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tldr we probably need relationship counselling since we can't seem to solve these issues by communicating, thanks for talking me through the stress lads.
She's generally great, like she's one of those people that's a ray of sunshine. Apart from when it comes to arguments. I make it a point to back down even when I think I'm partially in the right, and not justify it, because sometimes the person in stress just needs to hear you say "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that, I'll make an effort in the future" and not "But I x y z". Then they can get out of the stressful state, go past the emotional stage, and discuss things with a clear head later when you say "I don't think I would have reacted like this if you hadn't done x".
She's said sometimes she doesn't even remember the words I've said, just the tone I've said them in, which has caused
I try and teach her how to do things the same way, and she says she admires that I can do that, but she's really insecure about some things, and had very critical parents, so she gets very defensive and denies things in the moment which, in ten minutes time, she'll acknowledge and accept. It's not gaslighting because it's not intentional, she's told me her head just goes blurry.
I get that, I can see on the inverse side that for example, I won't help if help isn't implicit in the request - so for example her making a comment "There's a lot of something to do" will get a nod in agreement, but if she just literally said "Can you help me sort through this" then I'll get up and do it. I think this is perhaps a male thing.
I'm definitely at fault for trying to cater my own needs over hers sometimes, because I see it as "If I can get this sorted and stable, I can then be in a clear enough position to deal with your problems without getting stressed myself, and thereby be more effective", and I know it sounds biased but I'm certain I'm right, because I don't feel a need to talk about my problems, I either deal with them or file them away until they can be dealt with. Talking about them reminds me that they're problems, so I don't need that kind of support from her, but it seems to be the main type she wants to provide. The other day I swore at the laptop as she walked in the room and she commented "Aw are you having troubles". What the hell do you do with that?
There's no repeated pattern as such, but it's common, because she's ditzy and insecure about being ditzy which leads to denial, and had undiagnosed ADHD until a couple of months ago, and I'm assuming we mostly know that can play hell on your confidence growing up. She's not stupid, she's got an MA in neuroscience but she takes way too much on, but I have to deal with that extra stress.
Probation went as well as it could ("You're not failing, but we really need to see some growth and improvement in your communication and prioritisation" which I can appreciate), just had 3 hours on the phone to clients and now I'm having lunch. Feeling better but I feel like such a cunt for having a panic attack and shouting at her.