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|>>|| No. 23560
We tend to have a lot of repeated threads here, but I also get the feeling people don't tend to post in /emo/ unless it's a big issue.
With this in mind I suggest that we have a thread for stuff that's got you down a bit and you need to get off your chest, without it being major enough to make an entire thread devoted to it. We can also use it as a go-to for minor relationship advice, work problems, social drama, and things like that.
Everyone gets down from time to time, let's put some Sisters of Mercy on and wallow together for a while.
|>>|| No. 29259
I feel like I have too many hobbies/interests, and I'm constantly torn between them. I can never settle on something productive to do with my time, because it feels like a waste of time I could spend on something else; and in the end I just end up wasting the night on videogames instead.
I miss being unemployed. I was dirt poor but it was no problem if I wanted to spend a week learning how to softmod a PS2, or how to create specific synth sounds in a new DAW, or teaching myself how to draw. None of it was time wasted because let's face it, I wasn't doing much else. I could even afford to be far more social.
The trouble is I've always been very obsessive compulsive. When I get interested in something, that's the only thing I want to do until the interest wears off. I've recorded entire EPs in a week before because it was all I wanted to do. But I don't have the freedom to indulge the way my brain naturally wants to do things. I have to be an adult and put things down to go to work or do the shopping; the trouble is I never pick them back up after that.
I really don't think there's much to be done about it other than just accept adult life is unending misery, or go back on the dole. Why couldn't I have been born into a wealthy family and never need to work, instead of the boring pricks who are.
|>>|| No. 29260
I never made pizza with or watched films with you or the lad I was formally Steam friends with.
(A good day to you Sir!)
|>>|| No. 29328
How are you all doing? I don't know if this is worth it or not, nobody's posted in this thread for a while, but I'm aware there's now a britfa.gs Discord server. Would anyone in /emo/ be interested in starting a separate server for support with all our problems? Suicide is still the biggest killer of men in the UK, under age 45. The majority of overall suicides are men as well. Not to say it would be a male only server, everybody needs support. These are dark months and times are hard. I'll admit this is me reaching out some too while I try to find some form of therapy, but I wouldn't wish what I'm going through on any one and it breaks my heart that there's millions out there feeling the same way and remaining isolated. If something like this already exists though please let us know. Figured it's worth a shot at least, if anyone feels the same way.
|>>|| No. 29331
Everyone around me in 3/4 of my social groups is talking openly and frequently about sex and relationships, my housemate brought his lass to stay, the requisite asking from aunts and uncles at a recent family gathering about why I hadn't got a girlfriend yet - it's all REALLY grinding me down. I feel like utter fucking shit and it's everywhere I turn. Fine, I think, I'll get on Tinder. It shows me all people so unimaginably far out of my league, it's like it's taunting me.
I can't blame the people around me, and just because of how I feel about it shouldn't stop them talking about it, but it's so, so exhausting being reminded of it. Are there places that still do lobotomies?
|>>|| No. 29333
Don't join slimming world, don't do anything. It sounds like the only reason you want a relationship is out of some sort of social pressure, and that seems like a terrible justifications. I think learning to not care about what those people think would be a better solution.
It sounds like all you want is a partner any partner like you don't even care what they are like and that to me rings an alarm bell.
|>>|| No. 29335
My aunts used to ask me if I had a girlfriend. Then they started asking if I had a girlfriend or a boyfriend. Now they have just given up.
|>>|| No. 29336
They have been through the "...or boyfriend" stage, but seem to be looping back.
|>>|| No. 29337
I appreciate this but I'm honestly apprehensive of it, I'm not sure I'm in any state to be an admin for it, every other day I'm thinking about topping myself. I just wanted to gauge interest first but there hasn't really been any so far.
|>>|| No. 29341
I turned 32 on Saturday. Being brown means I get this sort of nonsense 24/7 now since everyone apparently gets married when they are 17.
I bet they are regretting they didn't force me into an arranged marriage when I was younger, hahaha.
|>>|| No. 29342
My romantic relationships no longer seem to last now that I'm in my 30s and I'm left pondering this because another relationship just ended. I see nothing massively wrong, so this might be an "am I normal" check, the spark simply goes and I suspect part of underlying the reason being that I never really 'feel' anything for the women I date so I never try. I can't imagine a future with them and, I know I'm probably going wrong here, they don't seem to compare to the loves I had when I was younger. There's no passion, no sense that I want to spend every waking moment with this person.
I've drafted a few ideas of what could be going on so let me know what you think:
1. I'm wrong to compare my loves of today to the past, what I'm not seeing is a mature kind of love and I'm letting relationships unnecessarily crash down.
2. Everyone else is the problem: I'm not meeting the right women. Perhaps I just need to know what I actually want in a partner and to stop rushing into relationships with people I don't feel anything for.
3. 5 years ago a woman I loved for 5 years (ha) left me for another man and I never really got over that despite having moved on with my life in seemingly every way. I still think of her now and again and it's a deep scar. Perhaps I need to consider whether I'm holding up that relationship's good times as a template that can't be filled because those times are over and maybe never existed. I have no idea if there's something I'm supposed to fix her or how.
Maybe I just need to try being single for a good while and give it all a good reset. Still, I also feel more and more like I'm on a clock now if I ever want to have a family. Feel free to call me a silly sausage.
|>>|| No. 29343
I think one of the biggest challenges of legitimate adulthood (not just the pretend nonsense about starting to wear a shirt, cutting your hair and working the 9-5) is coming to terms with the fact none of your relations will ever really seem as passionate or exciting as that one. And broadly speaking, we've all had that one, by the time we're hitting our 30s you know?
It's possible you are rushing into things, but I'd say it's also likely you need to somewhat temper your expectations, and try appreciate different things. You're never going to have the same thrill of excitement at discovering a new fanny and trying out all the positions with her, or those long daft romantic nights talking about daft shite. You'll want to come home from work and cuddle in front of some bollocks on the screen. It's a different pace, I think.
|>>|| No. 29344
Thanks, that makes for a depressing thought but I can see your point and it's nice to know I'm not alone. Maybe I can ease the transition by finding someone I can do hobbies with such as a cooking class because the watching television together does feel stale at times.
|>>|| No. 29351
Passion seems to have shrunk or disappeared from basically everything in life in my 30s. Part of that is no doubt the heavy pain medication I'm on, but I see it in friends and family too, there's just not the same enthusiasm. I think it's an inevitable fact of life.
To your questions, which are subtle and hard to gauge based on two short posts, so take this with a pinch of salt: not dating women that you don't feel anything for really does sound like step 1. If you don't feel any spark for a person then don't get involved; these posts are evidence that it doesn't make you happy, and in any case it's not fair on them. With that said, relationships are always a compromise. You probably won't find someone who fills your imagination like you did as a teenager, because you're not a teenager, and speaking for myself, on balance I'm pretty happy that I'm not ever going to be a teenager again. All those old flames had higher highs, sure, but you're forgetting the lower lows.
|>>|| No. 29352
Which pain med are you on? I remember that when I was on oramorph I was essentially a living dead, never recovered fully from that
|>>|| No. 29355
You are a good person, which is why you have been trying to repair this relationship. But it is clear to me, that you and your behaviour are not the problem here.
Your father is vindictive and bitter. You need to take a step outside of your situation and be the observer to understand this. But none of what he is saying really has anything to do with what you have done, he is simply cruel for his own selfish reasons. He will NEVER give you the validation you want from him, you will only hurt yourself more by expecting it, and doing things to please him.
I get the idea that you don't want to lose this relationship, and that it is easier said than done. But if you don't put a distance between you two and maintain it he will try to destroy you.
There are various online support groups for children of narcistic parents, I suggest you give them a read
This is a group of people who share their horror stories you will find things you recognize.
this is a study of the abusers perspective
|>>|| No. 29357
The post I was linking to has obviously been deleted. All I can say is, you did nothing wrong by sharing this. it is normal and healthy to feel and to vent and to be vulnerable. It was a good thing you shared you have nothing to feel embarrassed or ashamed of.
|>>|| No. 29359
There was going to be more to this, but I haven’t got access to a proper computer right now and the iPhone 5 isn’t the kind of machine I feel like putting down paragraphs with. In short I’m just sick of what loneliness is doing, and has done, to me. I’m not exactly different to whom I used to be, simply lesser than. I can’t think of an SSRI or talking therapy in the whole world that could come close to going to a cafe or seeing a film with a couple of mates. I just can’t seem to get a handle on things like others can.
|>>|| No. 29360
Find something to get involved with. As others have pointed out in other threads, pursuing a relationship for its own sake is a recipe for shite, but you can find something to get involved with that connects you with other people not in that way.
|>>|| No. 29361
This link expired and I can't see it pinned anywhere, did no one use it and it's already died?
|>>|| No. 29364
The only people I talk to are my parents and my partner. I had friends in the past but I always alienate them in the end. I try meet new people, I go to social events for my hobbies but end up sitting in silence for 10 minutes then leaving before I can even speak to anyone. Combination of autism and social anxiety makes meeting people a total nightmare. I'm so lonely.
|>>|| No. 29365
Do you not talk to your partner at all? I spend most of my time alone for similar reasons, only really talking to family every other week or so.
|>>|| No. 29366
There's a flaw in my character that I tend to freeze up or panic when faced with some sudden emergency or exam/interview situations. Even interpersonal conflict is difficult for me where I tend to just break into jokes. For years a line in Camus' The Plague has comforted me, that there comes in time in every day where a man is a coward but it seems like this is just the norm for me.
I'm 31 years old and where life experience has built a shell confidence I still feel that at my core I'm a coward. I've fired guns, I've jumped out of planes, I've picked myself up after many failures and gone right back into whatever knocked me down, essentially I've lived an exciting life where many people would never have had the courage to do it. Yet still I don't feel like a man. Not one you could rely on in a crisis.
I can relate to this entirely. The solutions make me recoil in horror but adult loneliness is a real problem.
Have you thought about attending smaller events? My social anxiety is much easier in small groups of two or three in comparison to large groups where I don't do well at all.
|>>|| No. 29367
I go to gigs and things and get really drunk and talk to people, and then the next week in horrible self-loading anguish and embarrassment wishing I'd stayed at home instead of being that guy.
I think some of us are just more suited to keeping ourselves to ourselves.
|>>|| No. 29368
I clung on to a lot of friendships that were crap. Last year I cut them off because they were mostly losers.
I felt lonely before I did this and I feel equally lonely now, except now I've more of a clean slate. You could call it a confirmed loneliness, because I don't live in hope that people will drastically change.
I've spent about 2 months arranging some therapy through the NHS and I'm on the cusp of receiving it. What I do know is that I don't have much anxiety: my job involves talking to people I've never met and it is just second nature to me to be sociable. People even find the suggestion that I'm lonely or find it hard to make friends ridiculous.
I grew up quite starved of nicety; it's new to me that friends and family might be supportive or even pleasant. I grew up understanding that everyone plays tricks on you, will only come to you when they need something, and won't help you if you need. Naturally, I carried that through my 20s and so I'd neglect fruitful relationships, but continue bad ones.
It's a bit of a double bind. I'm a nice enough chap, but I have so much trouble I come across as aloof or independent. I've chucked myself through classes and social events but I find I'm expecting too much from them. Anyway, in those cases people talk about their sociable friends and family and I don't have much to offer: you spent the weekend away with friends and I went to Sainsbury's and cried.
So this year I've resolved to make smaller decisions that get me around people more. I'll try going to the pub with work people more often and I'll try reaching out to some more decent people.
|>>|| No. 29369
I'm of the opinion that if you want deeper more thoughtful relationships, it is up to you to define them through example. The more caring and considerate you are the more people are going to react the same way back.
It isn't magic some people won't react to that or will react negatively but you stand a chance of identifying and encouraging being treated the way you want to be treated.
I've started asking people's opinions on small life decisions and taking their advice, I think people valued that you asked their council, and it breaks the social barriers by making people feel they matter to you and consequently they start feeling you matter to them.
|>>|| No. 29376
I wrote a post about talking about emotions but I realised it came across like an edgy Men's Rights Activist having a pop at women when that wasn't my intention so I deleted it.
|>>|| No. 29416
I think i think I'm better than other people. As a defense mechanism, i suppose; i've restricted the living of my life, refused meaningful social contact and don't persue many meaningful activities or hobbies. I'm essentially waiting to die.
A friend said to me once that 'you've felt pain for so long that's all you want to feel', or something to that tune. She didn't know me very well, but it was a first impression and people say to pay attention to those. I haven't felt pain for that long, it's just dramatic.
I had a dream last night that someone/thing recognised i was special but my responce was to run for the hills when they mentioned it - i even shouted "no no no no no!" during my escape. I was a very emotional and fearful, panic stricken response. In the past i've sneared at the mention that 'i seem intelligent'. I feel bitter just typing it.
I don't want to be like this but i don't know how to find my way back, without the shame and embarassment or vulnerability. It just hurts so much that i might end up wanting to kill myself, the only way i've found to manage this so far is to push it down until i feel nothing, then laugh at other people because they can't do it as well as me. Only i've watched a whole DVD series of a tv program and at the end of each episode i'd force a laugh that only barely stayed from the edge of despair.
I want to do talking therapy or some kind of counciling or perhaps psychoanalysis. It's funny because i've heard the saying 'people who want to talk to a psychiatrist need their heads examined' .. but what if i do want and need that? I just want to understand myself so i can make better dicisions and kind of game my system - although this seems almost like a recipe for insanity.
I like to think that when i die i'll get the chance to talk to god - the greatest therapy session I could hope for. He'd simply let me know myself, honestly. Even if i was sent to hell i hope i could still say thank you. But it's now when things matter, not in the post life appraisal.
5/6 paragraphs begin with an 'I'. Today is just a pitty episode.
|>>|| No. 29417
I'm not sure if you're aware, but you are literally asking for Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, CBT. It is all about examining your thoughts and almost gaming them into being more positive. I'd encourage you to read a little online about it first.
You want face to face sessions. You probably won't get this on the NHS, but try first - if you tell your GP "I'm waiting to die" you may get a rapid referral. I didn't. They shuffled me into a room full of other really anxious, depressed folks and put up slides about depression. This was not helpful. After this I was told I'd get a one-on-one referral, but it turned out to be on the phone. The lady who called me, bless her, was Spanish and could barely hold a sentence together. She frequently misunderstood the basics of what I was saying, it was hopeless. Avoid all this shit if you can - push as hard as you can for a personal CBT therapist.
Or just go private, if you've got the cash. You'll get far better service.
|>>|| No. 29423
I've realised that over the years putting on a pair of headphones and listening to whatever has gone from, well, just that; putting on headphones and listening to whatever, to a strange ritual I use as an excuse to meander and avoid certain situations. It's evolved from listening to Shaun Keveney of a morning while I'm getting the bus to something far more unhealthy. Whether it's spending far too long deciding which podcast to listen to or thinking "well, I can't go into that shop, I still have ten minutes of Pienaar's Politics to get through". It's also gone someway to muffling my internal monologue and could well be why I've convinced myself I've gotten dumber in recent years. Considering all this has also made me aware of other unhelpful habits I've developed, but the headphones thing is the most revealing and troublesome to my mind.
|>>|| No. 29425
>I'd encourage you to read a little online about CBT first.
It seems that i do most of the stuff listed on the NHS webpage for CBT. Exposure therapy might be worth a go - i've noticed similar effects after my own efforts - with structured follow up sessions it might prove more effective.
I've started meditating which seems to be helping.
As another recent post alluded to, i think i was just seeking attention. Thanks for your responce, and sorry to have been dramatic. I'll keep it off of britfa.gs next time.
|>>|| No. 29427
A person from my social clique at university died today I hadn't spoken to them in close to a decade, but if I happened to bump into them somewhere we'd probably chat quite happily for a long while, like no time had passed at all.
I think the suddenness and without any kind of narrative sense (died of head trauma alone in his house this morning) has really weirded everyone I spoke to about it out.
There is an online group that I am grieving with that are friends that I made a proactive effort to try re-established regular contact with recently, and he could easily have been part of that group had circumstances lead to us having the chance encounter for me to invite him.
|>>|| No. 29428
I've had two deaths and an attempted suicide so far this month. We're just over half way in. Fuck February.
|>>|| No. 29429
That sounds awful. Way more than I'm dealing with, hope you are handling yourself well.
I think for me I've never faced death in this way before, I accepted the death of those of an older generation, as just a fact of life, it is like part of a story we all experiance, but this is someone a few years younger than me just blipped out probably without proper awareness of their situation, none of that overshadowing pending, or confrontation of death and coming to peace or struggling against it, just gone and it really highlights the futility and lack of meaning of it all for me. If there is a best way to move passed the pensiveness I'd love to know.
|>>|| No. 29442
I feel as though, if I keep working at it nice and slowly, I'm going to come back online.
|>>|| No. 29443
That's the spirit mate. Keep chipping away, Rome wasn't built in a day and all that. The longer you keep it up the easier it gets to keep it going.
|>>|| No. 29444
If you don't want to discuss, that's fine, but I can't help but be curious about the "head trauma in his house alone". Did he fall down in the stairs, or in the shower? Something else?
|>>|| No. 29445
No idea I'm afraid. Police found the body and that is all they said, and that it wasn't suspicious.
I suspect his parents got given a fuller picture (they were the ones who called the police also because he wasn't answering the door) but I've never spoken to them.
A friend talked to the local police about it to get confirmation I don't think they volunteered any additional information.
|>>|| No. 29446
"What helps your mood and anxiety to get better?"
If I knew that I wouldn't be doing CBT, would I?!
Nah, it's over.
|>>|| No. 29447
You'd be surprised how many people with mental health issues are the equivalent of:
"My face hurts"
"Why does your face hurt?"
"I don't know, hmmm Ikeep slapping myself in the face"
"You should stop doing that?"
"Why would that help?"
"Just try it"
"I did it for 5mins my face still stings"
"Try it for at least a week"
I'm not saying that's your issue, but I think we all know someone who does these things to themselves and we see the 'easy fix'. And therapists probably look for the easy win of those cases first, some probably forget that there are those that isn't a solution for.
|>>|| No. 29448
Through my CBT I was told that emotions are the last thing to change, so I could start exercising today but probably wouldn't really notice much change until after a year or so. I think they often look for something easy and obvious that you can 'do'.
Politely but- they can't tell you what makes you feel better. I felt the same as you before and I'd loathe these questions. The chances are that there are at least some things you can do to relieve your mood at least a little. If you're in CBT then then it's likely that you need to learn about how you react to stuff and what you can do to make yourself feel better.
The fact that you are annoyed by the question is why you need to really think about the question.
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