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>> No. 2130 Anonymous
31st March 2010
Wednesday 11:01 am
2130 Alcoholics
Are there any 'resting actors' out there?

I'm back up to about a litre of whisky a day again. :(
252 posts omitted. Last 50 posts shown. Expand all images.
>> No. 8072 Anonymous
22nd February 2018
Thursday 1:16 am
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Been there, with a few personas. That subreddit is great and I will never disavow it. It teaches you that you are not alone, not unique, not special. And that is great! Does't help you stop. mind.
>> No. 8073 Anonymous
1st March 2018
Thursday 11:32 am
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Naltrexone is really good for alcohol it takes away the power of the thought of drinking, so to speak. It feels like there is no craving. Then in a few days there are no thoughts of drinking
>> No. 8074 Anonymous
1st March 2018
Thursday 1:06 pm
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>> No. 8075 Anonymous
15th March 2018
Thursday 3:50 am
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What fuckery is this? Four years to the actual day. Can it be a coincidence or have my thoughts been drawn to this post by some kind of Stanislav-Grof-ian imperative?

When I first wrote this post I'll admit it was all glibness, gallows humour, "yes one day we're all going to die, ha ha". And hey, we may all know it but we rarely truly accept it, and like I may have known that I was technically an addict I never thought I'd be here where I am now, four years later.

So here I am again, at the place where I always end up; at the addicts' crossroads. Do or not do, do or die, sink or swim, go around again, the cycle spins and lands on ...

Way back when, when I was young and Brian Molko was at the peak of his abilities, man he could throw a lyric together. I still remember putting the actual physical CD of Placebo's debut album into my top-loading double cassette Hi-Fi system (from Argos, natch) and hearing for the first time: " Glass of petrol, vodka, gin / It feels like breathing methane / Throw yourself from skin to skin / And still it doesn't dull the pain "

To teenage little me it was like a match to touch-paper. I felt electrified. Animated in a way that I still cannot and probably wouldn't explain. He was right, too. Skin is skin and sex is sex but for all that modern popular culture might tell you, you can't really fuck the pain away, or at least not for long. Alcohol though, other drugs, oh yeah they dull the pain alright. For a while longer than casual sex at least. La petite mort, vraiment, est trop petite.

Later, despite the majority of his output being utter tosh, Molko still managed to crank out the odd decent lyric. " Days before you came / Thunderbolts and lightning / Each day a brand new vein / Each tourniquet colliding" from Black Market Music still turns my guts fifteen years later. Ok so maybe it's not exactly high poetry, but it speaks enough about love, and grief, and drugs, and dependence, and how we attempt to fill the void of one with the other. It resonates.

These days of course Molko is a dead talent. Clean from smack, father to a surrogate baby, whining morosely on his latest album about having too many facebook friends. Never doing gigs any more, especially not ones in packed out student union halls where you could almost reach right out and beg the bastard to bum you right there and then, but rather riding the European mega-festival circuit where no one really knows any of the bands on the poster but just go because three days in a field doing pills and being away from your parents is like, cool, right? Right, sure, ok, whatever.

Somewhere just before the fall, amongst an otherwise awful Battle for the sun, Molko had one last sudden final flash of lunatic shrewdness before the darkness closed in and wrote the following for the track "Julien":

" Fallen angels in the night / And every one is barred from Heaven / Just one more hit to make it right / But every one turns into seven "

Never has a truer, simpler, more concise explanation of the mechanism of addiction been given, before or since. Even Billy "Lee" Burroughs in his seminal 1953 work managed, although his book is by far the best (or one of the top two or three) description of and criticism of the treatment of addiction ever written, managed to sum things up in quite such a perfect way.

So here I am again, at the place where I always end up; at the addicts' crossroads. Do or not do, do or die, sink or swim, go around again, the cycle spins and lands on ...

I wake up, I feel like shit. I drink and take enough to feel fixed. To feel alright. But then I feel OK, and hey what will another beer or four hurt, another valium or two, another 2mg alprazolam bar, and then - finally - I feel good again. Then...

I wake up, I feel like shit. I drink and take enough to feel fixed. To feel alright. But then I feel OK, and hey what will another beer or four hurt, another valium or two, another 2mg alprazolam bar, and then...

...here I am again, at the place where I always end up; at the addicts' crossroads. Don't get me wrong, I've been here before. Time and time again. But every time I get here, and the sedative pills call down from their hiding place on the topmost shelf, and the beer calls out from the 24 hour garage, I realise again how much more of my life I've wasted sitting and spinning around and around in this cycle of start/stop/start/stop/start.

So I sit here and I type and I think and I wonder. The pills and the beer call to me, and I think about the guy who started Judo when I was already ten years deep. Got his 1st Dan last year while I'm stuck at the 2nd Kyu I got three years ago. The people who started BJJ with me back in the early 00's, all black belts now while I'm sat spinning my wheels at blue after fifteen fucking years because for every month I train I spend two months sitting sick and depressed in bed, passed out for 18 hours at a time and working for 36 to make up for it.

So here I am again, at the place where I always end up; at the addicts' crossroads. And every time I get back here I've lost a little more time, I've got a little less left to give. A little less fight in me to break the cycle. Thirty-five this time. Literally middle aged. This is it. For as many times as I've crossed this crossroads, gone left, gone right, found myself back at the same damn place again, I feel like this is manifestly the last time. Not the last time, the last chance. I'll find myself here again, maybe, if I'm damned for good.

Tomorrow I have appointments with a psychiatrist (second attempt at a new doctor, I gave up on the first after too many SSRIs) and a psychologist (a fifth (I think) attempt at a second appointment with the same one, who I liked). This is it, the final choice. Make it to those appointments tomorrow, make a change, one day at a time, cry, scream, moan, rip, tear, and fight your way through withdrawals and back into whatever used to be normal twenty years ago or fall forever into the left hand path, the early grave and a life less lived. Forever cycling round the addicts' crossroads.

It should be an easy choice to make. Except those pills and those beers are still calling, and to be honest I don't know if I care enough any more to make a choice either way.
>> No. 8078 Anonymous
21st April 2018
Saturday 5:35 pm
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Last night I blacked out in the front of an Uber and the driver thought it'd be a good idea to wake up my grabbing my wrist instead of shaking my shoulder or knee. Long story short, blacked out as I was, the Judo/BJJ kicked in and a broke his arm in two places. I then fell over 15-20 times between his car and my house. A distance of maybe five yards.

Is this rock bottom yet?
>> No. 8079 Anonymous
21st April 2018
Saturday 5:37 pm
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Did a quick roadside x-ray did you?
>> No. 8080 Anonymous
21st April 2018
Saturday 5:47 pm
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Presumably he's writing this from his cell, unless Uber and their drivers don't press assault charges to people easily identifiable by their app.
>> No. 8081 Anonymous
21st April 2018
Saturday 6:08 pm
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I've been doing judo for 14 years, bjj for 13. I know what sound a bone makes whet it breaks I also know what a dislocating elbow capsule, and a spiral metacarpal fracture sound and feel like.

All he has on my uber profile is a fake name and a registered credit card issues by a bank in a different country. We may also have been using my wife's uber account. In which case good luck.

I may or may not hear from th popo but it's his word against mine, chances are he's got a criminal record (most uber drivers here do, they don't get a job because they have criminal records longer than my arm) and anyway I'm pally with the cops because I do a lot of Judo and BJJ with them.

Worst case scenario and he can prove I assaulted him, when he touched my arm first, my solicitor offers his solicitor $R10000 to make it all go away. That's like 10 minimum salaries. And if he really wants to push charges them I know some cops who have a little side earner putting bullets in people then planting a gun and crack on them.
>> No. 8082 Anonymous
21st April 2018
Saturday 6:51 pm
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Oooh, you're hard.
>> No. 8083 Anonymous
21st April 2018
Saturday 7:37 pm
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I'm not "hard". I'm just a multiple substance abuse syndrome sufferer who just happens to have practiced combat sports for nearly 15 years. I tried boxing,and discovered that if you punch me in the face I turn my back and turn into a 12 year old.

I'm definitely not "hard", it's just that 15 years of doing hard combat sports educates you what breaking bones sound and feel like, both other peoples' and your own.
>> No. 8085 Anonymous
29th April 2018
Sunday 7:22 pm
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The pretty one behind the counter at my local Turkish supermarket just asked me why I drink so much, with genuine concern in her eyes, as I breezed past to grab my fourth 12-pack of the weekend. I told her not to worry. She smiled. I'm in love, or I would be if I gave a fuck about anything other than listening to nu metal covers of clsssic rock tracks in the dark with a sea of empty cans around me.
>> No. 8086 Anonymous
29th April 2018
Sunday 10:54 pm
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Turkish women are beautiful! She could be the light at the end of the tunnel, chaplad.
>> No. 8087 Anonymous
5th May 2018
Saturday 4:38 am
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So you know the weekend is starting off well when your AA sponsor phones you up at 4 in the morning crying, pissed, and telling you she can't be your sponsor any more because she's started drinking again after six years.

You know it's starting wonderfully when you have to talk her down and tell her that YOU are not letting her walk away from you. She can fall down, we all fall down, but we both help each other up.

What's worse is that she's driving me somewhere at 2pm tomorrow. I hope to fuck she's sobered up and not drinking a coke can full of red wine like I used to at work.
>> No. 8088 Anonymous
5th May 2018
Saturday 5:08 am
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What puts the cherry on the cake was I chatting up a 22 year old lass who's only town until next Friday on Tinder when I took the emergency call. During that half hour of talking my own pissed AA sponsor down off her own metaphorical ledge she sent me about 20 tinder messages and then either apparently my ear unmatched her or she got bored waiting for me to go round and shag her and unmatched me. Her loss, where there's a credit card there's an 18 year old with unpaid student loan debt.
>> No. 8089 Anonymous
5th May 2018
Saturday 9:55 pm
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AA sponsor totally relapsed and drank all night and all morning despite her promissing to tip it down the sink and go to bed. She has my number in case she needs to talk to someone. If she does the only reason I'm not going to try to shag her is because she's a lesbian. And probably hasn't had a bath or shower since she relapsed on Thursday.


What the Good Lord taketh the Good Lord giveth right back when thou art righteous; and thus verily I already have a confirmed date for 11pm with a right dirty chubby little 23 year old (I haven't shagged a 23 year old in twelve years. I might mention that to her while fucking her from behind) who asked if I wanted to meet in a bar or just go straight to hers.

Yeah yeah, in before I wake up in a bathtub full of ice with just one kidney. It's not like there's a sedative cocktail that can actually knock me out any more though. Lord forbid I ever need surgery.
>> No. 8090 Anonymous
5th May 2018
Saturday 11:00 pm
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I don't have a lot of experience with alcoholism but it sounds to me like she needs to check herself into a fucking rehab clinic or something, if she doesn't live with anyone that can keep an eye on her.
>> No. 8091 Anonymous
6th May 2018
Sunday 12:18 am
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I've struggled with alcoholism for years. I've never posted in this thread before, because in typical "yeah, but I'm not THAT bad" fashion I thought I didn't need to, but I've been setting a bourbon glass on the worktop the last few months for after dinner and regularly finishing the bottle. I have been trying to "cut down" but it's not working.

One leads to two leads to falling asleep in the bath with a glass in my hand.
>> No. 8092 Anonymous
6th May 2018
Sunday 3:05 am
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Unfortunately, that's not really available for everyone, or else we wouldn't have hundreds (thousands?) of homeless alcoholics across the UK.

Poor girl was sober for six years before she broke. I don't know why I chose her as my sponsor but I don't think I've ever felt such instant affinity for a person in my life before.

I'm not a teenlad, this wasn't infatuaion or falling in love with the first girl to say hi to me in three years or anything, it was love but it wasn't romantic. It was like I already knew her and I think she feels the same and it's weird.

We both agreed that we're like that Amy Winehouse song - "I told you I was trouble, you know that I'm no good". We're both loved by good people and we both can't stop destroy both ourselves and by proxy them.

I tell you lads, it's a good job she's a lezzer or I can tell from every spark of energy from her that we'd make Sid and Nancy and Kurt and Courtney combined look like a couple of petulant twelve year olds having a strop outside a McDonalds in a run down coastal town during off season. Or at the least, I'd not be avoiding mental ..... I have no idea if she's a slag or not. But she's as a rotten and conniving and desperate and desirous as me and perhaps our Affinity, AA's supposed "higher power", put us together to help us to help each other, or maybe like attracts like in the same way as the abused seeks out the next abuser with just as much sickening alacrity as they are being pursued themselves.

My opinion? Well, we'll just have to wait and see.

Christ lads am I in love with an alcoholic lesbian nutter who wanted to take back by sponsor token after less than a week?

You know your life is getting interesting when ......


As for the 23 year old, she couldn't make up her mind where to meet me, kept offering up little burger joints down seedy lanes. Felt like a set up for a robbery so I just blocked her and fuck it. She might be 12 years younger than I am but she was barely worth the minicab fare if I'm honest, nevermind getting robbed.

Moan for a post as bloated as my fluid retaining abdomen. Still.
>> No. 8093 Anonymous
6th May 2018
Sunday 3:28 am
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> One leads to two leads to falling asleep in the bath with a glass in my hand.

I know it's alcohol, not heroin, but be careful, Whitney. Seriously.
>> No. 8094 Anonymous
7th May 2018
Monday 2:07 am
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As all things go I'm surprised that this fanfiction is still continuing.
>> No. 8095 Anonymous
7th May 2018
Monday 9:25 am
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U wot?
>> No. 8096 Anonymous
7th May 2018
Monday 1:49 pm
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Fuck alcohol, Fuck the people who sell it. Fuck the people who make it. Never again.
>> No. 8097 Anonymous
7th May 2018
Monday 2:46 pm
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>Never again.
I believe you. Millions wouldn't. Stay strong, brother.
>> No. 8098 Anonymous
7th May 2018
Monday 6:59 pm
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That image is too close to home to be funny. Did you pull it from r/2meirl4meirl ?
>> No. 8099 Anonymous
7th May 2018
Monday 7:10 pm
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I've been living (if you could call it that) so differently for so long from most of the population that I feel like a member of a different species. Pretty surreal to realise that you have pretty much nothing in common with most people when it comes to milestones and shared experiences.
>> No. 8100 Anonymous
7th May 2018
Monday 11:29 pm
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That's a feeling that many people share, regardless of the cause. You're not alone, and it's also something that can be fixed.
>> No. 8101 Anonymous
8th May 2018
Tuesday 12:39 pm
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Sounds a bit like the definition for the word sonder.
>> No. 8102 Anonymous
13th May 2018
Sunday 8:00 am
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Was supposed to be meeting someone last night. Woke up about an hour ago with "I gotta feeling" playing on speakers I literally never use unless I have company to learn I apparently passed out drunk before my friend even arrived. There was an almost full can of room-temperature Scrumpy Jack on my desk. I ignored it until I realised I have an entire sixpack of Romanian lager in the fridge. Then I unignored it. Happy Sunday pissheads and recovering pissheads!
>> No. 8103 Anonymous
14th May 2018
Monday 1:25 am
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Two weeks (somehow) fucking sober. At this point I think I'm just staying sober more out of a hard headed "go fuck yourselves" sense of wanting to prove to people that I can, more than an actual desire to not drink and drug myself into a toxic slumber.

One of the biggest problems about no longer trying to drink and drug yourself to death is that you suddenly start feeling better than you have in years. This leads to days where you wake up feeling so chipper that all you want to do is go out and get mashed, like the good old days.

My AA sponsor was back on Thursday, which was nice, but she still won't call me (won't, or hasn't, or can't, or any combination of the above) and I've already been shoulder tapped that I'm going to end up looking after her more than she looks after me. Talk about luck.

On the post-AA-post-marriage-separation front the 29 year old dropped me in it about an hour before our "date" because she felt I wasn't "separate enough from my wife yet". I mean, how separate do you want me to be in order to have a fucking coffee with me? It's not like I was going to go down on bended knee in the first half hour and pledge my undying love for her. Silly moo.

"Gog grant me the stupidity to deny there’s anything I cannot change, the temerity to neglect the things I can, and the ignorance to be incapable of distinguishing between the two". - Will Self, How The Dead Live

PS: If anyone finds this crap at all tiresome please just let me know and I'll stop blogging about my experiences with AA and forays into dating after having drunk and drugged your marriage into a stepped on monster munch. I'm currently posting this crap assuming that it'll be of interest to someone who has had to give up drinking, or is thinking about having to do so.
>> No. 8104 Anonymous
14th May 2018
Monday 10:59 am
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I'm too hungover to type a proper response but I enjoy your posts.
>> No. 8105 Anonymous
14th May 2018
Monday 11:09 am
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Nah, both me and >>8104 are interested, so you've got all of the userbase onside. Is there any reason you can't change AA sponsor for someone a bit more reliable? Maybe a decent older bloke who got remarried after achieving sobriety for a good half-dozen of them little shiny tokens. If there's anyone like that in your AA group, maybe go for them. I feel like they'd be a bit more relatable and dependable for someone in your situation. I'm not intimately acquainted with how AA sponsoring works so I'm sorry if there's some fuddy-duddy kind of "no switcheroos" policy in the organisation's structure. Seems a bit of a bad one if new recruits are stuck with the luck of the draw, really.
>> No. 8111 Anonymous
24th May 2018
Thursday 2:15 am
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Well, great. I managed two weeks off, business travel induced drinks but I managed to keep it under wraps and OK. All going swimmingly. Then I bought a bottle of Gin. Blah blah, fuckedup, whatever. Except I just gone done did and broke down in tears in public. I think I hid it OK, I live in London and I found a corner and just wallowed... might be time to end it.

Do not send an intervention, I'm ok. Just can't be arsed to type out the wherefore and how right now.
>> No. 8112 Anonymous
24th May 2018
Thursday 3:07 pm
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Microdosing shrooms and using medicinal weed to help with sleep at night has severely reduced my consumption of alcohol. Had a drink for the first time in weeks the other night but didn't really feel the need like I usually do, felt pretty pointless actually. I'm not saying everybody should pkunge into drugs but it has definitely helped my emotional stability.
>> No. 8113 Anonymous
24th May 2018
Thursday 6:43 pm
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I can see a good and bad side to the whole teetotal thing. On one hand you are keenly aware of the time spent sober and the tokens and stuff give you a progression and something tangible to keep as a reminder.

The down side is the whole relapse mentality and the shame that it can bring about. We are imperfect human beings, maybe this mentality of absolutism is necessary and helpful for some, but it must also be a source of great stress and pain for others who may react more favourably to managing and gradually reducing their consumption.

Stay strong brother.
>> No. 8114 Anonymous
24th May 2018
Thursday 11:15 pm
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A relapse isn't a failure, it's just a setback. The question is how you choose to deal with it. I think it's useful to treat a relapse as a learning experience. Relapses don't come out of nowhere - there are thoughts, feelings, stresses and circumstances that made you more vulnerable to relapsing. If you reflect on those factors, you'll be able to recognise them in future and take positive steps to manage them.

From this learning perspective, a relapse only makes you stronger in the long run. You might relapse again in future, but as long as you're learning something about yourself and making positive choices, then you're on the right path.

I also think it's important to forgive yourself. Guilt, shame and self-punishment might seem justified if you've been acting like a twat, but they don't really help you to improve yourself. If you're constantly beating yourself up and don't like the person you see in the mirror, the urge to give up and escape from reality is only going to get stronger. I think that's why steps 8, 9 and 10 are important - by making amends with the people we have harmed, it's easier to forgive ourselves.
>> No. 8115 Anonymous
25th May 2018
Friday 3:28 pm
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Well, I'm on my way to a month without drinking and so far so good. If I manage to make it to two months it'll be the longest I've gone without a drink since 2004. If I make it to six maybe I'll even have the guts to go and get my liver tests and other biomarkers redone.

It's been two Thursdays in a row that my sponsor hasn't turned up to AA, and she hasn't made any contact. I don't know at what point the line revolves and it becomes my moral (even if not pastoral) duty to turn around and contact her, although my guts say about a month of AWOL.

> Is there any reason you can't change AA sponsor for someone a bit more reliable? Maybe a decent older bloke [...] If there's anyone like that in your AA group, maybe go for them. I feel like they'd be a bit more relatable and dependable for someone in your situation.

I have no real idea what the protocol is, to be honest. I'm finding the whole AA thing a bit odd, to be honest. There are people there who've been sober for twenty five years but still turn up every single day after all that time. I don't know if their inner demons are that strong that they have to keep coming back to remind themselves of where they were, to see the newcomers shaking and sweating and be reminded to never go back back, or if their drive and zeal to help others is that strong that they feel a need to show up and open the doors even when no one comes like the fucking priest in Eleanor Rigby, or if they simply can't think of anything better to do of an evening.

I'm keeping my own head down as much as possible, turning up once or twice a week; I don't want this to become a replacement for the life I lived before my last, near fatal, bout of hardcore drinking and drugging - I just want to be healthy enough to go back to how I was living before I slipped and fell down that particular sinkhole, and that involves a whole lot of activities beyond AA.

Maybe I get a new sponsor or maybe I don't, either way there are people I can call. Maybe I can get more numbers for if things get grim. But for right now I'm just happy to be waking up in the mornings and my first impulse not being to grab the box of pills and the bottle wine and blow myself back into the fucking void for another six or eight or twelve hours.

Waking up and not wanting to slit your own throat seems, at the moment, a much better way to be living my life and some days, maybe even most days, I wake up and I'm almost happy to be alive.
>> No. 8116 Anonymous
25th May 2018
Friday 3:50 pm
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>or if they simply can't think of anything better to do of an evening.

I suspect it's a lot to do with replacing one ritual with another.
>> No. 8117 Anonymous
25th May 2018
Friday 4:49 pm
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I fear you may be right. Perhaps some of these people have been using alcohol so intensely for so long that any pre-alcoholic life seems like a dream or a fuzzy memory of some kind.

With nothing from the past they can, or perhaps want to, go back to then maybe sitting drinking coffee with other lost souls trumps sitting in a shitty run down pub drinking beer with other lost souls and all the associated problems that come with that, the same ones that always lead us back to where we began and begin again.
>> No. 8118 Anonymous
25th May 2018
Friday 5:41 pm
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It might be a bit more positive than that, like the way a lot of ex-smokers like to preach after they've quit. They know how much better they feel so have a compulsion to make other people understand too. I know it's not quite the same, but when I lost loads of weight in my early twenties I really felt the need to tell others how to do it too, and I can't quite say why other than I wanted other people to feel better and improve their lives like I did. That's waned over the years though, so maybe it's different.
>> No. 8119 Anonymous
25th May 2018
Friday 7:41 pm
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However you're achieving it, that still sounds you're on a good trajectory. Maybe if you feel well enough, you could ring your sponsor next Thursday to find out where she is. I'm not sure if the sponsor-sponsee relationship is at all like one with a therapist, but in therapy you're meant to do the work together rather than the therapist doing it for you. It's meant to be a two-way process, if that makes sense. Might well be that she could do with hearing from you too.

Of course, if she's gone entirely off the deep end don't use that as an excuse to follow her. You've been doing really well.
>> No. 8138 Anonymous
30th June 2018
Saturday 1:51 am
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Getting drunk is getting pretty boring. All that money spent even after getting pre-drunk at home, all those mostly forgettable conversations with mostly forgettable people. I don't even make lasting friends or meet girls when I'm out drinking so it all ends up being pointless.

I guess I'll cut back on the aimless boozing and try to be a sort of 'precision drinker'. I've already left my comfort zone by drinking at a bunch of local establishments and I found that it isn't all that interesting, so I'll try using the booze a bit more productively to gain Dutch courage to play at more open mic nights or go to funny bars where the women have gentleman sausages. At least those sorts of things fill me with a sense of both optimism and dread, which is a lot better than weary indifference.
>> No. 8139 Anonymous
1st July 2018
Sunday 11:37 pm
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i'm all for symposium, whereby politics and thought is brought together with wine to move forward with ideas.

Try that in a masjid, no wonder they're backwards.
>> No. 8140 Anonymous
7th July 2018
Saturday 12:29 pm
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I had a bit of a drink and a smoke with a middle aged Irish gypsy on a doorstep somewhere. When I wanted to leave he got weird and demanded £10 for the few puffs of weed and the sips of whisky. He was a big guy and a former boxer who'd done prison time for armed robbery so I told him no in the politest possible terms and walked away, but not before hearing that he'd follow me home and bash me head in.

Turns out getting drunk with gyppos isn't a particularly good idea. Who would've thunk it.
>> No. 8141 Anonymous
7th July 2018
Saturday 1:46 pm
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Since when has casual racism been acceptable around here?
>> No. 8142 Anonymous
7th July 2018
Saturday 2:20 pm
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Probably around the same time the Irish became a race or the words "Gyppo" or "Pikey" anything more than tired old insults with nothing to do with race*.

*Unless you're talking about Roma Gypsies, which >>8140 wasn't.
>> No. 8143 Anonymous
8th July 2018
Sunday 1:12 am
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>> No. 8144 Anonymous
8th July 2018
Sunday 5:22 pm
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> Getting drunk is getting pretty boring.
> I guess I'll cut back on the aimless boozing and try to be a sort of 'precision drinker'.

I've been saying that since 2005, and a fat lot of good it's done me. I don't mean to imply that you and I are anything alike or that you'll not manage to do it, but the simple fact that you aspire to "Precision drinking" at all is a big red warning flag for me. To me, it sounds like you need, and know and accept that you need, alcohol in order to function in a "normal" way under certain situations. That, indeed, is a long fucking road to hell. Caveat Emptor, lad. Fuck "Pack your rice", it's more like "count your units".


Today is my niece's first Birthday/party. This is relevant for a few reasons, I promise. First off in under a week I'll be 35 with a soul positively flapping off my metaphorical shoe. Secondly today marks a year that I've been somewhat semi officially battling "mental health problems" as it was when people first began to notice that I was having issues (and trust me, other people will notice long before you do).

I spent a few hours in a luxury hospital suite pre-delivery that the father of the child had stocked up with booze like we were facing a ten day lock in (he's far further off the deep end than I ever managed to get but will never admit to it) talking the mother to be through her breathing exercises and counting her contractions all while downing a beer and a 2mg clonazepam every five minutes because the SNRIs I was on made me feel like I was on bad speed all day every day forever.

To cut long story slightly shorter, I went to Judo practice the next morning on a breakfast of 8mg of clonazepam and 2 extra large cans of Smirnoff Ice because I needed something to take the fucking edge off; combined with how naturally high I was from the near magical experience of the night before I must have seemed like some kind of unwashed madman stumbling my way vodka-breathed and reeking of bad booze and terminal psychosis onto the mats that morning enthusiastically grinning "I'm an uncle!!" at anyone I passed. Jesus.

It also magically coincides with ten weeks "sober" tomorrow. I use the inverted commas because my psychiatrist has me so full of pills I rattle when I walk. I'm now on both sodium valproate and lithium, which I think wins me pretty much any game of Mental Health Top Trumps except those versions which include the lobotomy / electroshock mods.

I haven't really gone back to AA very much, once every two weeks at most. My psychiatrist has recommended not going back now that my drinking seems largely under control (because it's a constant reminded of what I was, not what I can be), but to just walk away from people who helped pick up me up at my worst just because I feel better feels "I'm alright jack" to the point of being foul. I don't know how long it'll last for, but for a while I will feel the need to turn up at least once every couple of weeks and "pay my penance" listening to the same sob stories week in week out and largely opting out of talking myself (because I usually don't have anything new to say, and repeating the same old thing again just seems pointless beyond point of ridiculousness).

It's funny, really. It's not the not drinking I'm even having trouble with. It's the whole not locking myself in and crying like a muppet in the shower every 15 minutes that's the real problem.

Anyway I wanted to ramble on some more about how a year passes like nothing when you can barely tell one week from another, never mind one day from the next. Then I stare at the wall for a bit and I remember that I have made some progress, even if it's only taking me back to where I was fifteen years ago - "I've been sober for longer than at any point in the last fifteen years" becomes a lot less impressive when you reframe it as "You wasted fifteen years of your life, you mean?".

In any case, I've wasted both your, and my, time long enough for any given Sunday (and I apologise), and now it's time for me to go and strap my fake smile back on and go through this bullshit one more time and try not to spend too much time crying in the bathroom. Wish me luck lads, I'll need it.

As always, if this gets too tiresome let me know and I'll stop treating this thread as my personal occasional blog.
>> No. 8145 Anonymous
8th July 2018
Sunday 5:35 pm
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Is there a socially acceptable shorthand for 'those cunts who tether their black & white horses on common land and lanes, keeping them in fucking dreadful conditions, not giving them water, then looking all hurt when I kick off about their mangy stallion busting loose and trying to break my fences down and fuck my horses to death?'
Because I'm far from pleased. Not about their parentage, but their competence and humanity.
>> No. 8146 Anonymous
8th July 2018
Sunday 5:38 pm
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Please do keep posting - and all the best to you.
>> No. 8147 Anonymous
10th July 2018
Tuesday 12:55 am
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Thanks for this post. We never know where we can end up, so thanks for the warnings.

Talk to the RSPCA. No one should keep an animal they are not willing to care for.

Are they pikies?

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