|>>|| No. 29985
I’ve been in the habit of checking out of my own life and going along with whatever is happening. I have been turning the tide on that so I’m now in good shape, with good hobbies, and have a decent job that I enjoy. However that’s got me to the point where I now have to confront my relationships, which are pretty bad because I’ve been disingenuous for a long time.
As a result, I am lonely and don’t make much effort with the friends I have or people I know. Over the years I’ve been in the habit of not standing up for myself, of being quiet, and of not expressing how I actually feel. Instead I’ve had an overly agreeable personality and swept any issues under the rug.
This means that my friendships are weird and in order to keep pretending, I end up flaky and unreliable. It’s gotten worse over the years to now where I don’t call or text people and seldom see anyone but my family. Rather than just say what’s wrong, I’ve been an arse and avoided these people or the problem. Maybe it'd magically go away? To acquaintances I likely seem aloof or reserved, which also hinders my chances of being reasonably social. This plays out in my mind a lot, and I end up sad and not doing anything on the internet. I'm currently being asked 'what I did this summer' which you can imagine is thrilling.
Turning it around feels doable, but I am finding it hard just accepting the utter mess that I have made of my social life. I’m curious if you have had experiences like this and how you’ve managed it, or whether there’s something interesting to read on the topic. I had a rough childhood which is the cause for a lot of this. Most of my life has been about survival, so the ideas like 'being honest' and 'if you don't like someone, don't be friends with them' all seem very new.
tl;dr - have you had to grow a pair? What's it like? Is there a book on it?