I bought one of those screw-on bidets you install yourself, my arse has never been happier. Fancy using paper and your hands to clean your bumhole like some fucking ape.

>>69809
I don't know why but this post is very amusing. Well done ladm9

>>69809
WHAT DOES IT SCREW ON TO?

https://www. Please ban me/news/16437174/britain-pie-crisis-shortage-of-foil-tins/

>>69811
It's got a pair of slotted holes that align with the holes for the seat. They provide a T-joint and tube to connect the unit to the water line into the cistern. Five minutes to install.

>>69821
>There are also fears that mince pies could be affected as the nation starts preparing for Christmas.

I wasn't panicking because we all know that Father Christmas has his own supply chain but he doesn't work for peanuts. Next it'll be the cookies and carrots.

>>69823
I'd rather have stollen anyway.

>>69824

Lidl's stollen is piss though if you've actually been to Germany, and especially places like Dresden. They're not technically the birthplace of stollen, but Dresden sort of turned stollen into fine art. You have to have special permission from the Dresden Bakers Guild, whose centuries-old statutes say that without that permission, you are not allowed to produce stollen in and around Dresden, and much less call it Dresdner Stollen.

We went to a place called Café Reimann right across from Dresden Cathedral, and they told us the whole litany, and naturally that Reimann is the best and biggest local stollen producer.

Some travel advice for the After times. You're welcome. And their stollen really was delicious.

>>69825
Did you apologise for the bombing?

>>69826

> Did you apologise for the bombing?

They didn't apologise for the watery hot chocolate I had with their otherwise very delicious stollen, so no.

>>69825
It's similar with a lot of their regional beers, which is why German beer is shite.

>>69828

I'm not generally a fan of top fermented beers, which is what some of their regional beers are. We had some Kolsch and also some Alt, and neither was an absolute revelation. In Bavaria they drink a lot of Weissbier, also top fermented, a bit like watered down pale ale, but it also was a bit meh. Maybe you had to be in Bavaria to fully appreciate it, which was not on our itinerary.

Schwarzbier, on the other hand, was an interesting take on Stout. We really enjoyed it, although it gave all of us a pretty bad headache the next day.

>>69829

I really like weissbier and wheat beer; but I once had a really tasty one in a pretentious hipster bar that I can't remember the name of, and I'll forever have to live knowinng I won't find it again, and being disappointed at the likes of erdinger in a spoons.

>>69830

We had Paulaner Weissbier. Not bad, but a bit indistinct, taste wise. As most Weissbier is, I guess.

We took home a carton of Kostritzer Schwarzbier, which I haven't seen anywere in the UK. Considered one of the best major Schwarzbier brands there. Very rich, but again, potential for horrible headaches the following day.

>>69829
>>69830
>>69831
Schwarzbier can be alright. Have either of you tried a rauchbier? Tastes like smoky bacon crisps.

>>69832
A lot of hipster pubs near me sell the bacon beer, but I can never remember what it's called so I sometimes order it by mistake. It makes my usual games of pub Russian Roulette even more exciting, knowing I might accidentally order the bacon beer again.

>>69833
Most pubs will let you have a sample to see if you like it before ordering a pint.

>>69834
How many can you have before they think you're taking the piss? Or until the other punters think you're taking the piss?

>>69834
People keep saying this. For me, it's the risk of having something horrible that I enjoy. The taste is irrelevant, really; I want to drink an adventure. And about one time in ten, that adventure is the bloody bacon beer again.

Bacon is going for 80p at my local supermarket. Time to stock up, lads.

Unfortunately I went to the supermarket to buy condoms and they didn't have any. Same happened when I went to the nearby chemist. There wasn't any on display anyway, I'm not asking for condoms (extra-regular) in a crowded store. I reckon I'll be able to pick them up at the train station's Boots but if not then this is a very worrisome development indeed.

>>69837
Go without. Live a little.

>>69838
Well I'm not actually planning on using one, just doing a few unenthusiastic thrusts to convince her to let me go in bareback. I'm a gentleman.

>>69837
Ba-con-dick
Ba-con-dick
Ba-con-dick

You know you want to

>>69837

Ugh, .. I'd never bought condoms before this one time, when I leant into the female cashier and whispered "do you sell (motioned with the mouth) C O N D O M S?". Horror struck, she pointed where they were then shrunk off in silence.
Fucking retarded autism. Mortifying.

>>69841
>motioned with the mouth
What motion? Did you mime putting on a condom with your mouth?

>>69842
Like, visibily mouthed the word rather than speaking it, right up in her face.
There were people abou, I thought I was being discrete. Turned out it was just inapropriately intimate.

>>69841

I WAS ONCE IN SUPERDRUG WITH A FEMALE FRIEND, WHO NEEDED TO BUY CONDOMS FOR HER BOYFRIEND. HE WAS A PARTICULARLY WELL ENDOWED CHAP AND SO SHE HAD TO BUY THE EXTRA LARGE KIND. SO ANYWAY, WE'RE STANDING AT THE TILL, THE FEMALE CASHIER PICKS UP THE CONDOMS, LOOKS AT DOWN AT THEM, HER EYES GO WIDE AND THEN SHE LOOKS AT ME. WELL LADM9S I DID THE ONLY THING A MAN IN MY POSITION COULD, I GAVE HER A NOD AND THE "YEAHHHH, THAT'S RIGHT" KIND OF SMUG LOOK THAT TOLD HER IT WAS I WHO POSSESSED THE MASSIVE COCK.

MINE IS ONLY A RESPECTABLE 7"

>>69845
I stole a load of condoms from our year 8 science class after our teacher had given us the talk on how to put them on. Being that I was 12 and mostly concerned with Dragonball Z, I had no plans to use them, and was just doing it for the asinine pre-teen bants. One of my mates grassed me up instantly, and I had to have a shameful conversation with the teacher.

With my fully-developed and then some, ey ey libido, I've since realised our science teacher that year fresh out of uni, an absolute smokeshow, and I had the pleasure of watching her diligently unfurl a condom over a large test tube. Had I been developmentally a little further on, I would have wanked myself blind that evening.

>>69837

"I'm sorry love, I can't find johnnies anywhere, but I did manage to buy some lube wink".

I don't know why you lads are so childish about it. I loudly ask for condoms and lube whenever I cannot find it, and then make aggressive eye contact with whoever else is queueing up.

Whenever I need haemorrhoid cream or thrush ointment, I buy condoms too as a distraction. I've got hundreds of the fuckers. And as it turns out, you definitely, definitely cannot use them as balloons for your neighbour's kid's birthday party.

I've used condoms like twice in my life.

one of the times was basically my first or second ever fuck, we were both awkward as fuck and neither of us could manage to get one on me, and when we eventually did the mood had sort of gone. the second time, several years later, the thing ripped itself in half, and we only realised because luckily we stopped for a mid-sex fag break. For years I believed the whole thing about how durable and elastic condoms are and that surely I'm not that generously hung, I don't like to be egotistical after all. But the facts speak for themselves.

Either way I don't like 'em. I've never really slept around with strangers and my partners have always used birth control, so I've never really needed it.

>>69850
>A MID-SEX FAG BREAK
What? What the fuck? I don't think you know how to use condoms correctly.

>>69850
Unless you bought some kind of poundland special offer condom size is a comfort not a breaking thing. You'd have to be cartoonishly large to break one from size alone but "dry" friction (basically they need lube, be it natural or artifical) or mishandling can cause issues. Sheer black luck also applies, of course.

>>69850l
>MY PARTNERS HAVE ALWAYS USED BIRTH CONTROL, SO I'VE NEVER REALLY NEEDED IT

And, of course, women never lie about being on birth control to oops someone.

>>69851

You know, when you fuck for like, half an hour to an hour, and you just have a bit of a breather. I used to play this game with her where I'd go "bet you can't distract me" and then she'd nosh me off while I slowly rolled a cig/spliff.

>>69852

Nah they were durex. They were the emergency condoms for in case she hadn't had her pill though, so they had been in the bedside drawer for about a year.

>>69853

Don't date people you don't trust, and especially don't put your dick in people you don't trust. If you're the kind of person who doesn't trust anyone, relationships are not for you.

>>69854
>DON'T DATE PEOPLE YOU DON'T TRUST, AND ESPECIALLY DON'T PUT YOUR DICK IN PEOPLE YOU DON'T TRUST. IF YOU'RE THE KIND OF PERSON WHO DOESN'T TRUST ANYONE, RELATIONSHIPS ARE NOT FOR YOU.

If a woman wants to have a baby she will have a baby. It happens all the time.

>>69855

A friend got a lass pregnant during a ONS. Turned out she desperately wanted a baby, and she was determined to get pregnant from any lad with adequate genes (my friend is a civil engineer and former rowing champion). Long story short, she made it clear that she didn't want my friend to ever have contact with the little girl who was then born. My friend still gets to pay close to 800 quid a month in child maintenance from his £90k income, while that woman has convinced the family court that my friend is an "unwanted influence" on the life she now has with her new partner. My friend tried to talk to her very reasonably one or two times, but that only led to her saying she'd get an injunction and tell authorities that he threatened her if he didn't leave her alone.

Almost makes you consider having your sperm frozen and getting a vasectomy.

>>69854
>If you're the kind of person who doesn't trust anyone, relationships are not for you.
The dream, the nightmare.

>>69855

And? None of my partners have wanted a baby. If they wanted to get pregnant they could have just asked me. The trouble is, like in a lot of cases, that men think with their dick and go sticking it where they should really know better than to stick it.

You know when a girl is trouble, your instincts tell you loud and clear. But you ignore them and listen to your balls instead. It is the single most exploitable weakness any man has, and if you conquer it, no woman will ever again hold power over you.

Learn that one simple lesson and probably 90% of life's troubles vanish overnight.

>>69837
For an update I bought condoms from the train station and got a meal deal with it. Cost me £17 and didn't have sex. The End.

>>69858
>You know when a girl is trouble, your instincts tell you loud and clear. But you ignore them and listen to your balls instead.

I'm not sure that's entirely fair. A friend of mine stayed in an on-off relationship for years, both unstable to varying degrees, for what seems primarily due to abandoment issues. The friend did say he'd never wear a condom; she apparently took fertility drugs without his knowledge, and they've predictably ended up seperated with a child.

Yeah there are clearly elements of character to be overcome, but they're surely deeper than your balls.

>>69859
Sex isn't usually included in the meal deal, at least not on your mum's day off.

>>69860
>>69860

On the other hand, if you're willing to take risks on the kind of problems that can ensue, you will get some of the best sex you've ever imagined with a mental lass. Something about not being right in the head makes them incredible shags. I'm not sure you can say the same about a mentally unstable lad.

I dated a lass once who was on a whole cocktail of prescription downers, antipsychotics and mood stabilisers. It kept her docile for most of the day, but weirdly it also gave her a very strong sex drive. She would say that being in bed with a lad were the only moments where she felt alive and not like a zombie from all the medication she was taking. So there were days when I honestly had to take a day or two off from shagging because my knob was glowing red with soreness. I felt increasingly bad because it was like I was abusing a mentally disabled person. Which I wasn't, she was legally sane and even able to go out and work part time in a supermarket in her state. But still.

I did make sure she was taking her birth control pills faithfully, but it didn't really seem like she needed help with it. She even said, "It's enough that there's one crazy person like me in the world".

>High Street chemists have run out of some hay-fever drugs, as a UK industry-wide shortage hits supplies. Stocks of chlorphenamine maleate, the active ingredient in brands such as Piriton, are limited, Boots says. Pollen counts will remain medium to high across much of the UK this week, the Met Office says.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-61377521

I hope neither of you were planning on going outside anytime soon.

>>70923

>I hope neither of you were planning on going outside anytime soon.

No, no, that's the real people world. We can't be out there!

>>70923
Sounds like a perfect opportunity to start selling my hippie remedies made from whatever I have in my kitchen. Hayfever got you down? Just half a pint of my patented horseradish sauce, cumin and fenugreek powder, for the low low price of just £19.99, and I guarantee you will see see results of some sort.

>>70923
Might be a good thing if people with hay-fever die out. Survival of the fittest.

>>70923

Only effects about 1/5 of Hay-fever meds apparently. Any of the types which don't make you drowsy are dandy.