|>>|| No. 31098
Arguments with partner again, it's always fucking bullshit. A few weeks ago I came back home after work on Friday to find 10 years of personal documents loosely arranged, covering the entire floor. Also all my books moved and reorganised. She'd taken it on herself to sort all my personal docs and books (I've got about 80% of the books in the house) and spent 4 hours doing so, and I flipped out because to me it felt like someone tearing up all my comforts and she doesn't know how I organise things, and didn't ask.
We resolved that, she was upset that I wanted to put everything back but agreed she should have asked, took full responsibility and all. This week I needed to look for some A level things for an AAT, and went through those docs for half an hour because I couldn't tell where it may be because everything had moved, turned out my mam had it. It reopened the wound when she started saying "Well you didn't have it any way so it's not my fault you spent time looking for it", and that she knew where hers was, and etc. Like she completely forgot she took responsibility for moving my personal items without my consent or acknowledgement, and spent hours categorising them after I've already repeatedly told her that I need to organise my things personally or I won't remember where they are.
Crux of it is that I can't mention something she has done without her feeling attacked, in any context, then she'll evade or make an excuse which makes me upset because she can't just take ownership. I don't repeatedly bring these things up, but if it's necessary like she's asking "Why are you upset about this" and I explain it reminds of a past incident where x happened, she takes that as an attack rather than an acknowledgement and I cannot find any way to mention it without that happening. A couple of years ago she promised me we'd live together 6 months before she moved on for a job opportunity, but ended up leaving in 3 - I had only moved in with her on the guarantee we had 6 months of sharing rent otherwise I had to live on my own somewhere cheaper. And then whenever I mention that, for example in couples therapy, she sticks on "Well I told you I was moving out anyway so it doesn't matter", well 1) it matters to me, and 2) you took full responsibility at the time for promising me something and then bailing, so why are you now evading it?
Like I can't just say "I'm feeling bad because you did this and it's the same principle as when you did this thing in the past and we talked about that so I don't understand why it's happening again, or at least can you take responsibility and apologise". I'm reflective to a fault and I can take responsibility in the moment (though I have the view it's always shared to an extent, but the upside of that is that I will acknowledge I've always been complicit in some way, because I have, because it takes 2) but she will without fail take an hour to a day to turn around and say "Actually yeah I'm sorry I was being out of order and was wrong about x", but she fucking doubles down in the moment and I can't handle it. My mum does the same thing, it's worrying to realise that. Other day I tried to tell my mum that my brother might speak to her more often if she let him come to her, but that's apparently me telling her she's a bad parent who can't communicate with her kids. m8
How the fuck are you going to resolve issues if you can't acknowledge them?!
Anyway just lost 2 hours of work on deadline day to arguing about this. She ALWAYS needs to make an excuse and I can't find a way to talk to her about my emotions without her feeling attacked. Just want to cut myself now tbh, not going to do it but fucking hell I just feel so angry and unable to deal with things.
Rant addendum: Saturday night she called me 4 times on her hour long journey home to update me, she'd been drinking all day so it was kind of cute, but then the moment she got back she said "I've been pissed off because you owe me £90" in front of a guest we have staying. No mention of this on her journey home, nothing at all to indicate anything. I actually sent her this money earlier the day before (bills) but hadn't notified her. But then she just comes back, storms in and starts telling me off, for something I've already fixed. It's bullshit. Because he's there I can't really say anything without making her look like a twat because she's immediately come in and made me look like a twat, and I'm not going to be a dick and put that back on her, I just have to look like a fucking twat because she's a messy drinker.