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|>>|| No. 2130
Are there any 'resting actors' out there?
I'm back up to about a litre of whisky a day again. :(
|>>|| No. 7905
Well lads, today's the first time I actually thought I have a serious problem. I mean the term "high functioning alcoholic" has been tossed around but it's been working pretty well for me. However, today I was out in a city I'm familiar with, but was in unfamiliar places within it. Too much going on in my head. I debated getting some booze from this store near the metro for a bit to ease my mind but went across the way for a coffee instead. I lasted a good minute in line before saying "Fuck it." and marching back across to the store, getting a bottle, then going to the loos to down the majority of it. Then I went to a pub. Things were looking up after that and I bought a big bottle of rum to savour for other times Like now.
I've been aware I use alcohol as a crutch. Honestly I think it's been the thing that's kept me alive this long, oddly. People think I'm not being serious when I say things like "I'm surprised I'm still here, hahahaha". I really am. I am always wondering what the limit is on how much a person can take from life. And like everything else I used to distract myself before alcohol, I knew this had a time limit and eventually it'd stop working so well. I always figured it'd be sooner or later. Something would change. Well, looks like it's happening sooner now and I'm not sure what the outcome's going to be. It's fine though, however it goes.
|>>|| No. 7906
Surprised that posted since I'm abroad. But * is the way apparently. Also apologies if it's disjointed. I feel like I had a lot more to say/explain but it's late and fuck it all I'll probably delete it later anyway. Take care lads.
|>>|| No. 7907
>I am always wondering what the limit is on how much a person can take from life.
I used to wonder that myself when I was tanking away every night. Now I'm not, I don't. I haven't replaced alcohol with anything more "enjoyable". Getting shitfaced is enjoyable; it's all the other stuff, like life, and health (both mental and physical), that gets in the way, that tend to make alcoholism a stressful, miserable existence.
I no longer spend my days wondering why I bother to carry on existing. I'll go out on a limb and suggest that that's a mindset borne of your current addiction.
Don't delete your post. You'll want to look back on it later, one way or another, trust me.
|>>|| No. 7908
Got a wee bit too drunk yesterday and overstayed my welcome at a pub; woke up with bruises and scratches over my neck and a bit of a sprained ankle.
Too much booze and going out alone never end well for me, especially now that the results from regular weightlifting are starting to show and people think I'm an intimidating drunk. I need to re-learn my limits with alcohol.
|>>|| No. 7909
For whatever reason I really liked this post and have found an excuse to browse back to it repeatedly over the last few weeks which have been quite eventful for me and seen an enormous increase in my own alcohol intake after a good couple of years on the trot of being quite a good boy. I don't know if it's because I can always see Clint Eastwood out of the corner of my eye or because the euphemism of "overstaying your welcome" particularly tickles me but I imagine you're really cool for some reason.
Just today I bunked off work and am now pretty certainly fired as a result and my mate who lives abroad now asked me why by text and I said "a wake and bake got slightly out of hand". Something about how I was distancing myself from it, as though I magically found myself drunk and high at 11am on a workday, made me want to come back to this post and enjoy it once again.
In general I feel I have learned a lot from this thread despite almost never posting in it. It has been a near-constant presence in my life for a good part of what I am now coming to accept is going to be a lifelong on-off struggle with the demon drink. Thanks guys. I'm raising a glass to every single one of you, even the guy who advised me to take up GHB when my granddad died, which was definitely not good advice as I learned the hard way.
Sage for WKD-brunch induced ramblings.
|>>|| No. 7945
Moved across the street from a garage that sells booze 24/7. Can see the fucker from my front door.
|>>|| No. 7954
Based on this post I too have been replaying >>7908 in my head for weeks. I now have visions of >>7908 waking up to the dawn light and emerging from a hedge he passed out in on the way home, standing up with a collection of leaves and twigs in his hair, covered in scratches and bruises and delivering Eastwood's line as he sets off.
|>>|| No. 7956
Can't go two weeks without alcohol. I could if I were with myself. If I was out here with no one, it would be fine, there'd be no need. But people seem to make me.
|>>|| No. 7957
Do you mean, literally two weeks? Because that doesn't sound so bad to me.
|>>|| No. 7958
Do you mean that you only drink socially due to peer pressure? Don't drink if you're uncomfortable about it. Next time you're out, order a soft drink, or to look like Jean Reno badass, a glass of milk. If your mates question you say you're just trying to cut down on your alcohol intake. If they aren't cunts they should leave it at that. If they don't, why be friends with cuts?
|>>|| No. 7959
I mean being around people makes me drink. I don't fit in anywhere and it works out better, being alone. I had to hike 2 hours to buy some alcohol for where I am right now.
Well that's good at least.
|>>|| No. 7962
I hiked 3 hours for a bottle of whiskey, perhaps a new low. Today though I came to a realisation. I don't even want to drink that much anymore. I just want to stop hurting.
|>>|| No. 7963
Well I guess the obvious question is why do you hurt? and how do you stop that?
|>>|| No. 7965
On the plus side, in my experience at least, this should be the beginning of the upswing for you. Once I realised that I wasn't having at fun at all drinking any more, and that I was only drinking to A) blot out deep emotional pain and B) to fend off fucking withdrawal symptoms, I was able to do as >>7963 suggests and start working towards dealing with my problems in a more constructive way.
|>>|| No. 7966
Drinking is boring again and I'm getting heartburn more often than not. Time for another break. It's easier to stay sober as autumn kicks in, and I can give the months catchy names like Sober September and No-Drink November,
|>>|| No. 7981
Back on it after a good 8 months off. Had a few slips in the last few weeks but this is the first session where I've realised I'm fully "back". A word of advice, don't keep emergency booze in the house for emergencies. You are just making a provision with which to try and bargain with yourself later in a more fiendy state of mind and law of averages says it's bound to happen sooner or later. Like nuclear war. We're all; going to fucking die.
|>>|| No. 7982
The worst part is I just genuinely forgot I had a bottle under the sink or I'd definitely have done it before now. But can still trick myself into believing that having had it in the house all this time while sober is proof I have willpower after all and thus an excuse to reward myself by drinking it..?
It's getting to the point where talking about how this shit is evil isn't even an attempt to kid myself into being sensible anymore. I actually HAVE to quit drinking for real. But I'm still googling 24 hour off licences at 4am because a beer would be fucking amazing. Even after the best part of a litre of voddy it's what I actually need to really feel like I've come home.
|>>|| No. 7997
Well, I done goofed. How did no one tell me I had to do a tax return and loose my fucking allowance once I move past 100k? I still can't believe how lucky I am, so I donate most of what I earn to homeless shelters (because YOLO, I'll be there soon) and quake streamers... because they remind me of happier times.
I thought I was rid of this bug bear, but as it happens I woke up around 2am barely sober (it was my birthday and I was alone, you understand) and squinted at my phone until it ran out of battery. Now I sit here comtemplating my choices.
So now... why am I here. How much do I have to fuck up for society to realise I'm a wrong'un?
|>>|| No. 8008
Earning between 100k and 130k is sort of miserable. You pay more tax than anyone else below or above you. I feel your pain.
|>>|| No. 8012
As a side note, where did you get your modafinil from and was it good? I've been looking for a decent place to order from lately but prices seem to increase quite a lot from place to place
|>>|| No. 8013
Not him and don't know what prices are good but unitedpharmacies-uk.md IME have been reliable at least.
|>>|| No. 8015
Same. I think their shipping list is probably a who's-who of gs.
|>>|| No. 8017
How have you lads been paying? Seems they only accept bitcoin and wire transfer and I'd probably have to go with the latter, but are they reliable/safe enough?
|>>|| No. 8019
Tried to order from them recently by card and got an email saying they don't accept it right now.
|>>|| No. 8020
From ModafinilCat. They closed shop about a year ago, though.
|>>|| No. 8022
About a week; comes from India or China. Their shipping fees are a bastard if you don't order a lot in one go.
|>>|| No. 8033
Health is taking a hit. For the past couple of months I've once substituded what feels like half my calories for booze and I've gained some lovely belly girth (my old 34 stretch turned into 38s barely fitting) as well as red-face syndrome. Not just some rosacea but random beet red situations, usually after some kind of extremely minor exercise like bending over to put on shoes. Strange sleep patterns which are oddly enjoyable, can't sleep during the evening but when I wake up I can spend 5-10 9-minute snooze cycles drifting off into nearly lucid brief dreams. I feel bloated all the time, have fantasies of being hungry and procure a bunch of shitty food only to eat about a 1/4 of it before I feel sick and can't eat the rest.
This may be it. The final sign that my body's no longer up to it and it's time to stop.
|>>|| No. 8035
My drinking has taken a huge dip after I switched to using weed to help me sleep instead. In the past week I think I've only had a couple drinks, nothing to excess. Using modafinil some days to keep me switched on and more productive too. Just thought I'd share.
|>>|| No. 8036
Yeah, weed helped for a while but I discovered I just fucking hate being on this planet so in the end I used the double whammy of booze and weed to knock me even more unconscious.
|>>|| No. 8037
Weed really isn't helpful to anyone who suffers anxiety/depression. Especially not the sort of stuff grown in the UK. We've entirety forgotten what a nice relaxing indica strain is, it's all that bullshit skunk that makes you think the DHL bloke might be an MI5 agent.
|>>|| No. 8040
>skunk makes you think the DHL bloke might be an MI5 agent
Does it really do this though, or is it a predeliction of the persona using it?
|>>|| No. 8041
The advice is all out there since the rise of medicinal use around the world. I'm sure personality plays a part but none of what's popular here would EVER be recommended for someone with anxiety. The relationship between spice and the real thing has flipped so the aim is for something more like a legal high and not the other way around.
|>>|| No. 8057
I just re-read the entire thread and it's a trip down memory lane as well as a reminder for how long I've been at this. Annoyingly, I can only almost tell which were my posts. Short term memory loss I'm used to, but this long term memory loss? A close friend recently tried to remind me of events that happened 20 years ago... I have no memory of them.
In general, memory has gone to the dogs. The more I try to think back, the more I realise that I just don't remember. There are flashes of memory, but I can't nail them down.
The annoying thing is that I had pithy ending to this post in my mind but by the time I'd typed it I'd lost what I meant to say and couldn't recollect what it was.
|>>|| No. 8058
In /map/ there's an example of me answering my own question from years before before slowly realising it was fucking me.
|>>|| No. 8059
It's not a competition. I would be fucking embarrased if I had to own up to my uhu and eco posts.
|>>|| No. 8060
And reading this back I'm embarrassed that I wrote such an antagonistic post when this thread has been mostly suppportive. Sorry chap.
|>>|| No. 8061
Currently taking care of 3 people with ARBD at work, very similar to dementia, and it is somewhat of a wake up call. It's pretty shit lads.
|>>|| No. 8063
Never posted in this thread, never even looked at it, I just keep seeing Richard E Grant's grin popping up in star. What do you even do in here? 'Yeah I'm drunk tonight lads'. Is that it or is there more to it? Is it like a recovery support group?
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