[ rss / options / help ]
post ]
[ b / iq / g / zoo ] [ e / news / lab ] [ v / nom / pol / eco / emo / 101 / shed ]
[ art / A / beat / boo / com / fat / job / lit / map / mph / poof / £$€¥ / spo / uhu / uni / x / y ] [ * | sfw | o ]

Return ] Entire Thread ] First 100 posts ] Last 50 posts ]

Posting mode: Reply [Last 50 posts]
Reply ]
Subject   (reply to 23560)
File  []
>> No. 23560 Anonymous
16th November 2016
Wednesday 6:49 pm
23560 Minor angst and existential dread, Mk. I
We tend to have a lot of repeated threads here, but I also get the feeling people don't tend to post in /emo/ unless it's a big issue.

With this in mind I suggest that we have a thread for stuff that's got you down a bit and you need to get off your chest, without it being major enough to make an entire thread devoted to it. We can also use it as a go-to for minor relationship advice, work problems, social drama, and things like that.

Everyone gets down from time to time, let's put some Sisters of Mercy on and wallow together for a while.
1875 posts omitted. Last 50 posts shown. Expand all images.
>> No. 30754 Anonymous
6th May 2021
Thursday 5:43 pm
30754 spacer
Perhaps, just perhaps, take short breaks often - you might relieve some of your own stress and be more relaxed, happier and productive in learning, while having the odd random moments for her.
>> No. 30755 Anonymous
6th May 2021
Thursday 5:53 pm
30755 spacer
Aye, I do take short breaks, but it'll be me just surfing the web for a few minutes now and then, get the distraction out, go back to work. I like working, I love spreadsheets and patterns, I just don't like deadlines as much, or talking. I mean she knew this when we got together.

If I'm taking breaks though, they're *breaks*, if I'm going from concentrating on work to concentrating on active listening and being supportive, it's just more pressure.

I'm generally a decent boyfriend, but in my more callous times I've kept track of how long she's been able to talk on the phone about her day before asking me a single question (45 mins record) and seen how long I can keep her talking without saying any actual words. But I get that I've got to be here for her, but during office hours? It seems a bit selfish, maybe I think that because I'm selfish.
>> No. 30756 Anonymous
6th May 2021
Thursday 6:14 pm
30756 spacer
Stop calling it "emotional labour", that just sounds callous already.
>> No. 30757 Anonymous
6th May 2021
Thursday 6:30 pm
30757 spacer
I thought that was the right term, what else do you call being there for someone?

I'm there after work, and if we planned it I could be there during the day, but for the spontaneous moments of every day stuff, is it being a bad person to ask her if she can have a sort of support network as such, and call the people she'd usually call if I was busy?
>> No. 30758 Anonymous
6th May 2021
Thursday 6:37 pm
30758 spacer
Not sure why the other lads are being so dismissive of this OP, it would drive me loopy.

I've said since the start, this work from home thing is a double edged sword because the routine time people spend apart at work is vital to the health of a relationship, very few can tolerate being stuck with each other 24/7 and these sorts of issues are part of why. Most never even considered that fact until lockdown, I know three couples just out of my small group of mates that have split up as a consequence of it.

Sadly, it's going to be difficult to get her to see it from your side, if she's the emotionally sensitive type as you suggest. You do need to be firm about the boundary, the difficult part is finding a way to be firm without just coming across as a brash arsehole about it.

Maybe suggest some sort of signal you can use that indicates she shouldn't disturb you because you're busy with something? Like, if you're wearing your headphones, that means you're concentrating and don't want to be disturbed. That way you avoid the moment of conflict where you have to say "fuck off I'm busy". I'm just speculating here but I bet it's that part that really causes the problem, it's that moment of rejection that hurts her feelings, rather than the more general concept of you being unavailable.


That's what the fisherpersons who always insist women have to do too much of it call it. I'm not a fan of the term when they use it (usually they're just hypocritically complaining that they have to do any of it at all) but it does rather succinctly get the point across that emotional support from a partner does not come for free, it requires effort on their part, and you can't expect someone to have the energy for it 100% of the time.
>> No. 30759 Anonymous
6th May 2021
Thursday 6:48 pm
30759 spacer
All she wanted you to do was go "Yeah, awww, that's awful....mm hmmm....yeah you should.....that's sad.......OK, yeah..............mmm, that's right........"
It's not hard.
>> No. 30760 Anonymous
6th May 2021
Thursday 6:55 pm
30760 spacer

>Yeah, awww, that's awful....mm hmmm

Sounds like you're pretty shit at listening to people m8, I'd refrain from giving relationship advice if I were you.
>> No. 30761 Anonymous
6th May 2021
Thursday 7:04 pm
30761 spacer
The thing is, there's a difference between "emotional labour" and just being someone someone else can talk at.
>> No. 30762 Anonymous
6th May 2021
Thursday 7:17 pm
30762 spacer

That may be so, but I'm giving the benefit of the doubt that that's what he actually means, not just that his missus likes to yap for no good reason. Even if she does, I reckon he's well within his rights not to have to put up with it during work hours.
>> No. 30763 Anonymous
6th May 2021
Thursday 7:26 pm
30763 spacer
Sounds like this is a managing expectations problem. Your girlfriend has to understand you are not their shrink and aren't available 100% of the time. And you need to accept you can't fix every single problem and when your girlfriend is upset like this it isn't directly under your control or fault. Life can't be perfect all the time. This problem in particular though if it hasn't fixed itself by tomorrow morning I will be amazed.
>> No. 30765 Anonymous
7th May 2021
Friday 8:53 pm
30765 spacer
I've never done anything computing-related academically, but I've tried to teach myself programming on multiple occasions, and I too am shit at it. But there's plenty of IT stuff out there that isn't programming. If you can learn networking or anything like that, you'll get a job that's just as good, plus you won't have to share it with 15-year-old LARPers on the Internet.
>> No. 30772 Anonymous
23rd May 2021
Sunday 2:11 pm
30772 spacer
A lass from Tinder ghosted me and it sent me into a bit of a dread spiral. I'm practically 30 and a lot of the building blocks of a respectable life just aren't there.

I don't expect a reason, all she had to do was say 'sorry, not feeling it :/', for fuck's sake. It's obviously not the first time this has happened, I don't know why this one messed with my head so much, I think it's because she seemed so positive about things after our first contact. I've ghosted people before, so I'm being a big fucking hypocrite really.

It really seems like being at all emotionally sensitive is a problem if you're doing online dating, I can see why lads get chronic masturbatory.
>> No. 30773 Anonymous
23rd May 2021
Sunday 2:17 pm
30773 spacer
A lot of lads turn vile and aggressive when they're rejected, so lasses avoid that risk by ghosting people.
>> No. 30774 Anonymous
23rd May 2021
Sunday 2:35 pm
30774 spacer
Ghosting someone is rejecting them. I find it hard to believe that a lad is going to blow up at a polite 'sorry, no', but not go into meltdown on being ghosted.
>> No. 30775 Anonymous
23rd May 2021
Sunday 3:04 pm
30775 spacer
Give speed-dating a whirl once it opens up again. People are slightly less liable to be complete cunts and you don't get as many flakes because of the fee and that doing it takes some bottle. Just be mindful you don't go to anything with a daft theme unless that's what you really want.

>It really seems like being at all emotionally sensitive is a problem if you're doing online dating, I can see why lads get chronic masturbatory.

I think that's the vicious circle it creates. Everyone ends up bitter from the experience and those that survive become hardened and treat it as an impersonal meat market - the person on the other end stops being real. Don't really know why you're even on tinder, it's not the place for relationships.
>> No. 30776 Anonymous
30th May 2021
Sunday 11:14 pm
30776 spacer
I simultaniously really miss my dad and can't pluck up the courage to go and visit him. He's not dying, he wasn't abusive, we don't hate each other, I just feel like a fuck up and like our relationship is kind of... I don't even know, I just wanted to share these thoughts and feelings that zip around in my head every couple of days.
>> No. 30778 Anonymous
30th May 2021
Sunday 11:55 pm
30778 spacer

Know how you feel mate, I hardly talk to my parents. My mum texts me and I take like a week to reply. My dad's basically a relic of the past so he doesn't use anything more technologically complex than the telly remote.

I don't hate them or anything, they're just kind of boring and all that happens when I visit is they tell us whatever new gossip has developed in't village, then when I leave I think about what else I might have spent my Saturday doing. I don't feel like a disappointment to them, I'm an only child and I've turned out alright compared to all my cousins (who range from serving time for drugs to council estate single mums), but I don't really have anything to talk to them about. I'm sure they like to know what I'm up to, but these days what I'm up to is going to be the same thing it has been for the last ten years, and isn't going to change any time soon.

Maybe it's just me being a bit of an autist, maybe we're just not a close family, I dunno. But I do feel weird about it looking at other people's family dynamics.

It's going to be really awkward when one of them cops it and I have to somehow arrange a funeral and everything without even knowing how to contact half my relatives, then on the day I'll have to talk to all these people I haven't seen in nearly thirty years. I worry about that quite a bit. Can you get away with just... Not?
>> No. 30779 Anonymous
31st May 2021
Monday 1:10 am
30779 spacer
That about sums up the relationship with my parents too - same with my siblings so you're not missing much as an only child.

Are you sure any guilt or longing on this isn't just related to societal expectations? Some dads especially don't want any of that nonsense other families have. It's a middle class thing I suppose, or at least appears something more common in the midlands.
>> No. 30780 Anonymous
31st May 2021
Monday 12:34 pm
30780 spacer

What do you consider the building blocks of a respectable life?

Tinder is a terrible place to meet decent women to be honest.
>> No. 30781 Anonymous
4th June 2021
Friday 12:38 pm
30781 spacer
>What do you consider the building blocks of a respectable life?
I don't know. Stability, a sense of purpose, community, a functioning group of friends.

>Tinder is a terrible place to meet decent women to be honest.
Yeah. I know the whole format is working against me, but I'm still a bit addicted to online dating.

I should just become religious so I can join a church.
>> No. 30782 Anonymous
6th June 2021
Sunday 4:11 pm
30782 spacer

I don't know if this is helpful but "I" have an invite to the alpha of something called Lua which is apparently a dating app for uhm, "conscious" people. Hippy-dippy folk who're into crystals, meditation, incense and class-A psychedelics. I'm guessing it's mostly people in London. Anyway if any of you lads who're into dating apps wants to try it, the invitation link's in the image. The app's home page is https://www.lua.earth/
>> No. 30783 Anonymous
6th June 2021
Sunday 5:02 pm
30783 spacer
Have you signed up? What's it like?
>> No. 30784 Anonymous
6th June 2021
Sunday 5:10 pm
30784 spacer
It assigns you an "avatar" which is just a RNG of some sort of animal paired with an adjective then it matches you with people of your preferred gender (or lack of one) and you answer assigned stupid questions together until you decide to "reveal" your profile photos or not.
>> No. 30785 Anonymous
6th June 2021
Sunday 9:28 pm
30785 spacer

I can't wait to impress crusties and then get rejected after I put all the work in because I look like I work in a bank.
>> No. 30786 Anonymous
6th June 2021
Sunday 10:29 pm
30786 spacer
I just know that if I made an account it would be us three having a cuntoff every time they made a new discussion topic.
>> No. 30787 Anonymous
6th June 2021
Sunday 10:44 pm
30787 spacer
"Your device isn't compatible with this version"

I wanted to get it on with hippy chicks who aren't down with consumerist society but it looks like I need to be a consumer with a fancy new phone to join. Sad!
>> No. 30788 Anonymous
7th June 2021
Monday 10:18 am
30788 spacer
It introduced itself as 'godess of the moon'. I'm not sure I want to continue.
>> No. 30789 Anonymous
7th June 2021
Monday 6:49 pm
30789 spacer

Ralph Pootawn.png
Other than watching porn, I don't know how to engage with sexuality which leaves me feeling confused and resentful. The times I've had sex have been disapointing in that it's not what I expected. Most notably sex is messy - i like to see creamy squirts as much as the next man, but in porn. The reality of sex is completely different to what you experience from watching porn - even the nice amatur stuff. Porn engages a solitary part of the brain than actual, social sex. I've started to wonder if it would help me to blindfold the partner - have even started thinking about latex hoods and shit - but it seems as though this would encourage a solitary selfish type of sex rather than what I actually want (No one in gangbang videos actually look happy to be there).

I don't know what to do. I want to enjoy sex, but I don't want to experience the shame and embarassment of a 30 year old might-as-well-be-virgin. I don't want to date - My identity is wrapped up in not looking that sharp, disinterested in this sort of narcissistic desire to be seen at a nice restaurant or whatever.

I considered cutting off a finger in persuit of some awful sexual intent recently - something about Osman Spare. It's not the first time I've though about it but this was significant in that i saw the possibility with a clarity that now scares me.

I'm starting to suspect that my problem involves setting myself apart from others. I'm not convinced I think I'm better - not obviously so anyway - but it must be the case that I think myself different. I just see everyone else and "think what the fuck are we, man?". I'm not generally a bitter person, i've learned some of the joys of meditation and alot of the time can sinserely laugh at us, myself included. I just need to center myself, i've been all over the place lately.

I didn't make the bench, though carpentry is still on my mind as a way out of this.
>> No. 30790 Anonymous
7th June 2021
Monday 7:30 pm
30790 spacer

Not going to pretend to be a psychologist, here, but the thought of self-harm warrants some immediate action. And I'm obviously just giving an opinion for whatever it's worth:

I think the main issue you've identified there is that you desire intimacy but feel unable to acquire or experience it. There's nothing worse than unsatisfying (which I associate with non-intimate, mutual masturbation) sex, because an extremely intimate act is then bound up with a feeling of alienation.

Dating also isn't necessarily about looking sharp or going to restaurants, unless you just look for women interested in looking sharp and going to restaurants. Most dates I've been on have been happy with a casual drink, a walk through a park (botanical gardens are a nice quiet choice), one particularly fun one with an animal lover was a zoo, and another to see some music (once acts get properly going again).

The problem with intimacy is that you do actually have to let yourself be vulnerable for it to be satisfying. I'm not saying you need to spill your guts immediately, but there is a process of give and take, getting to know eachother. The ramp up to having sex should really be based on that growing sense of intimacy and attraction -- and what's more it's okay not to feel it and keep searching. Going into it being open enough to actually like someone though (and allow them to like you) is probably more difficult than most people realise.
>> No. 30793 Anonymous
7th June 2021
Monday 9:32 pm
30793 spacer

Chihuahua orr muffin.jpg
>because an extremely intimate act is then bound up with a feeling of alienation
That's exactly it. Most of my masturbation sessions are performed through habit rather than necessity. I can't remember the last time i enjoyed an orgasm. When I was sexually active I'd find myself dreading the act because I could do it myself, without having to deal with people i don't actually like.

>you do actually have to let yourself be vulnerable
I believe this, but don't know it to be true. I feel as though the only value I could offer someone would be to protect their vulnerabilities while hiding my own. The problem is this causes me to become very cold and robotic.

Regarding immediate action and, i assume, doctors - when I found your reply a great grin shot upon my face. Someone had responded. I have attention.
I am legitimately concerned that with time these episodes may get worse. I believe I am seeing this - whereas before I would simply endure it, I'm now taking measures to express myself.
My confusion is in how genuine this is. I know I can meditate to settle my mind, but I'm not doing it. I'm choosing to perpetuate a confusion.

The finger thing is pathetic and if I was to be taken seriously any damage would have to be much worse - if only to prove it to myself. This line of thinking would surely end in death - if not it's purely a practice of self pity, right? I'd have to remain alive to experience the misery, to deny myself care and consideration. It's this that makes me doubt my the sincerity of my thoughts. It's all a contrived game for something - probably entertainment considering how bored I've been lately. I don't want to approach a doctor for this very reason; I want attention.

While I am certainly confused, the fact is that I'm provided a platform to speak here. My experience is not as bad as I'm making it out to be. I'm allowing myself to create a feedback loop for the sake of drama. It's all a performance, man.

This is what I mean. I just need to center myself, get back to my senses type of thing.
Thanks for taking the time to help me reach this understanding.
>> No. 30794 Anonymous
7th June 2021
Monday 9:40 pm
30794 spacer

I've no doubt that you'd benefit from a bit of psychotherapy, but I think there's a good chance you can sort yourself out if you just cut down a bit on the wanking and spend less time on your own. Obviously the latter is a bit complicated at the moment, but a lot of that sense of being different is just a symptom of social isolation.


>The ramp up to having sex should really be based on that growing sense of intimacy and attraction -- and what's more it's okay not to feel it and keep searching.

I don't necessarily disagree, but as I've reached middle age my relationships with women have become more matter-of-fact and less stressful. "Transactional" is probably too strong a word, but things are a lot easier when you're both sufficiently mature/confident/jaded to skip the pretences and put everything on the table. The mindset is very much "You've got stretch marks, my erections aren't as reliable as they used to be, you've got a bit of a gunt, I've got bad knees, neither of us really gives a shit and we're both quite horny so let's just crack on."

I think >>30789 will be fine once he can admit to a woman "I'm a bit confused about what I want sexually, I find intimacy a bit awkward and weird, but if that doesn't put you off I think we can figure it out". I'm not sure what will get him to that point, but I think the key is getting to a certain level of confident imperfection - we're all a bit mental, we've all got issues and hang-ups, but the only real impediment to intimacy is shame.
>> No. 30800 Anonymous
8th June 2021
Tuesday 9:23 am
30800 spacer
>"Transactional" is probably too strong a word, but things are a lot easier when you're both sufficiently mature/confident/jaded to skip the pretences and put everything on the table.

I think this might be because you're comfortable enough with your sexuality to have more "straightforward" sexual relationships if and when you need to. It's harder to get into that kind of comfortable state if you find intimacy difficult.

>I don't want to approach a doctor for this very reason; I want attention.

Do you think your need for attention might actually be a need to connect with other people? Or at least, to connect in a way that matters and is satisfying to you?

That might be a better way to frame things, because it's far better to connect with others by putting yourself out there during a date occasionally than to harm yourself.

Don't feel bad about posting on /emo/, either, I've vented here on the past and often just the act of typing up a post and getting some responses from other human beings is enough to get a ball rolling in my head. Very often the ball has led to some resolution.
>> No. 30804 Anonymous
8th June 2021
Tuesday 10:58 am
30804 spacer

>I think this might be because you're comfortable enough with your sexuality to have more "straightforward" sexual relationships if and when you need to. It's harder to get into that kind of comfortable state if you find intimacy difficult.

Partly that, but I just give less of a shit than I used to. It's easier said than done of course, but everything gets so much easier if you try to avoid beating yourself up.

When we say the word "confident" we often think in purely positive terms, but my confidence comes entirely from an acceptance of my own shortcomings and insecurities. When you feel lonely and unloveable there's a natural instinct to try and fake it, to try and prove to other people that you're worthwhile, but that's often very counter-productive. When you try to hide your own insecurities, you just bring other people's insecurities into sharp focus.

Most people think that online dating is awkward and weird, so you can often start a meaningful connection by just acknowledging that fact. When you're on a first date and you say "I don't know about you, but I'm nervous as hell", you can often see the relief on the other person's face, a little sigh of tension being released when they find out that they're not alone.

I'm still struggling to articulate my point clearly, but I think the crux of it is that shame lives in darkness and dies in sunlight. Overcoming shame is the work of a lifetime, but it starts with self-kindness rather than self-loathing or self-pity.

It ties in with what you say about allowing yourself to be vulnerable, but I'm not sure I like the connotations of that word. It implies that openness means you're more likely to get hurt, but in my experience it's just the opposite. Admitting to something you're ashamed about is always scary, but you only have to feel that fear once; hiding your shame means living with the constant fear of being found out.

I dunno if any of that makes sense, but it's the best I can do.
>> No. 30809 Anonymous
10th June 2021
Thursday 9:51 am
30809 spacer
Got 3rd month probation review today, told my partner, asked if it'd be alright to set alarm for half 8 instead of 8, she said she had to move the car before free parking finished, so fair.

Then she got up, did yoga for half an hour, put the laundry on, did some bits and pieces in the house, then when my second alarm for 9am went off, she walked back in and said bye.

Would you be fucked off at this? She's complaining that I'm too stressed about work in general, and I'm telling her it's because I'm on a fine line at the moment and need some momentum to improve things, and just being in a good headspace for this review was really important. I've got 3 meetings after that taking me through 4pm. She knows all of this. And now I'm going to be more stressed today, causing more stress for her, and I don't want to be.

I told her everything I needed and why, and she's just pulling out loads of excuses which makes it even worse because it was just a one off and I did everything I practically could to find out what timing she needed to get the car done in the morning so I could have max sleep and be okay for my review.

Moan for moan, review is in 45 mins, I just need to get this out of my head.
>> No. 30810 Anonymous
10th June 2021
Thursday 10:05 am
30810 spacer
So what exactly are you mad about? Your girlfriend saying bye to you at 9 when she left as you wanted to snooze a little longer?
>> No. 30811 Anonymous
10th June 2021
Thursday 10:10 am
30811 spacer
He wanted to sleep in, she stopped him on the grounds the car needed moving, then it turned out the car didn't need moving that early.
>> No. 30812 Anonymous
10th June 2021
Thursday 10:10 am
30812 spacer
My stress over my job has been a strain on our relationship as I'm underqualified and need 6 months of basically overperforming to get sorted. I'm mad because I can't trust her when I need her. I've got sleep anxiety and some bladder problems and mild insomnia so sleep is a cunt for me.

Just had a panic attack, haven't had one in a decade. I know I'm reacting strongly to this but it's important, and I've repeatedly told her it's important, and only when she saw me breaking down did she say "Okay I didn't understand it was this important". What the hell else could I have done?
>> No. 30813 Anonymous
10th June 2021
Thursday 10:14 am
30813 spacer
>I'm underqualified and need 6 months of basically overperforming to get sorted.

No you don't, lad. Employers love putting people under pressure like this to try and extract the maximum possible out of them. They wouldn't have taken you on in the first place if they didn't think you were cut out for it.
>> No. 30814 Anonymous
10th June 2021
Thursday 10:24 am
30814 spacer
I'm somewhat aware of that, it was 12 months experience doing junior bookkeeping for a senior role in accounts with 3 years min experience desired, so moving on to closing balance journals and year end accounts and a whole slew of process I've never encountered before, but they are helping me. I don't feel like an imposter, I feel challenged in a good way. I'm getting there and I know I'm capable of it, but it is hard and it requires me to be on decent form somewhat consistently.

The major issue is that she's not telling me what you're telling me, which is what would probably help. She tells me that she'll be there for me and support me when I need it because she constantly expresses gratitude for the things I do, and I like doing them for her, but when I need her to do something for me and I try and be clear, it's like she just doesn't take it seriously unless I'm visibly a mess.
>> No. 30815 Anonymous
10th June 2021
Thursday 12:00 pm
30815 spacer
To be a little bit blunt, women generally aren't brilliant when it comes to showing empathy to men. They can be alright when it comes to helping you with largely inconsequential emotional needs but they shit the bed when it comes to when you're struggling and need proper support as you're supposed to be the rock by default of being a man. When a woman says she wants a man in touch with his feelings and emotional side she absolutely does not mean it; she likes the idea of it but experiencing the reality of it is a completely different matter.
>> No. 30816 Anonymous
10th June 2021
Thursday 12:56 pm
30816 spacer

This is the sad truth, and even if it can be a bit of a sexist stereotype, it's one of the ones with basis in reality. Girls in general are used to having their own needs catered to above everyone else's. Thus without even realising, they can be, for lack of better words, sort of oblivious to the needs of others when it matters.

With my last ex there was this weird phase when she'd first moved in, where she'd get up at 4:30 in the morning for work, but thought it was fine to whack the big light on and start blasting the hair dryer, while I was still asleep and wasn't dude to get up for another three fucking hours. I had to sit her down and explain why that was inconsiderate, and I could tell by her response that it had genuinely never even occurred to her.

I don't think there is really a solution to it, because people are pretty much set in their ways by the time you reach a certain age. As a man you just have to sort of acknowledge it, know they're not doing it just to be cunts, and you need some decent lad m8s you can talk to about work pressure or what have you. They will usually have better advice to offer and a more sympathetic ear anyhow.


Is there a repeated pattern of her ignoring things you have explicitly asked her for, or is it a genuine one off where she'd forgotten you'd asked or whatever?
>> No. 30817 Anonymous
10th June 2021
Thursday 1:53 pm
30817 spacer

To perpetuate a gender stereotype: when a woman complains, she wants sympathy; when a man complains, he wants help.
>> No. 30818 Anonymous
10th June 2021
Thursday 2:50 pm
30818 spacer
tldr we probably need relationship counselling since we can't seem to solve these issues by communicating, thanks for talking me through the stress lads.

She's generally great, like she's one of those people that's a ray of sunshine. Apart from when it comes to arguments. I make it a point to back down even when I think I'm partially in the right, and not justify it, because sometimes the person in stress just needs to hear you say "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that, I'll make an effort in the future" and not "But I x y z". Then they can get out of the stressful state, go past the emotional stage, and discuss things with a clear head later when you say "I don't think I would have reacted like this if you hadn't done x".

She's said sometimes she doesn't even remember the words I've said, just the tone I've said them in, which has caused

I try and teach her how to do things the same way, and she says she admires that I can do that, but she's really insecure about some things, and had very critical parents, so she gets very defensive and denies things in the moment which, in ten minutes time, she'll acknowledge and accept. It's not gaslighting because it's not intentional, she's told me her head just goes blurry.

I get that, I can see on the inverse side that for example, I won't help if help isn't implicit in the request - so for example her making a comment "There's a lot of something to do" will get a nod in agreement, but if she just literally said "Can you help me sort through this" then I'll get up and do it. I think this is perhaps a male thing.

I'm definitely at fault for trying to cater my own needs over hers sometimes, because I see it as "If I can get this sorted and stable, I can then be in a clear enough position to deal with your problems without getting stressed myself, and thereby be more effective", and I know it sounds biased but I'm certain I'm right, because I don't feel a need to talk about my problems, I either deal with them or file them away until they can be dealt with. Talking about them reminds me that they're problems, so I don't need that kind of support from her, but it seems to be the main type she wants to provide. The other day I swore at the laptop as she walked in the room and she commented "Aw are you having troubles". What the hell do you do with that?

There's no repeated pattern as such, but it's common, because she's ditzy and insecure about being ditzy which leads to denial, and had undiagnosed ADHD until a couple of months ago, and I'm assuming we mostly know that can play hell on your confidence growing up. She's not stupid, she's got an MA in neuroscience but she takes way too much on, but I have to deal with that extra stress.

Probation went as well as it could ("You're not failing, but we really need to see some growth and improvement in your communication and prioritisation" which I can appreciate), just had 3 hours on the phone to clients and now I'm having lunch. Feeling better but I feel like such a cunt for having a panic attack and shouting at her.
>> No. 30819 Anonymous
10th June 2021
Thursday 4:19 pm
30819 spacer

People are very different when it comes to conflict resolution, and it's a two way street. Be mindful that what you see as de-escalation and avoidance of antagonism, can feel to the other person like dismissal or worse, being belittled.

Personally I very much prefer to have a heated row that lasts five minutes and then apologise and make the rational conclusions once that initial spark of emotion has passed, like lancing an abscess and letting the pus out. It's unpleasant but short lived, and everyone knows where they stand with a good old fashioned "FUCK YOU I TOOK THE BINS OUT LAST WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU TAKE ME FOR YOU LAZY CUNT". Not everyone is as rational or detached about their feelings and needs as you seem to be, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. It's just how different people's brains process things, like being a visual learner vs a practical learner or what have you.

My personal perennial problem with women is that they're always trying to read between the lines to establish what I mean when I say something, when what I meant was exactly what I said, in the most blunt and literal sense. "I need some more time and space to myself" does not mean "I feel pressured by your need for emotional validation and expectation of fulfilment", it's just a more concise and polite way of saying "can you fuck off and leave me alone more often so I can play videogames in peace". For this reason I have learned communication of intent is vital as well as the direct request itself.

Communication is a minefield frankly. The biggest challenge of any relationship is building a mutual understanding of the ways one another communicates, the catch is both of you have to try to adapt for the other. It can't be one way.
>> No. 30820 Anonymous
11th June 2021
Friday 8:19 pm
30820 spacer
I'm pathologically attracted to massive arses. I can only get hard to massive arses. I don't have sex with my girlfriend because she has no arse. I want to fuck massive arsed women, but I am trapped in an arseless relationship.
>> No. 30821 Anonymous
11th June 2021
Friday 8:21 pm
30821 spacer
Have you mentioned this to her?
>> No. 30822 Anonymous
11th June 2021
Friday 8:45 pm
30822 spacer

I actually left one of my girlfriends partially because she'd been on a diet and lost her arse. She was obviously chuffed with herself for losing so much weight and she didn't take it very well that I wanted her to put at least a little bit back on so I didn't feel like I was shagging a ten year old boy.

You've seen that episode of Malcolm in the Middle right?
>> No. 30823 Anonymous
11th June 2021
Friday 8:49 pm
30823 spacer

Heisenberg is way ahead of you.

>> No. 30824 Anonymous
12th June 2021
Saturday 3:33 pm
30824 spacer

Revenge lad here. I've never been prouder of PsyOps on this website than I am right now.
>> No. 30825 Anonymous
12th June 2021
Saturday 4:48 pm
30825 spacer
Dammit, I'm mildly depressed and suffering a complete lack of motivation.
I look out of the window to see fantastic summer weather and think of half a dozen things to do but cant find any energy to get off the sofa

Return ] Entire Thread ] First 100 posts ] Last 50 posts ]

Delete Post []