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>> No. 23560 Anonymous
16th November 2016
Wednesday 6:49 pm
23560 Minor angst and existential dread, Mk. I
We tend to have a lot of repeated threads here, but I also get the feeling people don't tend to post in /emo/ unless it's a big issue.

With this in mind I suggest that we have a thread for stuff that's got you down a bit and you need to get off your chest, without it being major enough to make an entire thread devoted to it. We can also use it as a go-to for minor relationship advice, work problems, social drama, and things like that.

Everyone gets down from time to time, let's put some Sisters of Mercy on and wallow together for a while.
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>> No. 28453 Anonymous
29th April 2019
Monday 12:22 pm
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I think one of the things a lot of depressed and nutty people need is practical help, which is probably why I'm so shirty about "talking therapies" at this point. Apparently exposure to natural light is helpful too though so I'm going to venture into the big outside and see if I can afford a stamp and some chocolate.

Fuck me, living is just awful.
>> No. 28454 Anonymous
29th April 2019
Monday 12:55 pm
28454 It's like courting depression
Kitten on mushrooms.jpg
Wisdom of the fool, though sometimes I wonder if the same attitude is arrogant of me.

>exposure to natural light is helpful
Sunlight no doubt offers vitimins and the like, but I think it's more about behavioural enrichment. 'Grounding' is a relief from unnecessarily self imposed inhibitions more so than magnatic energies charging you up, i reckon.
Once you realise 'ho shit, I can walk barefoot on the grass and it's lovely', you start to wonder what else you're doing that causes secret suffering. Like convincing yourself you can't go out because you're fat and you've gotta cover up in uncomfortably hot clothing - fuck that, you're fat and people know it whether you're wearing a jumper or a g-string. Just get on the fuckin' beach. Lay like a walrus and love it; those things are formidable. All that awaits you at home is more food and less health. It takes a single choice to change that. Not a commitment, just a choice, now, in this moment. Even if it's not going to the beach, just step into the garden. Just break the cycle.

Now I'm wondering if I can take my own advice and turn off the internet.
>> No. 28455 Anonymous
29th April 2019
Monday 3:13 pm
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Walking barefoot in the grass is genuinely lovely, I don't know how literal you were being, but I can highly recommend it. Today has been quite a positive one on the whole, and I think that was helped by the way I, semi-consiously, fell out of bed and started doing press-ups and stretches and squats all while still wrapped in a douvet. It got the humours going, so to speak.

And I might end up fat too after eating an entire bag of chocolate peanuts since my last post! Oh, God, my insides.
>> No. 28456 Anonymous
29th April 2019
Monday 5:40 pm
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>All that awaits you at home is more food and less health. It takes a single choice to change that. Not a commitment, just a choice, now, in this moment.
>> No. 28457 Anonymous
29th April 2019
Monday 6:02 pm
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That's not what he's saying lad.

The trouble with depression is that that really is the only proper solution. I've been in and out of it all my life and I know from experience that only I can pull myself out of the drain and start thinking positively again. Only I can make that happen. But the nature of depression is to make that near impossible.

The only way to help someone is step by step, bit by bit, listening to their moaning, not judging them, giving them the support they need to reach that turnaround point by themselves. There's no showing them how it's done, there's no expecting them to be okay by now, there's no showing them how. There is only patience and forgiveness and understanding, without judgement, until they feel capable.

Things like antidepressants and CBT do not directly combat depression. They merely combat some of the worst symptoms in order to render that transition less impossible.
>> No. 28458 Anonymous
29th April 2019
Monday 7:07 pm
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That is exactly what he is saying, If your depression is curable through one simple action/choice that starts a chain of events then you have confused depression with wallowing and being repressed, and possibly a hollywood movie involving a manic pixie dream girl.

My life is a constant exhausting struggle where sometimes I have to pat myself on the back for having left the house that day, and being able to maintain a basic level of self care. It is an endurance test in seeing how long I can go without being pulled back into the drain. I'm really not one to dump my problems and issues on others but the implication here is insulting.
>> No. 28460 Anonymous
30th April 2019
Tuesday 5:25 pm
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Have you walked barefoot on the grass, recently? Will you do it, sincerely, if you believed it might help?
>> No. 28461 Anonymous
1st May 2019
Wednesday 4:16 pm
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You prolly can't.
Anyway, I know what you're talking about as I had been applying exactly the same technique in the past, only with different situations. Then some events happened in my life that threw me back into the old cesspit of mine.
I've been trying to crawl away again, this time banging my head on the metaphorical glass wall in front of me for a while. Something prevents me from breaking out and finding my peace.
It all scares me as I am no more a 20 year old in the morning of one's life and I feel like I cannot afford being in that shite state at my age anymore. It's either sink or swim; and if you're good at swimming, you've got to let the losers drown [0].
I'm not good at swimming. I can't let go either.

[0] The original context of this phrase implied 'typical human politics', that is, bog standard Machiavellism. Thinking about it now, I might draw a different picture, as in shedding the weight that prevents one from gaining buoyancy and set to sail again after.

Sage for rambling.
>> No. 28462 Anonymous
1st May 2019
Wednesday 4:32 pm
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Why would anyone do anything insincerely if the believed it worked?
>> No. 28464 Anonymous
1st May 2019
Wednesday 9:24 pm
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Because they are LIARS.
>> No. 28465 Anonymous
2nd May 2019
Thursday 1:00 pm
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You think you're disagreeing with me but you're not.

Patting yourself on the back for just leaving the house is exactly the right approach. Don't feel like you're patronising yourself or being ridiculous. This is what CBT and mindfulness tries to teach- You have to love yourself and reward yourself for what you DO do, however insignificant, instead of beating yourself up for what you don't.

If you still think the implications are insulting then fair enough, but I'm not sorry. Keep in mind that I've been exactly where you are. I'm not trying to convince you, but one day you will see.
>> No. 28466 Anonymous
2nd May 2019
Thursday 4:54 pm
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I walked barefoot on grass yesterday. It was awful.

I think your mistake comes from the assumption that all depression comes from an internal conflict and it doesn't. As I rather bluntly put it 'wallowing and repression', but societal, chemical, genetics and long term conditioning are factors for many. Mine is hard coded into my genetics and traceable through lineage. By any therapist standard I am 'doing everything right' the last CBT therapist I talked to concluded after one session there was nothing they could do for me and we politely parted ways. I will never be cured and that ultimately makes your assumptions about all depression just being; a state of mind wrong curable through choice and actions simply wrong.
>> No. 28467 Anonymous
2nd May 2019
Thursday 5:14 pm
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If you have the means to access private therapy, you might want to look into RoDBT or CBASP - unlike CBT, they're specifically designed to treat chronic depression that is conventionally regarded as treatment-resistant. Chronically depressed people don't think like acutely depressed people and they respond to treatment differently, but the bulk of research and training is about acute depression.

Also, if things get really bad, seriously consider ECT. There's a lot of stigma about it, people think that it's archaic and cruel, but it works miraculously well for a lot of people when everything else has failed.
>> No. 28468 Anonymous
2nd May 2019
Thursday 5:33 pm
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No, you are again making false assumptions of your own. I'm well aware of the nature of depression, it runs in my family. Both my uncles on my mother's side topped themselves. This is incidentally why I've pledged never to have children of my own.

I realise that you're not going to change your mind and I'm not trying to start a cunt off, but I implore you to question your own concrete assumptions for a moment and see if it isn't the cynicism of depression talking. All I'm trying to tell you is that there is hope- You'll never be what they call "cured" but you can be somewhere approaching in control.
>> No. 28469 Anonymous
2nd May 2019
Thursday 5:53 pm
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Did you get new shoes recently?
>> No. 28471 Anonymous
2nd May 2019
Thursday 11:10 pm
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I'll look into them they are at least things I've never tried or heard of before.

Ah well now we get to what invested in the debate.
My concrete assumptions are nothing more than years of trying and observing and accepting that which cannot change. You wouldn't presume a schizophrenic to just snap out of it or an autistic to get better, so why suggest I'm just not trying? I am about as comfortable as I could be with my long fight against misery. It is a constant battle where occasionally the stars aline enough for me to honestly say a day was pleasant. Mostly it is constant uphill fights where the cure feels worse than the disease though. I can't be as optimistic as you it would hurt far too much and set me back if I fail. finding a slightly below neutral default is better than ridding the highs and lows for me mostly.


Cuts on the feet? I wore some smart but uncomfortable shoes the other day and walked a bit too much in them. Buggered up me going to the gym for the last week as there is a hole in the back of my ankle I don't want to irritate.
>> No. 28474 Anonymous
8th May 2019
Wednesday 5:53 am
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Why wouldn't anyone help me?
>> No. 28475 Anonymous
8th May 2019
Wednesday 6:30 am
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It must happens mate, most of the time it's not malicious. Especially if you have trouble standing up and asking for help.

We're here if you want to open up about it.
>> No. 28477 Anonymous
8th May 2019
Wednesday 8:03 am
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If helping and listening were synonymous then my issues would have been solved long ago. Clearly this is not the case.
>> No. 28478 Anonymous
8th May 2019
Wednesday 9:28 am
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Well what help is it that you think you need? Please expand for us. We might be able to offer constructive advice rather than just listening.
>> No. 28479 Anonymous
8th May 2019
Wednesday 11:10 pm
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How can I get my head to shut the fuck up? I don't fancy getting pissed for the 4th day in a row, and plus drinking initially makes all the shit more intense for a while.
>> No. 28480 Anonymous
8th May 2019
Wednesday 11:37 pm
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I think there might be a thread for alkies on /A/.
>> No. 28481 Anonymous
9th May 2019
Thursday 12:55 am
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I'm afraid that the only options are confronting when you are ready or drinking yourself to death. I'm not sure exactly how much I drank when I was in your position but it was well over 100 units in a handful of days.

Drinking to forget isn't sustainable I'm afraid.
>> No. 28488 Anonymous
12th May 2019
Sunday 6:50 pm
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Feeling excited, need to get out the house, but all that awaits is a duckpond; a coastal walk - alone. I want to dance to this song, I want to be somebody, but i can't do that alone. The woman next door isn't to my liking (i feel bad even saying this), the girl up the road .. i love her but I don't know how to talk to her. I don't want to dwell on being lonely; it happens when I make it but, man, i just wanna dance.
>> No. 28489 Anonymous
12th May 2019
Sunday 7:17 pm
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You can dance alone to that song. She does.
>> No. 28490 Anonymous
12th May 2019
Sunday 8:53 pm
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>> No. 28491 Anonymous
13th May 2019
Monday 9:14 am
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Miserable all the time, no money, no one to talk to, no where to be, no one gives a shit about me. I'm a non-person, no one sends me letters or emails, let alone has cause to speak to me, or I to them. Every day is the same because every day is nothing. No point going to a GP anymore, no where else to go beyond that. Leaving the house isn't just hard, it feels pointless. Being outdoors doesn't perk me up, not once I'm back in. I don't know what else to do so I do as little as possible.

Nobody gives a crap because no one even knows I exist anymore.
>> No. 28492 Anonymous
13th May 2019
Monday 11:26 am
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It does seem as though you're not the only one who feels this way. There'll be other advice no doubt but have you tried doing volunteering or something? Find something you can do that'll put you around other people with the opportunity to be helpful to them. They may not be grateful at first but that's not the point. While you're at it, find something you can observe other people doing which they enjoy that doesn't make you envious. Learn to take pleasure in facilitating other people's happiness, even if they don't notice.
>> No. 28493 Anonymous
14th May 2019
Tuesday 4:50 am
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It seems reading comprehension might be a bigger problem for you.


You're not having a good time, I understand that. It seems like you've reduced yourself to a speck of dust and thus feel that no one notices you. Getting out of that has a lot of purpose, while it might be possible, the idea that in a couple of years you could feel relatively normal ought to be a decent incentive.
>> No. 28504 Anonymous
17th May 2019
Friday 10:55 pm
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I can't imagine what I'd volunteer for. I can barely look after myself anymore.

I don't even know how I'd go about getting back to normality anymore. When I think about the problems I have to overcome all I conclude is that I'd be better off topping myself.
>> No. 28505 Anonymous
17th May 2019
Friday 11:15 pm
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I'm not sure being a in-person as you describe is inherently a bad thing. It is largely a goal I pursue myself, in that it gives me tranquility from the outside world, obviously it isn't for you.

The follow up questions I'd like to ask you is what is it you WANT, what do you think you NEED and what would you change if you could.

Try keep your answers concise and clear so that we can try work through them.
>> No. 28506 Anonymous
17th May 2019
Friday 11:17 pm
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Non-person not in person. Phone auto correct is a monster.
>> No. 28507 Anonymous
17th May 2019
Friday 11:49 pm
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I'll make my answers as long as I fucking please.

By a "non-person" I mean that I'm penniless, friendless with no education, no means of getting a job or much chance being offered one anyway. I have nothing and I am nothing, I'm just pissing away time because I can't handle anything else. No one can help me because the only people I know anymore are just as fucked as I am, and that's my parents. GPs just send me to a pathetic CBT counselor and give me pills that ruin my hard ons forever.

I want to be at uni, and a flat to live alone in, no one has ever helped me achieve these things though, whether that be direct intervention of some sort or just explaining how I could do so myself. I'm a fucking 15 year old still, in terms of my abilities, but I'm sort of erudite and stubborn so everyone assumed I'd figure it out. Well, I fucking didn't, and now I'm a washed up NEET scumbag and I don't know what to do anymore because I've fucked up everything I've tried so far. No one cares, and I'm too much of a headcase to sort things out on my own. I should just fucking end it, because it won't get any better. Even if I did end up alone, in a flat, attending uni, I'd just get so stressed I'd have another meltdown and wind up shutting myself off from the world until everything has too FUBAR for me to salvage. It's just gotten tedious now. I'd be madder to carry on the pretense that I'm capable of change than I would be to off myself in some woods.

Look how fucking nutty I am, just look; what the hell I am going to be like after another five or six years of this? I'm going to end up hurting someone, I already get angry at the drop of a hat, I could be a rampaging loon by then. I can still hide it, mostly, but I've already walked out in front of cars just to fuck with people and considered knifing a bloke for giving me shit at a train station. I'm not normal, I never have been. No one seriously took note so they thought I might be something, but all I am is a let down to them, and danger to everyone else. I just need to face facts and stop pretending.
>> No. 28508 Anonymous
18th May 2019
Saturday 12:12 am
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The first thing you did when I asked you to make a list of your goals so we could go through them was attack me for telling you what to do and then complain that no one wants to help and then continue wallowing.

If you actually want help then you have to cooperate. If you just want to complain and attack people who try to help then people won't help you because they presume you don't really want to help, you just want to complain about not getting help.
>> No. 28509 Anonymous
18th May 2019
Saturday 12:14 am
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Why are you expecting others to help you?
>> No. 28510 Anonymous
18th May 2019
Saturday 12:22 am
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We've definitely had loads of good threads on the topic of "I fucked up my GCSEs and I'm stuck on the dole, how do I get into university?". Could anyone dig them out and help this lad out?
>> No. 28511 Anonymous
18th May 2019
Saturday 12:46 am
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Because I can't stop myself. I reread it and reread and I didn't delete it because, well, I don't know why. I'm losing my mind.

I've tried to do everything on my own and I've failed each time.

Don't bother, I probably posted them.
>> No. 28512 Anonymous
18th May 2019
Saturday 12:59 am
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Doesn't seem like you want help.
>> No. 28513 Anonymous
18th May 2019
Saturday 1:31 am
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>> No. 28514 Anonymous
18th May 2019
Saturday 1:40 am
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Okay well let's try again. Set out your goals and needs clearly. Part of why I asked you to do it in a very simple concise way is because it allows us to focus better on that specific goal and what the obstacles to those goals are.

We can all dwell our mistakes, but it isn't very useful to list them off like it makes success impossible. I get that you are afraid to try, because you've failed before, and it hurts. But trying is the only way we move forward.
>> No. 28515 Anonymous
18th May 2019
Saturday 6:18 am
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I've seen people more fucked up than you getting better after serious therapy. Too bad that NHS mental health services are nonexistent. It looks like mental health is regarded as a privilege, so if you cannot pay you are fucked. Sorry, mate, is there any way you can find a cheap private therapist?
>> No. 28516 Anonymous
18th May 2019
Saturday 6:25 am
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Lad, you've been refusing everything given to you in this thread. I get that you can't see it, but imagine the madness of a beggar that refuses money- that's you.

A 15 year old that has to walk 1,000 miles will likely sit around, wonder why, and complain about how unfair it is. An adult will just get on with it, 1,000 miles is simply 1 mile a thousand times, two or three miles a day is pretty tame for most of us.

If you want to stop being a 15 year old, then you need to stop dwelling on all of this. Your goals (a place to live? A partner? A social circle? A job?) might feel far away but they're not. Honestly, this could all be 'solved' in about 2-3 years.

And stop all this bloody self-condemnation. You are nowhere near as 'fucked up' or 'helpless' as you imagine.

It'd be wise to follow >>28514 and work out some actual goals.
>> No. 28517 Anonymous
19th May 2019
Sunday 7:23 pm
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Is spot on, dreams and goals take time and effort. They don't happen overnight. You have to pursue them one step at a time.
The best thing you can do is ask yourself what you want, and work back through all the process on how to get there, then go for it.
You have to take that leap and stick to it. It takes time but with perseverance you'll get there.
>> No. 28518 Anonymous
22nd May 2019
Wednesday 4:09 pm
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Fuck. I just fucked a resit exam. I've got one more to do and my continuation of the course rests on that, but I overestimated how well I'd been revising so didn't book much time off work this week.

Which means I either definitely fuck my future plans and have wasted 3 years of my life, or I completely fuck over my understaffed kitchen job as nobody can cover my shift and they were trying to stretch me to give someone else time off.

The choice is fairly obvious for me but I don't know how to break it to my boss. I wasn't expecting this to happen.
>> No. 28519 Anonymous
22nd May 2019
Wednesday 6:02 pm
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>The choice is fairly obvious for me but I don't know how to break it to my boss.

Tell him you have sickness and diarrhoea - you legally cannot set foot in that kitchen for at least 48 hours from your symptoms abating. "It's unfortunate, boss, but I wouldn't want to get you into trouble with the EHO"
>> No. 28520 Anonymous
22nd May 2019
Wednesday 6:18 pm
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Not saying otherlad is, but I've never understood people's reluctance to pull a sickie when they need to- Your boss doesn't have your best interests in mind. He'd have you trapped in your shit kitchen job the rest of his life if he could, purely so he doesn't have to worry about hiring about someone else.

Look after number one, mate. Phone in sick.
>> No. 28521 Anonymous
22nd May 2019
Wednesday 6:23 pm
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>Your boss doesn't have your best interests in mind. He'd have you trapped in your shit kitchen job the rest of his life if he could, purely so he doesn't have to worry about hiring about someone else.

True enough. It's easy to get caught up in the camaraderie of a kitchen and adopt the sense that you're letting the entire team down if you don't come in, but at the end of the day, it's only some fucking food, don't knack yourself up just to make sure some cunt can come in and buy a plate of chips, and nobody will know, care, or ever remember that you sacrificed your health or wellbeing for the team.

Not really getting that vibe from otherlad either, to be fair, but I feel it's worth saying anyway.
>> No. 28522 Anonymous
22nd May 2019
Wednesday 6:31 pm
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>doesn't have to worry about hiring about someone else

Funny thing, I'm meant to be learning the cooking bit of this place (it's two people, and I'm the porter (it's just fast food so not even difficult)) so the cook can have time off. I literally walked in to the job so I don't know why they can't another chef until one sticks so they have a spare - there are two shops and 148 hours between them both for the cook's positions. and two cooks.

I'm just torn because there are only two people responsible for the entire making of the food. If I don't come in they will be completely fucked.
OTOH I was going to quit in a month and go to somewhere with a proper timetabling system and enough staff that I can just take days off when I want.
>> No. 28523 Anonymous
22nd May 2019
Wednesday 6:39 pm
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>OTOH I was going to quit in a month and go to somewhere with a proper timetabling system and enough staff that I can just take days off when I want.

I encourage you to do this. It sounds like they don't really know what the fuck they're doing over there, if they're not willing/able to hire anyone else or even write a proper rota, then they don't deserve you and your sense of loyalty. Let the boss do some fucking scrubbing.
>> No. 28524 Anonymous
22nd May 2019
Wednesday 6:43 pm
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It's my fault really, I was being optimistic about my abilities. And to be fair the boss does cover shifts fairly often (instead of hiring more cooks? I don't ask why).

Still it's a fuckin pita compared to all of my other jobs and the shifts go up to 12 hours to boot, of which at 4 are practically dead sales wise.

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