I thought rather than keeping derailing the mid week thread I would go with my own.
I don’t really know where to begin, so I’ll start with what I posted the other day. My current relationship is pretty great, except I feel my girlfriend is pretty indifferent about sex. She enjoys it, she says, and I make sure she gets off. That said, I think she just isn’t sexual like I am. Sex can feel very mechanic and follows a very similar structure a lot of the time, she’s not the kind of girl that would just grab my parts casually, or engage in sexy talk in the build up.
I’ve talked to her about this in the past and she has gone nuclear every time. I first tried over some dinner one day by saying I felt a bit frustrated and like we weren’t quite connected sexually and she cried, stormed out and said we were breaking up which was bizarre. I’ve brought it up maybe two or three more times and the reactions have been similar, with her saying she just won’t initiate but she’s definitely sexual. A few weeks ago a little drunk at the place we live she basically was a bit sexy for what felt like possibly the first time ever, being seductive whilst dressed up nice, dancing and grinding. When I made a move she rejected me and said it ‘didn’t have to be about sex’. I said she obviously doesn’t have to have sex with me but a night of drinking, grinding on me, exposing bits of herself and other stuff did make me feel I was being given some signals. I explained I just find it strange she wouldn’t perceive the possibility I might get an idea about where the night was going. She called me, drunkenly, some hurtful things and said she just isn’t going to initiate and she has a good job so I should be grateful and if I don’t like her not discussing these things I should leave.
This felt to me a bit like weapons grade cringe even if a bit drunk. I find her successful career appealing but I couldn’t give a fuck whether she worked in my local shop or was a Facebook exec as long as I loved her and she was right for me. I couldn’t get the comments out of my head and that’s when I had a conversation a little while ago telling her I think I’m unhappy and I’m thinking about leaving and she cried. I sometimes don’t feel this at all, sometimes quite noticeably. She said it was because of a million reasons and none of which made sense before saying I see her as an English rose but she is actually a sexual person, I just need to ask for what I want. The problem is I don’t even know where to begin. I’ve never had to explain to a girlfriend before what is sexy and what is not, or that I would like oral, or how to give me a handjob. They just got these things and we discussed preferences, but broadly had an idea of what was going on once we got going.
Rewinding a bit -just before we got together a few years ago I had been unceremoniously dumped by somebody who I had no business being upset about. Even more bizarrely I decided to peruse a breakup subreddit so I felt less alone about it to indulge in common experiences and I met a girl randomly through a chat on reddit because she posted a very emotional message that nobody read and I wanted to reach out to her because I felt so sorry for her that nobody read her message. I made an account to wish her well and tell her things would get better. We progressed to talking on Reddit and I ended up being linked to this Instagram page of this girl. I assumed it was a catfish because this girl, who lived some way across the world away, was stunning. This progressed to messaging, calls, video calls and contrary to the risk averse over thinker that is me, I said fuck it, and agreed to meet her somewhere in Europe for a holiday. I told nobody about this because I felt a bit strange that I was meeting somebody I’d only ever met online and started to develop some sort of feelings.
I arrived in an AirBnB in a beautiful European city, waiting for her to arrive from her part of the world the day after. I remember getting to the airport and staring at the arrivals gate filled with dread, scared I’d fallen for some bizarre prank or was about to see somebody that was not this beautiful, charming woman walk out. She messaged me and said ‘got my bag, coming through now’ and then I saw this beautiful girl walk out and I felt like I was living. I could have been Brad Pitt riding a motorbike up a misty mountain at 5am or Thomas Edward Lawrence riding through the desert with a legion of followers behind me. We exchanged a few mumbled words and a quick peck before we headed into the lift where she snogged the face off me, before we got back to where we planned to stay and had lots of enjoyable sex. The rest of the week followed like some sort of cosy dream. Nice meals out, sex, no cares in the world, ice creams on steps of famous monuments as the sun went down, drinking, art museums, trips to the beach. I’d never met somebody who felt like the female me personality wise.
Upon getting back to the UK I kept up contact every single day but weirdly kept it a secret from most people because of some sort of fear of being seen as weird for having somebody so far away from me in the world. A mistake, I now know. She was, to put succinctly, overwhelmingly loving and I could do no wrong. She did come to the UK for about a month, and we had a wonderful time, although some immaturity on my end and stresses of my career meant I didn’t book all the time off I should have and didn’t do the time justice. She parted from the airport and the last I saw her in person was crying as she checked in and I left. We did what we had done for some short years though, message daily, video call, play games together, whatever we could do to bond many miles apart.
I fucked up from this point, I think. My current gf entered the scene, it was convenient because she lived literally around the corner, I didn’t have to Skype at odd times and I didn’t feel I had to hide it. I had a few teary walks wondering what I should do, knowing I eventually had to pick which path I wanted, starting something with the new girl or pursuing what felt like an unrealistic dream with the one far away. I couldn’t cheat on either, so had to make a decision. I let the relationship with the girl from far away crash and burn and she took it quite badly.
The problem is, I felt like part of me disappeared there and I almost let go of my exciting side that lived in the moment. I chose safe. I’ve never felt as alive since, as much like anything was possible, and whilst my current gf is lovely and I deeply, deeply love her, I feel safe. I’m not sure that’s right to feel that about something. I worry about the bored with two kids in suburbia life waiting ahead. I don’t know whether I find my sexual frustrations amplify the shade of my rose tinted glasses by how sexual the girl before was or if there’s something much deeper and general unhappiness. I have a good life in a good city, savings, money to do things, but I just wonder what happens if I just pack it all in and go travelling, perhaps even try and see if I can rekindle something knowing that feeling of adventure exists. Perhaps either way it’s telling me this current situation isn’t right for me or perhaps if I was more satisfied sexually I’d see things differently. I feel very guilty even writing this.
I think about the other girl perhaps more than I should and I’m not sure what that means, other than perhaps suggesting unhappiness.
I did have a dream the other night about my dad. I’m not sure where we were, but he told me that the girl from far away had a new boyfriend but that she wasn’t overwhelmed by her situation and I should reach out if it’s really what I think is right. I don’t know what that dream means or know what anybody could advise me on this ramble, but maybe somebody can give me some of that wonderful insight sometimes occurring here.
It sounds like you're going to regret it if you don't.
The term "chasing the dragon" springs to mind though. There's always the legendary "one who got away".
Goodness me lad, what a yarn. But there are some eerie similarities between your life and mine. I've had a long distance fling with a dream girl who seemed far too good to be true, I've thrown away a girl who loved me to bits because I got restless and I thought the grass looked greener. Some of the bits are in a different order or the other way around but if nothingness, rest assured, I've been where you are and I know how you feel.
You don't have to take my advice, but were I in your shoes right now I'd definitely get rid of the frigid girl you're with now. You know, deep down, that it's just not right, and her reactions when you've tried to bring it up are a big red flag to be honest. Communication and openness is vital in a healthy sexual relationship and she just doesn't sound capable of it. Sure it can be a very sensitive issue but you don't get anywhere with it if you just have a tantrum every time it's brought up.
I said as much in the last thread, but I've just come out of a similar relationship myself. I tried and tried to be as patient and understanding as I could, but ultimately, after three years of it, I had to come to terms with the fact the reason she wasn't putting in more effort for me is that she didn't want to. Whatever she saw in me, whatever part of me she loved and mattered to her, it simply wasn't the kind of love that made her want to nosh on my knob. If I was to stay with her I'd have to come to terms with the fact I would always have to be the one taking the initiative, and getting a response out of her in kind was always going to be like squeezing blood from a stone.
It's like that Meatloaf song. For her, "that" meant "any kind of selfless display of intimacy or affection"; and the fault lies as much on my shoulders for not accepting that about her, as it does on hers for being so sexually one sided in the first place.
Secondly I'd give it a go reconnecting with Too Good To Be True girl. Obviously there's every chance she'll tell you exactly where to shove it, and she'd probably be right to do so, but you never get anything without asking do you?
For me this actually happened the other way around, I'll spare you most of the details but due to some other unfortunate events involving a mutual friend, she popped back up in my Messenger inbox after nearly 6-7 years, and the chemistry hadn't gone anywhere. I'm going to be seeing her next week, and I'd be lying if I didn't say having her come back into the picture wasn't part of the wake up call that prompted me to end the last relationship. The unfortunate part is theres no realistic prospect of us making it into a long term thing; but what the hell. You only live once. I'd be a fool not to take the chance while it's there.
I'm telling you all this because my broader point is that what I realised was something very simple, that deep down I already knew, as you probably do to. But it was just a matter of coming to terms with it. You know you aren't happy, you know what the right thing to do is, the only thing that's stopping you is that where you are now is safe. It's dependable. You have your finances in order, a cozy place to live, you have your routine, and you don't want it disrupted. I'd wager you're the kind of person who likes to carefully plan your moves and not make rash decisions, so you are instinctually averse to something as major as a break up.
In the end though, and again, you don't have to take my advice- In the end I think you know that's what you need to do.
Sounds to me like your current girlfriend is quite toxic, and should probably be chucked if she continues.
The long-distance girl might be a foregone conclusion, but there's no harm in throwing her a message and seeing how she responds. The worst that can happen is that she tells you to get lost, and you're exactly where you are now. But you would have more clarity about your situation and wouldn't be playing what-if in your head for years to come.
>>32017 OP here. If it's of interest I will provide an update, can't promise it will be of the same or similar quality, but appreciate your kind words. It just dawned on me this was well over a year ago too, wow.
So how do I continue? Well if you want the short answer, I'm still with the girl I wrote this post about. There was no mad reconnection elsewhere, no Walter Mitty moment where I ran out of the office mid afternoon and boarded a flight and no complete flip, but things have picked up significantly.
I continued for a while dreaming, and thinking, and wondering about my situation. As I let one possibility go, I was able to become more committed to the other. I continued to keep raising my issue, and was told that some of the reluctance came from some of the issues with me, and her not wanting to make the effort as she felt I didn't in other areas. I realised that there was a lot of work for me to do, and this produced dividends and she started putting in work the other way. I unfortunately went through and still am going through some sort of weird extremely anxious period of my life and she couldn't have been better. I still have days when I think about what I wrote originally, sometimes I look at my meagre savings and think I can have my run away moment but it's not likely at this moment, who knows though? I might get fired and dumped next month and have to give it a go.
I did check the on the other girl a few months ago, but she looks like she's happy in her new relationship and has been for a while. I guess all that's left for me is to try and let my dreams go somewhat and wish her a happy life.
Booo, rubbish. I'm going to headcanon that you ran off with the fantasy girl and now live in Jamaica selling coconuts on the beach or something.
Just kidding lad, I'm glad you have resolved it in what sounds like a constructive and character building kind of way.
I sometimes do find myself thinking if the best thing about dreams is precisely that they are dreams- The "what if" is something nice to fantasize about. If the dream became reality, you'd be fantasizing about mundane English lass in mundane English city from the other side of the fence, learning to appreciate the meaning of that saying about grass not always being greener. I am often drawn to the thought that satisfaction, indeed happiness itself, is mostly an illusion- Most things are basically okay, when you really think about it, and the only thing stopping us being content with them is the abstract notion in our heads that there's something better out there. That's what stops us appreciating what we do have.
That's why I find myself still having those nostalgic wanks to all my various exes' nudes, even though they all variously broke my heart, drove me mental, or pushed me away through boredom. Soon as I can't have them any more they become desirable again. Such is the way nature of man.
