We've come in to work to the great Cheese and Ham scandal.

The person who is now bereft of these key foodstuffs is annoyed but not actually too bothered about it, but their brown-nosing subordinate is making it her personal mission to bring the culprits to justice by placing a rather desperate sign on the fridge demanding the items back or the £6.90 they were worth.

The kicker? The items were more than likely thrown out by the cleaner because they were just sitting in the fridge before the weekend. What's more the caped crusader who's inserted themselves in to this whodunnit will probably expect the money from them even though it was the cleaner's job to empty the fridge.

>>12487
>the £6.90 they were worth.

For cheese and ham? Get out of here. Were they gilded with gold leaf?

>>12487
>likely thrown out by the cleaner
That is so obviously what has happened.

>expect the money from them even though it was the cleaner's job to empty the fridge.
To the barricades!

>>12487

There's a notice taped to the fridge where I work saying that thefts will be treated with disciplinary action.

Whenever I'm in on a weekend I always use some of the head's milk, as vengeance for the shift patterns she forced in. Cunt.

>>12488

Look at this chav who doesn't eat serrano and stinking bishop sarnies for elevenses.

>>12491
Billy Bear or nothing.

>>12492

I felt a great disturbance in the John Lewis, as if millions of middle-class mothers suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly ranting on Mumsnet.

People who overrun their meetings through poor time keeping then don't stop to check if anybody actually wants to eat at 12. 12 is sacrosanct eating hour fuck me.

>>12494
You're better off eating at one. Shorter afternoon, innit.

>>12495

Just have a #sneakyharvester when everyone else is back at work.

>>12478
>>12479
>>12480

The places I've known to do this work on a bonus / evaluation basis. If you fuck up a lot your evaluation won't go well and you won't be getting a bonus for that period. They usually apply this to both quality of work and your timekeeping.

>>12497

I'm very familiar with OTE-type bonuses, but I don't think that's what otherlad meant by a 'monetary fine system'. That'd be a very strange way to phrase not getting a bonus dependent on performance.

>>12494
I go for lunch as late as possible normally. I dunno why.

Fuck offices. I'm going to work under the sea.

>>12498
It's exactly what it says on the tin. You do (or don't do) some thing that's on the list, you get fined. The sum varies, if it's the second time you fuck up, the fine will be higher. If it's the third time even more so, up to lay off.

>>12520

That's mental. I hope you're getting paid handsomely before the fines.

I can't even fathom signing that sort of contract, unless it was big money they were offering in the first place. I've turned down jobs for having targeted bonuses that seemed too unrealistic.

>>12519

£1000 a day for divers, lad

Dangerous as fuck, might die each day you go down to weld a North Sea oil rig stanchion thing.

Not many women taking this career option to shorten a pay gap

>>12523

You have my attention. Commercial diving? Do I need to take on an apprenticeship or a long period of training? How many professional divers die per year?

I'll obviously search for these answers myself, but often .gs knows some incredibly in-depth knowledge of stuff like this.

>>12521
> I hope you're getting paid handsomely before the fines.
Not really. But then, we don't have fines yet. The sales department do.

They've lost the majority of the oldies during the last 6-12 months. My more optimistic - and closer to the management - workmates say that'll preclude the introduction of fines to our department as it has created a moderately high turnover rate at the sales dept., thus not really working as intended. Add that the head of our dept. has stated several times that he doesn't think that fines ever work. But I wouldn't wager on that - he's a 'no fucks given' lad, if the tops peck him long enough, he'll probably cave.

The supervisor of our team has also worked at all kinds of shite jobs and thus reckons that fines are normal and that there can't be too much discipline. That doesn't help either.

Now having written all of this and re-called some other dubious things that have happened over the last year maybe I should really consider bugging out.

>>12526

Can I ask what sort of job you do/industry you're in? The idea of a lad saying fines are normal is utterly alien to me.

>>12527
Telecommunications. What that lad says is of less importance really [0], he's a bit too complex (this also had been noticed by people who'd worked with him at the same company way before I joined); I'll emphasise that it's a different country. Not UK. Things are different here. Probably different enough that I could have been equally perplexed by your reaction had I not heard that you have it a tad better than we do (but as >>12497>>12480 imply, still not without similar issues).

Unsure what else to add here without going into the whining territory.

[0] Regarding this specific industry as he previously worked in a different one.

>>12528

>I'll emphasise that it's a different country. Not UK.

Ah okay - that does make more sense.

It'd be fully legal for a company to do this in the UK too (as long as it's in your contract etc), I've just never heard of it happening here, ever, I suspect because it'd certainly put people off here. Whether that says more about our country or yours, I don't know.

>>12487

My favourite thing about being a cleaner in an office is not doing any of the office work.

Now I work in an office and it's like being on the outside looking in.

Scrum (The software development thingy). It's being implemented at my work, and it all seems a bit wanky-bollocks to me. Loads of meetings, when I was want to be getting on with shit.

We've had a new lad start and he's quiet. Really quiet. Now I'm fairly asocial and a bit awkward but he kills every conversation dead. Ask him if he had a nice weekend and you'll get a "fine, thanks" with no mention of what he did or asking you about your weekend. I know he's new and people take time to settle in but it's like drawing blood from a stone.

>>12532
Everyone does it differently - if used well, it can be really good. There should only be at most three meetings, a daily standup, a planning meeting and a retrospective (they can be the same meeting) every two or four weeks depending on your sprint cycle. Anything else is, as you say, wanky-bollocks.

>>12533
Sorry mate but I'm here to work, not to chat. Everyone is babbling on so much about Celebrity Big Brother and their favourite type of coffee that I can barely concentrate on learning the ropes as it is.

>>12533
>>12535
People who attend Bronycon but mantain regular jobs would be vague, I imagine.

>>12535
As I said, I am socially awkward and not a people person. However, being an introvert doesn't mean that I don't know the basics of how to carry a conversation. It's not even inane chatter like talking about Love Island, which the admin bints were obsessed with but that's a different team in a different part of the building; he kills pretty much every single effort to talk to him with extremely short answers.

I'm not hoping that he's going to be a massive chatterbox, but there's a load of middle ground between that and giving two/three word responses.

>>12537
Alright then, try highlighting it and see how he reacts. Ask another open-ended question and when you get the requisite terse response, pause for a few seconds and then say something like "Man of few words, aren't you?" He might address it, and if it doesn't, at least you've made him aware he's being unsociable.

>>12538
People who are quiet love it when you point out that they're quiet.

>>12539

I was just about to say the same thing.

https://everything2.com/title/you+don%2527t+talk+much

>>12533

What if you didn't do anything at the weekend but would feel judged for saying so? I think "Fine thanks" might be a reasonable way to dodge the question.

>>12542
It turned out that he has actually been up to things this weekend. Besides, it does not take much to go from saying "Fine, thanks" to "Fine, thanks. You?"

>>12537

If he doesn't want to talk, he doesn't have to talk. You both get paid, whether he makes chit-chat or not.

The best graphic designer I've ever worked with is practically mute. I only ever get one-word answers out of him, I know literally nothing about his personal life, but I couldn't care less. He does brilliant work incredibly quickly and he never chews my ear off about a half-marathon or little Harriet's school concert or some tedious shit on Facebook. My working life would be a lot easier if more people just did their fucking jobs so we can all go home.

>>12537

He's new, probably a bit nervous and uneasy around new people, while also trying to get his footing in the new job in a new environment.

He'll doubtless never be the chatty type, but I bet after a few weeks he'll have warmed up enough to tell you what he did at the weekend, since you seem so desperate to know.

>>12545
>I bet after a few weeks he'll have warmed up enough to tell you what he did at the weekend, since you seem so desperate to know.

Trying to make a new starter feel welcome? What a right fucking bastard.

Chances are he won't warm up because people will have already written him off by that point and won't try to start a conversation with him anymore.

>>12546
>won't try to start a conversation with him anymore
THE DREAM

>>12543

>It turned out that he has actually been up to things this weekend.

How did you find out?

>>12548
Asked him.

>>12549
Why the fuck would you ask someone what they did at the weekend, on a fucking Wednesday? That's just the most awful insult I could imagine.

>>12541
> I can say "You're right, I don't." which is true, but sounds stupid when I say it.
For fuck's sake, why.
It's a decent answer.

>>12551

I guess their social anxiety makes them hard-wired to feel like everything they say sounds stupid but "You're quiet" is a hell of a conversation-killer. "No I'm not" is a lie and "Ummm, yes" sounds like doubling down on your quietness, like you're doing it to be a jerk rather than feeling that everyone except you got the "How to make conversation" rule book.

>>12550
That was just an example. There's been a more than a few similar instances.

Actually, today was more about explaining to him why it's generally not a good idea to send curt emails to other departments if they haven't provided us with all the information they should have done because it would only get their backs up and these are people he's going to be interacting with frequently so it's an idea to have a good working relationship with them and helping him reword them.

I thought most people in his age bracket who have poor verbal social skills at least could compensate for this somewhat with relatively strong electronic communication skills, thanks to the likes of growing up with MSN Messenger, but apparently not.

>>12538

>at least you've made him aware he's being unsociable.

Like he doesn't know? That's as helpful as saying "don't be shy" and thinking someone can change their whole personality on your request. He doesn't have twelve different witty responses in his head but is choosing not to share them.

>>12553

Have you got an example of how an email was worded and what it was specifically in response to? I can't really gauge how bad they were.

>>12555
I can't remember exactly what it was but it was fairly trivial, just them missing off a minor piece of information we needed from a document.

His email was very blunt and a little bit beyond being matter of fact; it wasn't malicious but it wasn't exactly the kind of thing you'd send to people unless you were trying to rile them up a bit.

>>12553

i gru up wiv MSN n my writin skills r mint

I'm finding it really hard to take a full hour for lunch at the minute. I've spent most of the past four months or so studying for an exam, where I'd spend twenty minutes eating or playing on my phone and the remaining forty reading textbooks.

Now I've got a full hour again it feels like such a long time to fill. At the minute I'm just working through and chalking it up as overtime, but it's starting to make me feel a bit knackered.