I attended my first showing of Rocky Horror this evening. I had pussied out earlier last week and paid for it with days of disappointment and deflated mood. I had to stop myself from fantasising about ☆ what might happen ☆ by creating a very clear set of expectations. It turned out that tonight I had a whole row to myself, alone, in an otherwise well attended theatre.
The atmosphere was much less involved than I was expecting (no rice), though there was a continuous murmur of energy to peak on. I let out a line to my favourite songs (Mine being Frankenstein's Place most of Franks - we have the same range), as did some others backed by a general murmur. Some people danced for (you guessed it) Time Warp. I got a little connection in responding to a few outbursts, and think someone responded to mine, which was nice.
The most brilliant thing is that for once I wasn't ashamed to be viewing erotic scenes. No need to avert my eyes, leave the room or close the curtains.
There was one person dressed to the nines - I gave them a gesture on the way out but in hindsight it was a bit creepy. I dressed well enough but a part of my look was unfortunately seedy - not full porno theatre but there was some canvas.
Leaving the theatre was the worst part. Realising again that "uh, now I go home?" drained some mood. Small uplift thinking "Well I can tell Britfa.gs about it" followed quickly by a deeper trough thinking "Well I can tell Britfa.gs about it". I'm fucking lonely.
But man I'm jelous seeing all of these vibrant people, some of them youthful! I could have been gorgeous, too. I get that everyone is beautiful in their own way and that I'm not ugly, but .. 20 fucking years, man. It feels like I should cry never saying never.
I have to appreciate that my life is a sincere expression of myself, even in its suppression. I believe I'm picking up progress from my teenage years and that I just have to get over my training of doubt and its associated fallout. I have practiced looking like a troll to avoid confronting this shit - I can star practicing skin care, now, too.
I can begin to understand why 'you'll never be a woman' could be so hurtful. And suicide too, though I think I can stave off those thoughts now. I had been thinking about thrashing my hands but I'm unsure if it's connected.
There's missing context here but I can't figure out how to relay it;
I recognised one person with whom I've previously interacted. I'll go to them soon and mention "Saw you at the cinema the other night" and see what happens.
I just cant get over the idea that instead of the youthful, beautiful people who're exploring what I should have around their age, I'm purposed instead to interact with the visibly diseased, weird and/or frail. That must make me an awful person, knowing I'd rather interact with the vibrant crowd. But I'm always going to be an outsider with either.
There was a middle age bracket present but they're so advanced of me that it's embarrassing and shameful to even think of approaching them.
Well, I dunno mate, I've moved in some strange circles and I'd still feel a bit odd attending that sort of thing. So you were braver than me to give it a go.
I feel like it's a very, very specific cultural demographic there, that I've never really crossed into, so I would automatically feel out of place and anxious. Is it just like, normal people going for a laugh and some fancy dress? Is it sort of like a racy panto? Is it more ambiguously LGBT BDSM type folk? What's the angle? How ironic/tongue-in-cheek is it all? What's the deal? With that in mind, I really wouldn't be hard on yourself that it gave you mixed feelings. You went and you did it. You pushed out of the comfort zone and have something to talk about. Think how many people just sat inside scrolling on their phone instead.
I think its pretty common that when you have become socially isolated, experiencing some significant stimulation will set your mind racing and it can throw you off balance for a bit. Bit like if you haven't had a drink in a while, the first pint can catch you off guard and get you surprisingly tipsy.
>>33851 >Is it just like, normal people going for a laugh and some fancy dress?
>What's the deal?
I don't really know what it is, I've been avoiding it a while. Your descriptors fit well to my understanding. It's definitely more BDSM/Alternative than LGBT, but there's crossover.
The film itself is mostly crossdressing, sexuality and shock horror, with some really nice themes in its music (it probably means little to those uh .. 'uninitiated').
>socially isolated, experiencing some significant stimulation will set your mind racing and it can throw you off balance for a bit
What part specifically showed me to be socially isolated, other than the lonely comment?
But yeah, you've helped me reaslise that my mind has been racing all weekend on this. It's been a shock to my system, now I can regain composure.
I'll tell you what, I overheard there were much more costumes and audience participation the night I missed. That would have been an experience, probably severely overstimulating, but fuck it would have been powerful. Tonight wasn't challenging enough, next time I'll wear some light eyeliner.
In the mean time I'm gonna have to visit a drag show. I feel that I need to hurt inorder to grow.
>How ironic/tongue-in-cheek is it all?
I'm coming to learn that life itself is tongue in cheek. See pictured, lol. Have you really not seen any of Rocky Horror? It's said you know a person by which film they can name Tim Curry from.
>you were braver than me to give it a go.
Funnily enough I appreciate your saying so. Thank you 🙏
Is this a cry for help that you wish you run away and joined the queer circus? Because it's never too late to if that's what you want. Because it sounds like you've tasted blood and want more more more more.
You give me the vibe of someone who has never found peers to reinforce the lifestyle you want to be involved in. All I can say is change isn't for the weak of heart maybe you'll luck out and find easy acceptance. Maybe you'll find an up hill struggle. But I wish you well either way if you plan to explore this deeper.
I have seen Rocky Horror, of course. I like a few of the songs from it. I'm comfortable enough in my sexuality to admit that Tim Curry looks shockingly good in a corset. But that's quite a different thing to understanding the whole "scene" around it, you know?
I've been to kink clubs, I've hung around with other furries in their daft suits, I am not a closed minded type- But it would be a new thing to me all the same. I was largely saying all that to explain where my particular kind of social anxiety stems from, this idea of not knowing if I would be on the same page as everyone else there, if you know what I mean. It's that which often stops me taking a step into the unknown and trying things.
So yeah, what you did was worthy of giving yourself a pat on the back for, all I'm saying.
>You give me the vibe of someone who has never found peers to reinforce the lifestyle you want to be involved in.
Quite the astute observation. Making new friends is hard enough in the middle stages of life, nevermind new friends in an entirely new social milieu. I think transvestitelad is on the right track by the sounds though.
So, affirmations. A year from now;
•I will not be unrecognisable to myself.
•I will have a greater social circle than current and perhaps a friend or two to share risque chatter.
Thanks for your responses, I'll hope to keep this thread as a catchup on any interesting experiences I think you'll might like to hear.
>>33853 Cheeky :D
>someone who has never found peers to reinforce the lifestyle
I'm particularly concerned by the idea of this. It puts me in mind of echo chambers and digging oneself into a hole.
But I suppose it's what people do, right? It's entirely normal and probably evolutionarily beneficial to homogenise with a community.
How do you stop losing yourself, if a person should even want to? Is there a point of no return?
There is an undisclosed elephant however, in that I've started smoking ganj 'medically' again - not a lot, but it is regular and occasionally abused. That has greatly ignited a desire to socialise as myself, and to play and explore in many aspects of my life.
Do either of you think this changes anything? It feels genuine and I can trace my interest back further than I knew drugs existed.
>>33854 >I'm comfortable enough in my sexuality to admit that Tim Curry looks shockingly good in a corset
I know, right? This is the first time I've watched him and actually thought "yeah, I could enjoy that". It was always Janet and Columbia as a kid, but now it's Magenta and Freddie >:D
I'm fucking changing, man, and it's scary and exhilarating at the same time - do excuse the cliche.
I guess I'm coming out to myself or some shit, but it doesn't feel bad or shameful anymore.
It puts me in mind of that Prometheus Rising chapter on The Anal Emotional-Territorial Circuit.
Have you considered taking up a hobby? I hear that a theatre group is a great way to make friends but other stuff can also be rewarding. I must admit that I've also been exploring my more creative side this year and trying to build a different circle but mine has focused in on art classes with the side benefit of working with my hands and learning to express myself.
It would be nice to have a proper irl friend-circle but I suspect that I might just be middle-aged and hankering for something I never properly had outside of drugs. I'd offer to grab a pint some time but I don't want to break what we have here.
Yeah, I feel more able than ever to actually start doing something socially. I've wanted to try improv for years - think it'll be good for roleplay - and have an unexplored love for theatre (particularly all the woodwork, it's incredible). There's bound to be something happening, I often see production posters in windows.
There's also a strong possibility of a local D&D club that I reckon might actually feel comfortable now.
I stopped myself going off about what it was like in art class, Long story I got an E (hahahaha) with an unnamed trophy for trying, no shit. Needless to say practice has become an enjoayble experience, again.
>>33855 >I'm particularly concerned by the idea of this. It puts me in mind of echo chambers and digging oneself into a hole.
I'm not trying to make you lose your identity, and I don't think you would.
I just think that your orginal post gave the vibe that you felt like and outsider. Like you are peering into the window wishing you were inside. And all you really need to be an insider is someone to talk with like you are part of the scene and feeling like your positionis valid as opposed to identifying yourself as an imposter.
I get the feel from your response though that there is a sense of control of yourself and your identity that you feel you need to manage. Paticularly the concern of what if this is false because of drugs. To which my response would be; so fucking what? All the drugs are doing is stimulating neurons in your head the personality and identity and tastes are your own. Are you having a good time? Then just ride that wave and don't overthink it.
To give you a bit of my personalfeelings. I've always identified myself as something of a tourists in these scenes not because I feel like an impostor, or I feel like an outsider, but because I don't feel like I need it. I can indulge as deep as I want and say that was pleasant but I don't have a desire to feel external validation. The joke of this is that I have friends who are closeted furries that I will happily be more of the scene than them, because I have no hang ups about what it means if I am mislabelled as that or labeled as not that. The argument I make to people regularly when they have hang ups over something is "it could be wonderful".
>>33858 I've read your post a number of times now and appreciate your typing, but all of this is a dream away now, I'm struggling to understand it. It was all so clear for a weekend.
I can't tell if this of your posts has influenced my attitude or not - I mean than inoffensively - it's just that I can see a clear avenue for further activity, a part of me wants it crazily while another says 'alot of effort'. Then there's a lot of strange shit coming up about struggling to remember basement rooms of my childhood and wanting to religiously brand myself and it's becoming a bit overbearing.
I have a craft and social project I'd like to do intime for this date next year, which will keep my occupied and practising skills I want to learn but were always afraid to, so all can be good :)
I went to chat with that person I recognised from the cinema, who I've come to privately consider 'The Witch' (sorry, but they fit an archetype from my childhood) - it went very well for a familiar strangers greeting, they tripped over themselves to help me on hearing we have a mutual interest and I even managed to blag some back of shop stock. I imagine it'd be very easy to invite them for a tea somewhere and generally fast track a relationship. I'm hoping they're into theatre and might like to show me their cosmetics.
I also met a large, soft, hill orc woman - She stands as a triangular monolith, it's incredible. She seemed willing to talk to me initially but expressed surprise at my interaction with the Witch. There was a lot of dead air that I didn't push for interaction.
I have felt rather confused about meeting this woman as she's the very comfortable looking type that I'm attracted too, but I can't incorporate that into other parts of my budding identity. Most people aren't into polyamory, are they? I can imagine no other option in perusing multiple sexual partners other than lying which I don't want to practice. I suppose it'd be useful to seperate flirting and sex from my desire to make friends.
I did almost have a panic attack at a home decor shop when I accidentally walked through a mirror aisle - if you don't mind me elaborating a while, I've long had some unidentified issue with mirrors and would regularly avoid eye contact within them, at some points even turning home mirrors toward the wall for weeks at a time. While rearranging my home I quite innocuously turned a mirror away from myself, only for the significance to hit me hard when I noticed it the next day.
I know this is unusual but I'm going to buy a nice candle today and force myself to perform 'mirror magic' tonight, at the new crafting and vanity desk I've arranged. If anybody has ideas or resources on this I'm eager to hear about them. I did have a vision of blood and blades, which might make an evokative image, but have realised the risk is literally a knifes edge - so yeah; no.
I have been burning my palms a bit, which I did want to talk about (particularly interactions with family) but this post is meandering at length.
I'm probably not LGBT, preferring to think 'I'm just me' (yeah that old chestnut) but I definitely like some stuff and feel quite comfortable around the alternative types of people I've been meeting lately. But then again I haven't fucked my ass all week and the colour in my perception is starting to seep away. I'll get back to it after the mirror performance, which I anticipate will recharge myself to bursting.
Oh, and I was absolutely abusing the gange last week. The only reason I went to chat with the person is because I wasn't high. I've since cut right down and I'm not getting such intense spikes of negative self reflection. Thanks for ignoring my bollocks.
I went to a showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show once in the mid-90s when that sort of thing was still seen as a bit dodgy. It was at an old cinema that had been converted into a dance club, and they still had the screen and the projector for occasional uses like this. Seeing a bunch of lads around me in drag and wigs having a ball was kind of a culture shock, but we went with it to the best of our ability. It seemed like this was their outlet for whatever it was that made them enjoy wearing women's clothing, whether it was a fetish or what would only in later years become known as gender identity issues. So, fair enough.
I remember one lad went through the entrance in an ankle long overcoat, who seemed a bit eager not to be seen by anybody outside in the street, and it turned out underneath he was wearing a complete kit of women's lingerie. Nowadays, somebody like that would probably be wearing his lingerie proudly out in the open all the way from his home and on the bus.
That's the thing about the 90s. People think it was kind of a loose, hedonistic free for all. And to some extent, it was. And I'm glad that I was in my teen years at that time. Things became far more prudish again in following decades. But I guess being non-heteronormative was still not included in that free for all. I remember one of our teachers in secondary school was really very obviously closet gay, to the point that one of my mates actually asked him to his face once and our teacher was visibly breaking a cold sweat and stammering something like, what gave you that idea. Being outed in a position where you made your living being around teenagers the whole day could have been career ending at the time, if you had enough narrow minded parents to pursue it. So everybody left it at that, because very generally, he was well liked, and the unspoken agreement at school was to let sleeping dogs lie.
>>33850 As osmebody who at almost 40 has suddenly realised that I can just..enjoy being me a bit, and wear the weird pink sparkly stuff if I decide, I feel so much of this. I wish I had been confident enough to be this person when I was able to be happy with myself for doing it.
