I bought one of these for the first time today, how strange. Will report back when eaten.

These are fucking rank m8. Bought one once, nearly puked. Never buying again.

I think Dr Oetker is a stupid name. For a pizza, I want an Italian sounding name: Signor Farinacelli di Vinci's finest oven pizza. Dr Oetker sounds like a name for some kind of horrible dry oat cake - something for old people, found in the chemist's , or in a special old person aisle at the supermarket.

>>10694

The box claims to contain an "authentic Italian restaurant taste". Could any well-traveled lads confirm that there exists a proliferation of eateries specializing in soggy-cardboard-with-a-topping-of-walrus-spunk on the peninsula?

>>10694
Compared to what? I've not found a better frozen pizza. It's better than even some of the fancier delivered pizzas I've had.

Not very filling, but tasty.

>>10697

>It's better than even some of the fancier delivered pizzas I've had.

Where do you live? Kabul?

>>10698
London.

>>10699

Afghanistan's second city, then.

>>10700

Go to bed Nigel.

>>10701

Do you have beds in that shithole? I thought you all slept in doorways.

>>10696

Real Italian pizza's are square.

>>10697

I'd agree with you there. I've only tried the mozzarella and vegetable ones but they are very tasty. Bought a seafood one because I figure if there's a pizza with shellfish on that won't a) taste like shit and b) give me the shits results pending, it will probably be this brand. Consistent quality.

I cooked a pizza earlier that was just fucking awful. Spent ages looking at all the one's in the local supermarket and went for this one based purely on the picture on the box and that it was stuffed crust.

The stuffed crust meant there was too much dough so some of it was shitting raw. I don't know what cheese they used but I'm in France so cheddar is never going to be present, they almost all taste like arsepiss.

Then, the final stabs to my nut sack, with this X inch disappointment, was the fact that at least one inch was missing from the entire pizza. Oh sure, let's stick it in a larger box because cardboard costs less than actual food stuff.

What kind of stuff crust let down was this you are wondering? Pepperoni. The box displayed a lavish smothering of thin meat slices carefully laid about. How many pieces were on the actual pizza? One. One! One fuckling slice, cock suckling mother fuckers. What evil sociopathic prick is sitting in some corporate office, green lighting these god damn pizzas!?

I started laughing when I took it out the box, if my phone had a camera I'd have taken a picture. It should have been a warning sign for the giant dump it was about to take on my taste buds.

The worst part is, I bought 2 of the blasted things in case someone else ate it before I could. I'm honestly tempted to take the second one out the box, take a photo and frisbee it into the nearby woods.

It was my only cunting meal today too.

Yeh, I'll have a Ristorante please.

>>10704
>went for this one based purely on the picture on the box and that it was stuffed crust.
I (drunkenly) ordered one of Pizza Huts burger crusts. Possibly the most disgusting thing I've had supplied to me as "food" in decades. I don't want to dig into my memories of the thing in any reasonable detail but please, if anyone reading this is as dumb as me, don't be tempted. It's just sickening.
I don't understand how pizza hut manage to survive, the two times I've ordered anything from them in the past 16 years it was terrible, barely edible at all. I'd rather eat those smiley face potato things.

>>10705

I just googled it fucking hell m8...

>>10706

That unwashed phimosis looks more edible than what I received. At least the toppings cover the edges.

>>10706
That doesn't look bad to be honest...

>>10705
>I don't understand how pizza hut manage to survive

They're the first "restaurant" anyone goes to. They exist on the back of 15/16 year olds going for their first date.

>>10706
I picked up a burger crust pizza at my local tesco as it was on the cheap. Without the price drop you could have had bought 3 regular oven pizzas.

Now pizzas in their natural habitat are very greasy but I've never had a pizza this greasy. It tasted alright but burger patties on a pizza crust is pure indulgence and completely unnecessary. Stuffed crust makes sense, share and tear cheese bites too but the burger crust is simply too much. Though I am surprised it caught on quicker than the layer pizza thing.

>>10706 I have to agree with >>10709 in saying that it doesn't look so bad. Pizza Hut stuff is just average in my experience. Although a friend once insisted on their "Seafood Pizza" or something like that and it tasted like hot vinegar and old semen if memory serves. Anyway, I have terrible memories of Pizza Hut for another reason, but that's a story for another time, another place, another thread...

P.S. I'd rather clean the kitchen of a Pizza Hut with my tongue than eat a Domino's pizza. Greasier than Joffrey's cunt those things.

>>10699

There are eight (edited because I said three originally, I'm getting old) Franco Mancas in London. Their pizzas are considered the best in London and are better than anything I ate in Rome. They also level out at roughly £7 each. Get yourself a clue, lad.

Pizza Cake.

Where's your God now?

>>10715

This would probably kill me.

I'm lactose intolerant, I get acid reflux and I have IBS. The cheese would give me diarrhoea, the pepperoni would give me heartburn and the grease would aggravate my IBS giving me double diarrhoea.

All they would find is a dried out husk by the toilet.

>>10705>>10706
I'm sure there's pictures of it in another /nom/ thread, possibly the Nando's one.

Anyway, the best ready pizza you can buy is Co-ops Truly Irresistible mushroom one but it's relatively expensive so I usually pop to Heron and get the big Chicago Town takeaway ones at £1.50 a pop.

I've always wanted to try a Chicago-style pizza pie.

The spinach or vegetarian one so I can squint my eyes and imagine I'm one of those healthy functional adults that you imagine other people to be rather than a fat fuck who can't be bothered to cook.

I usually avoid Dr Oetker though, if you look at the traffic lights on the side its all red with scary figures like 80% of the saturated fat which is surprising considering its competitors manage to stay in the yellow. I mean its a thin pizza so it has no right to kill me.

>>10715
That's clearly a pie.

>>10719

>if you look at the traffic lights on the side its all red with scary figures like 80% of the saturated fat which is surprising considering its competitors manage to stay in the yellow.

Check the small print. Those traffic lights are based on serving size, which is often woefully unrepresentative of how people actually eat. For pizzas, this is usually a half (or less) of the pizza, based on the fiction that most pizzas will be shared. Packets of crisps often use this trick, as do most 500ml bottles of soft drink.

My condolences for all the bad memories.

On a postive note, if you're in Sweden get yourself one of these bastards. Kebab pizza is undoubtedly the best marriage of two shit foods. The restuarant version come with two kebab sauces, garlic and spicey. The pickled peppers give delicious bursts of vinegar and spiciness. The meat is probably halal and therefore not great, so don't have too high expectations.

As for the worst, in recent times, I'd have to say Domino's. I strongly believe that quality differs from place to place, but in my once student populated area, you'd have the surliest, rudest, cuntish cunts at the till, followed by a line of apathetic pizza assemblers. When you finally sit through what seems like ages, you walk home, excitedly get everything ready. Open the drinks, get some napkins, plates, etc. Open the box, and what greats you is a doughy pile of shite.

>>10722
>When you finally sit through what seems like ages, you walk home

At uni one of my friends lived opposite a Dominos and he'd regularly order pizzas online because it was actually cheaper than just crossing the road.

>>10723
>he'd regularly order pizzas online
I doubt it.

>>10726
Two for Tuesday each week is 'regular' by anyone's reckoning.

>>10722
How is Halal meat shittier than normal meat? Do ARE Muslamics do funny things to it to make it taste bad?

Also, who eats pizza on plates?

>>10726

Am I looking at what I think I'm looking at? If so I think this just became an intervention thread.

>>10726
Why? Just... Why?

>>10726

Two a day I can maybe understand but three and four? Fucking hell.

>>10728
Not really, I just avoid it seeing as the meat preparation practices are barbaric and nonsensical. As with most of their traditions. Applies to kosher as well.

I eat pizza on plates when I feel like to share with friends and I don't want crumbs and shite on my floor.

>>10733
>I just avoid it seeing as the meat preparation practices are barbaric and nonsensical
Because obviously inflicting brain damage is in no way barbaric.

>>10731i
You didn't read the statement correctly. The dates on the left are when the payments were processed. The dates in the middle column are when the orders were made.

>>10729
It was three years ago. I still don't cook for myself but my eating is at least slightly more varied. I don't even particularly disagree with the above poster who complained about the taste at PH, not now and not back then. Sometimes it really is borderline inedible.

No, lads. We're not doing the halal debate again.

I used to eat a ton of oven pizzas, but you should seriously consider learning how to make your own (That doesn't mean buying a pre-made pizza base). It's so worth it.

I'm terrible in the kitchen, but really - it takes just a bit of time and so little effort to start making your own pizzas. In my opinion they are far far tastier than oven or low-tier takeaway pizzas. Plus it feels amazing to eat something you made. They certainly cost much less to make than a takeaway.

The ingredients are a piece of piss too - we can all top pizzas fine with our own custom stuff (Dolmio Classic/Mushroom is quite a nice sauce for it) to make the style we want, but the base is only flour water and yeast fer christsake.

The only downside is time - it takes maybe 40-50 minutes to prepare and 15 to cook. Definitely worth trying a few times. I haven't gone back at least.

>>10735
Stunning an animal, causing it to feel no pain in an instant is far better than letting it bleed to death, in a filthy basement.

Anyway, lets not start this cunt-off.

>>10739
>lets not start this cunt-off.

Should've probably refrained entirely from responding then, eh Skip?

>>10739
>Stunning an animal, causing it to feel no pain in an instant is far better than letting it bleed to death, in a filthy basement.
Not the other guy, but not only are you wrong, you're not even correctly characterising what happens in an abattoir.

As the guy above says, if you don't want a cunt-off you have a funny way of showing it.

>>10740
LALALALALA, CAN'T HEAR YOU.....

>>10739

All meat in the UK requires it be stunned before being slaughtered, the only difference is Halal butchers use an electrode to knock the animal unconscious rather than a bolt to the brain before slitting its throat.

Halal butchers won't slaughter an animal in poor condition either, so the meat is more trustworthy.

Educate yourself, lad.

>>10738

I've been lucky enough to have had freshly-made pizza dough pizza made for it. Even the tomato sauce was tarted up with wine and sugar. It was brilliant. The only problem is that unless you know what you're doing you end up with a ton of left over dough, which will apparently just keep on growing forever like some kind of flour and yeast based triffid unless you use it all up. I ended up making a bunch of rosemary and garlic flatbread loaf-type things with what I had left over. No one can eat that much pizza. >>10726 excepted, of course.

>>10743

We've had this discussion recently. Please let's not do it all again. Please please please. I don't think that what's left of my tiny little brain can take it.

>>10745
The result of not repeating the discussion would be much easier to achieve if misinformed idiots didn't keep parroting the HURRR MUZZIES CROOL nonsense under the guise of not wanting an argument.

>>10745
You haven't lived until you've had a huge Neapolitan pizza made by a guild-certified geezer for 3 euro, it is the motherfucking shit.

>>10746

I whole-heartedly agree, we should defend and facilitate MUH MUZZIES' "cultural rights" no matter what. If animal cruelty, oppressing females, killing infidels, and indoctrinating children into following the ramblings of a magic pedophile from ancient times is all part of your "culture", I say "go ahead sir".

After-all, it wasn't so long a go that those sniveling, evil Christians were doing the same sort of thing.

>>10748
Thanks Nick.

>>10749

Guess I'm just a better Liberal than you.

(A good day to you Sir!)

>>10748

I don't know about elsewhere, but as stated previously UK I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT SHORT AND STOUT, HERE IS MY HANDLE HERE IS MY SPOUT! WHEN I GET ALL STEAMED UP HEAR ME SHOUT, TIP ME UP AND POUR ME OUT! I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT SHORT AND STOUT, HERE IS MY HANDLE HERE IS MY SPOUT! WHEN I GET ALL STEAMED UP HEAR ME SHOUT, TIP ME UP AND POUR ME OUT! I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT SHORT AND STOUT, HERE IS MY HANDLE HERE IS MY SPOUT! WHEN I GET ALL STEAMED UP HEAR ME SHOUT, TIP ME UP AND POUR ME OUT! I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT SHORT AND STOUT, HERE IS MY HANDLE HERE IS MY SPOUT! QQQQ meat is arguably more humanely killed than the traditional method because of the law forcing a rethink by imams on how to stay within the guidlines set out by the quran and follow the letter of the law, birthing an arguably more humane stunning process which was the problem people had with I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT SHORT AND STOUT, HERE IS MY HANDLE HERE IS MY SPOUT! WHEN I GET ALL STEAMED UP HEAR ME SHOUT, TIP ME UP AND POUR ME OUT! I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT SHORT AND STOUT, HERE IS MY HANDLE HERE IS MY SPOUT! WHEN I GET ALL STEAMED UP HEAR ME SHOUT, TIP ME UP AND POUR ME OUT! I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT SHORT AND STOUT, HERE IS MY HANDLE HERE IS MY SPOUT! WHEN I GET ALL STEAMED UP HEAR ME SHOUT, TIP ME UP AND POUR ME OUT! I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT SHORT AND STOUT, HERE IS MY HANDLE HERE IS MY SPOUT! QQQQ.

The killing is done the same way, regardless.

You are comparing apples and apples. If one is barbaric, so is the other.

Stop dicking around with unfunny filters. Like Karl Pilkington, it's not big and it's not clever.

>>10752
It is quite clever because it stops dreary and uninteresting topics spamming unrelated threads with minimal effort from the mods.

>>10753
It would be clever if it were funny.

>>10754
I'd previously agreed with you, until I'm A Little Teapot.

Still, a joke shouldn't have to take a dozen iterations until it lands by chance on a spark of humour.

Picture beautifully related.

All this because of that one bigoted cunt.

>>10752
Don't you dare insult ARE KARL matey.

>>10757

Just because I don't like Pizza Hut doesn't make me a bigot, you cheeky cock.

>>10722
My local cheapo pizza/kebab/chippy takeaway does kebab meat pizzas. They're quite nice for 6 quid for a 14" large pizza, they're not something I'll eat all that regularly though since the box is generally covered in grease.

On the basis of this thread I went and bought a Funghi Ristorante pizza for dinner.

Come waste of £3.19. The base was the flavour and texture of reconstituted cardboard, the sauce was spread across the dough as thinly as a prostitute's virtue and managed to be both too salty and too sweet at the same time, and the width of the thing was barely the spread of my hand.

I could've gotten a better dinner for a good £1 cheaper if I'd just stuck with Co-Op's own-brand. They had a spicy Mexican one in that looked nice. I really wish I'd gotten that.

OP you either have no taste or such poor culinary experience you think this German bollocks is in any way a worthwhile prize for £3 of your hard-earned pounds. I only hope for both our sakes and yours that you're educated on your folly soon.

>>10758

Second.

>>10761
I'm not sure I've tried Co-op own brand pizza. I'm on a bit of a mushroom trip lately (not that sort) but perhaps that's influenced my opinion. Also I generally don't buy this brand of pizza unless they're on a 2-for-reduced price special.

This is the absolute best frozen pizza I've ever tried. Also one of the most expensive however, but still considerably less so than getting an actual takeaway.

If these are not on offer though, Co-op pizzas refrigerated pizzas are great too. Sainsbury's are ok as well and they'll even cook it for you in some places for a bit extra. Generally not really a fan of other brands frozen pizzas though.

>>10765
I second the Chicago Town, but not only is it expensive, it's slightly too big for me to eat a whole one so I feel even worse about spending so much on it.

>>10766
Save leftover pizza for breakfast?

>>10765
>>10766
They lost me after they discontinued the New Yorker. The BBQ Sizzler just isn't the same.

>>10765

The chicken and pepper with BBQ sauce was better. I don't think they make it any more though..

>>10766
>slightly too big

u wot m8? If they were 16" in diameter and I had an oven to accomodate it I'd happily munch the whole thing. Alas only Herbies knows hows to sate my true pizza hunger.

Chicago Town Miami Meaty I recall being pretty decent. I tend not to go for frozen these days - usually Tesco have a deal on the refrigerated ones, which are much quicker to cook. The "Italian-style" ones are usually alright for a bit of a snack. I like to roll them into a fajita/calzone thing.

After much searching, I've found you can't do better than buying the Co-op value 9 inch pizzas, which cost 60ish pence each. Get mozzarella slices and grated mozzarella reduced as well as some reduced mushrooms.

If done right it costs less than a fiver for 4 pizzas plus ingredients and you are set for days.

>>10722
mate you don't need to be in sweden to try that.

i ask for lamb kebab on my pizza wherever I am, they always do it.

>>10773
Will try it out.

>>10766
I can never finish shop-bought pizzas. I'm a fat fuck, too. I don't know how people can pack it away, I'm usually done after half, they're so greasy and rich. The rest goes in the fridge for the next day.

>managed to be both too salty and too sweet at the same time
This drives me crazy. So much junk food these days is fucking sweet. Who likes this? Who asked for it?

>>10775
>Who likes this? Who asked for it?
Americans. You've not lived until you've seen a Yank sprinkle sugar on a sausage.

>>10776

I hate the yanks just as much as the next man, but surely that's just one of those untrue stereotypes like "the brits have bad teeth" and "the russians are all alcoholics."

Please don't tell me you've actually seen it happen. Please.

>>10777
Would that it were, lad, would that it were.

>>10777

>>10777
I read that they add sugar to baked beans and, in some places, if you don't go to a specialist health shop your milk will have added sugar.

>>10780

Slightly unrelated but I was served syrup with a superfood omelet while in the states recently. "Syrup/sugar on everything" seems to actually be a thing in some places there, at least at breakfast time.

https://www.youtube.com/v/31JNEVHZxO8

>>10777
No, it's a real thing. TBH though when I visited the sweetness of their food was not generally a problem (just don't add syrup if you don't want it) but I did find it difficult to get bread that wasn't obnoxiously sweet.

The portion sizes are nuts, too. It's actually quite impressive that the average American isn't a great deal heavier.

They don't even have real sugar.

>>10779

This looks delicious.

>>10785

The I was going to make a clever post about how their sugar, as in actual glucose, is made out of corn but that hit a little too close to the truth and now I feel sad.

>>10783
>"We planned to top the pizzas with actual garbage but by judging to our findings people will probably eat those too"

>"Dr Mores said he had initially had moral issues with conducting the tests on humans but has since come to see the subjects as 'cheese and sauce consuming beasts' "

>"In international news; the equivalent of 5 americans were killed in Afghanistan today"

At first I thought it was an advertisement for Dominoes until I noticed 'The Onion' logo. I'd forgotten about that site.

You either end up with undercooked pizza or burnt Quorn.

>>12994

At least the "meat" on this isn't going to be a load of barbecue-flavoured floor sweepings with seams of Transglutaminase. That shit is enough to make a bloke go veggie.