|>>|| No. 4842
A lot of what you're saying echoes my own fatlad story.
It took me a long time to realise that I'm just not the type of person who can 'willpower' myself into doing something, and I'm not the sort of person who can do moderation. I can too easily convince myself that the two pizzas tonight will somehow launch me into a new diet tomorrow, and do the same the next day, and the next, etc until I've effectively forgotten that I want to lose weight for another week or so.
The inability to moderate is the easy bit, if you start thinking of food as addiction, which it definitely is for me. You can't just have 'a little bit' of crack, so similarly I stopped allowing myself to have 'just one' bag of crisps or whatever, because it's never, ever just one bag. One cheat is basically failure in my mind and an easy way to convince myself the attempt at a diet is over, and that's not even getting into the actual chemical addictive properties of high carb/fat snack foods.
So my method, as shaky as it was, was to wait for one of those rare moments of actual determined focus on losing weight (I suspect you're in one now too) and jump on it. Try to eat well, 'proper food', but cut out junk entirely. Eat as much as I can for the first week or two, as long as it's whole food, or at least not crisps, sweets, and takeaways. Then as I get used to that, I'd start counting the calories. It's all about getting into a routine, and being honest with yourself that the first couple of weeks will be hell and you'll feel fucking useless and powerless, but you're definitely not. You can definitely eat properly for a day, then two days, then three, then a week, then a month.
I also found improving my mental state and general living helped. Apparently people who exercise regularly crave fewer junk foods, and I find that to be true - even just purposely walking once a day puts me in a fitness mindset and I find it easier to resist my trigger foods. Keeping my house tidy, keeping on top of errands and chores, these were all things I wasn't doing while sitting on my arse eating 5000 calories so when I started doing them, my whole mindset slowly and subtley changed. I felt less like a piece of shit who deserved to wallow, and more like a normal person who happened to have put on a load of weight, and I think, even just typing it now, I realise that's the key to it for me. Whenever I've felt worthless, useless, pointless, it's oh so easy to allow yourself to abuse your body, because why the fuck not?
I'm sorry for the rambling, but I know exactly where you're coming from. My only practical advice would be to take one day at a time, and try to think about what might actually make you accountable. For me it was simply proving that I could fight my own shitty brain, it might be something else for you, but like the otherlad says, long term thinking is needed.