|>>|| No. 8202
> but I'm not boozing much anymore. I still binge drink on occassion but I don't think it's a problem like it was at one point.
It's funny that the biggest, most major, belief in the whole AA (and I presume NA) doctrine is that a single drink will turf the alcoholic fully and totally back into the gutter from whence he came. I, like you, have found that to be untrue, at least for some people.
I'm not sure if it was because I never quite ended up in the gutter (I mean I've fallen in a few gutters before, but I never really hit rock bottom - I never missed work or spent money I didn't have or rob my dear old Nan's purse in order to drink).
In any case, over the last couple of weeks I've been drinking moderately at weekends and once or twice socially during the week. So far I am yet to even get drunk, never mind end up off the alcoholic wagon.
Regardless, I'm going to steal a quote here: "Ah've kicked a few times now. Kicking and using again is like gaun tae prison. Everytime ye go to jail, the probability ay ye ever becoming free fae that kind of life decreases. It's the same every time ye go back tae smack. Ye decrease yir chances ay ever bein able tae do withoot it."
Well I've been chemically dependent on alcohol a few times now and kicked every time on my own using nothing more than a few benzos and some common sense dose reduction until you can just grit your teeth and get through the day. Once I've done that I usually go dry for a week, or two, or a month. This time I lasted almost five months before deciding "what's the harm in a quick drink".
Well, so far no harm no foul, but I sit and I think back to all the past horrors I've put myself through and I know that I don't want to ever go back to being chemically dependent on alcohol.
Not only would it take me round another trip through the addict's crossroads, it'd take up weeks or months of my life, fuck up my routine I'm just getting back together again, and just genuinely be a horrible fucking experience to go through - physically, emotionally, and mentally.
So despite knowing that AA and twelve step programs in general are geared towards remaining focused on drugs - in perpetuity, moving away from a basic evolutionary drive that exists within every human being and replacing it with rooms full of mostly annoying, stupid, and boring people, spouting drivel, until I want to kill them, myself, or just go get high - I am actually going to go back to "being sober" (or tee-total), because the stakes are too high and even if the risk is small I still don't want to take it. I've wasted enough time for this lifetime.
Lad. You have no idea how much impact this thread has had on my life since I went through my first chemical dependence on alcohol in 2012. I remember sitting and crying at 7am in a penthouse flat on Het Spui in Amsterdam because I was drinking a 1L bottle of red wine for breakfast while ironing my shirt and I couldn't find my fucking cufflinks while reading this thread. I really do think that there were some moments there where this thread and John Doran's Menk column were the only things keeping me sane in a world where I needed 40 units of alcohol per day to stave off withdrawals, well over the amount needed to make you feel very ill indeed.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, thank you for this thread. You've no idea how much it's helped.