No. 23560Anonymous 16th November 2016 Wednesday 6:49 pm23560Minor angst and existential dread, Mk. I
We tend to have a lot of repeated threads here, but I also get the feeling people don't tend to post in /emo/ unless it's a big issue.
With this in mind I suggest that we have a thread for stuff that's got you down a bit and you need to get off your chest, without it being major enough to make an entire thread devoted to it. We can also use it as a go-to for minor relationship advice, work problems, social drama, and things like that.
Everyone gets down from time to time, let's put some Sisters of Mercy on and wallow together for a while.
I find my youtube feed hideous. My youtube feed apparently believes my optimal watching habits are people who I turn off after 5 minuites because I realise they are wasting my time by making vague promises they are going to teach me something new that they padding the shit out of that i conclude if they had somethingto say they would have already told me. Its like a short form non fiction version of a thousand JJ Abrams. I guess I cannot blame the algorithm as these videos seem to some times to have millions of views despite being rubbish, so it's the fault of other people's non decerning nature that I am bombarded with aimless rants that purposefully delay delivering on their premise.
Because I looked at a vacuum cleaner on amazon before buying one elsewhere it doesn't follow that I want to see vacuum cleaners for the next month but that's what the incomplete marketing data concludes.
Obviously there is associative information that can be inferred about a person some of it over presumptive some of it more general, it doesn't necessarily follow that I am a house proud middle-aged women who will buy anything associative with cleaning, but it would probably follow quite reasonably that I am both not a small child or homeless. I suspect the nature of the algorithms are that it is far too enthusiastic to assume the former rather than the latter because deranged housewives engage with it more than I do, and therefore give it positive feedback that those are the ways it should behave.
>"Other people also looked at this" can be accurate
Is it accurate or is it that you ignored the 1000 suggestions that were barely connected, and remember the time that it did the equivelent of when you bought a lamp it suggested a bulb.
I've said this before, but you are in fact astonishingly likely to buy a vacuum cleaner immediately after buying a vacuum cleaner. About 17% of everything that gets bought online is returned for a refund within 14 days. Most people who return something will end up buying something similar shortly afterwards - they probably didn't change their mind about needing a new hoover, they just didn't like the first one they chose. Showing you adverts for a thing you've just bought seems completely stupid on the face of it, but it actually has an insanely high return on investment.
Likewise, a recommendations algorithm that keeps suggesting things that you hate but watch anyway is working exactly as intended; an algorithm that flatters you but delivers lower total watch time is a failure.
>>33805 Not in any particular detail. It's just trying to sell you things you might be tempted to buy, given that other people have bought the same things. It is not a psychic able to see into your soul.
Go on a clicking spree of random shit if you're worried. Build a gift list as though you're pregnant, then one as though you're about to go on a Vietnamese holiday. Throw stuff into the mix.
Bloody hell. You can tell I'm depressed because I've spent all day watching Steve1989MREInfo. It's one of my comfort habits I suppose.
Anyway it's nothing really important going on, I have my life together for the most part, I still need to cut out the drink and drugs properly but I've been doing better. I get frustrated and very hard on myself when I have a bit of a relapse and waste a whole weekend or two in that intoxicated foggy haze.
I think the catalyst for this one is that a girl I've had a sort of long term mostly online fuck buddy thing with (we've only met a handful of times, but have always reliably been there for each other whenever one or the other needed a wank) is no longer interested. I had become more attached to her than I realised, and was getting a lot of my validation from that attention. It hurts a proper break up, honestly, it's fucked up.
I just feel like the pool of things I enjoy in life is ever shrinking, either because I just don't enjoy them any more, or they are being taken away. I'm running out of new avenues to explore.
This time last week I was hungry with stomache growls, weak muscle cramps and a strange almost light headed sensation that wavered in an out with activity in my stomache, yet I was reluctant to eat.
Now I've stuffed 2 tuna wraps and have stopped myself making a 3rd, fighting against a desire to stuff my face. If you'll excuse me saying, I can feel mass in my stomache and slightly in my belly and I seem to want to fill it.
Wtf is going on with this? Being hungry is perversely pleasureable, I'd love to lose weight but this contrary desire to eat while I'm not physically hungry is confusing me.
>>33828 See, I'm hungry again but don't want to waste it. Now's the time I can drain my body for a hard reset. I can feel there's some energy in my chest, abdomen and legs. That's how it's appearing to me. Is this when I should be excercising? I know it's a very simple question but some of us (I) are retarded.
Sorry for the boring answer, but I'm not sure there's such a thing as a "hard reset" for the body, only varying degrees of (dys)regulation. This is particularly tricky in interpreting your own hunger and energy levels, which have a strong subjective element.
>Being hungry is perversely pleasureable, I'd love to lose weight but this contrary desire to eat while I'm not physically hungry is confusing me.
This makes me think that you've developed a somewhat unhealthy relationship with the feeling of hunger. Try to remember that hunger is an important but imperfect signal. It's not an objective measure that you're losing weight, it's your body producing ghrelin because your stomach is empty. The ideal eating pattern is one where your hunger signals can still usefully signal when it's time to eat, but stop when you've eaten within a range of calories that leave you at a healthy weight in the long term. This state of satiety is caused partly by leptin.
I'm sure you already know that if you're aiming to lose weight, you'll need to be in a caloric deficit. It's often more helpful to think of this in longer term blocks, though, like how many calories you consume over a week rather than a single day. This is because most people's bodies are quite good at regulating food intake (via things like how hungry you feel) and energy expenditure (via things like how much you fidget and move around unconsciously) in the short term. Note that there are some exceptions, like if you're diabetic, but this will hold true for most people.
If you have reason to believe that you are not able to trust your hunger and satiety signals, like for example if you are or have been very underweight or overweight, then I would focus on trying to impose a structure on your eating (e.g. three square meals at least four hours apart adding up to roughly this many calories) and seeing how you feel after following that for at least a week.
If you're not certain whether you're in a caloric deficit, you can make some rough estimates using a basal metabolic rate calculator (https://www.calculator.net/bmr-calculator.html), which tells you how many calories you burn just to stay alive, and reading the labels of the ingredients/foods that you use to prepare a typical week of eating. This doesn't need to be completely accurate, only to give yourself a benchmark of whether to scale up or down.
As far as I'm aware, most studies of fasted exercise don't show much of a benefit in terms of losing weight or maintaining muscle. Conversely, it also doesn't show much of a detrimental effect, either. If you feel most energetic when you haven't eaten, then it is entirely up to preference whether you exercise at that time. However, I also think it's very important to start disassociating the immediate feeling of hunger from your long-term weight goals and overall calorie consumption; for those, it's far more important to focus on your food choices and portion sizes.
TL;DR - being hungry is a signal, not a sure sign of weight loss or when to exercise. Fasted exercise is down to preference; it won't cause you any harm, but may not bring any additional benefit. Try to focus on longer-term calorie consumption with a reasonable structure for meal timing for at least a week and see how you feel. You may find that this structure will help you feel satiated
I've been incredibly dismissive of it in the past, but my most recent go at CBT has actually been very helpful. It wrapped up not ten minutes ago, but I'm genuinely in a better place than I have been for a long time, and I think that's in no small part to actually being challenged by my therapist. I think she herself put that down to her being Eastern European, but whether it was that or just being a good therapist, it has been a serious mental restorative to be made to self-examine, and when that fails be examined, in a critical manner. I suppose some people might balk at anything that feels too hostile, so therapists have to walk a fine line in case someone finds it too overwhelming and stops engaging. However, the gently-gently approach has left no impact on me in the past, so I feel genuinely indebted to my most recent mental-heath-helper. And something that's especially odd, given recent discussions on /b/, is that one of my longer term goals we had been dicussing was my moving to Manchester. Don't worry though, my presence there will only drive down rents.
So, with my diet is carrying on as planned, my moderate exercise remaining a daily routine, and my actually having a loose approximation of a social life, all that remains is to get a proper job.
Also, even though I thought she was very attractive, at no point did I lie to make myself look better, so that's growth too.
More of a blog post than anything to do with "minor angst and existential dread", but you've already read it now so tough.
>>33839 >I'm genuinely in a better place than I have been for a long time, and I think that's in no small part to actually being challenged by my therapist.
If you'll excuse the incense, there really is something to facing fears and overcoming appropriate obstacles when you can do so with a reasonably stable mindset. Even without a stable grounding you can probably do some serious development, it's just gonna spin in some wild directions. I can start to understand how people come to believe strange things when you consider the influence of adrenaline (and god knows what else) on the brain whilst it's making new pathways.
It really is about tempering the soul. I too feel I've taken a significant step in actualisation that I've been struggling against for many years. I'm steadily tidying my house, I'm paying closer attention to hygene and I'm tracking my diet. Small things on the face of it but that I've been using these as an anchor for such a long time, finally being free and able to do things without being held back is liberating - the sensation is so light, as though I could lift onto the wind and breeze into a better being.
I'm still scared, but i'm showing more capacity and willingness to develop than I had ever previously realised.
Good on you mate, hope everything goes well and that you can learn from the times it doesn't.
I have been a NEET for about six months. In that period, I've only spoken to my wife, shop workers, and medical professionals. And my mum over the phone. My daily routine has been "wake up, go to the shop, fuck about on the internet, drink, go to bed". Sometimes I played games but I always felt guilty having fun while my wife worked.
I am no longer a NEET, and am waiting on a start date for a job. Good news!
But I'm pretty anxious about going from incredibly antisocial and inactive, to commuting to work in a busy office with hundreds of people in it, five days a week. Had a similar job before, the work was fine, the interpersonal relationships and politics were not. I'm very much autistic. And I forgot how to interact with people.
What's the best way to come across as acceptable and good? I'm not aiming to be the office cool guy. But I know from past interactions with people in jobs I am an obvious sperg and have a bad aura.
I wish I had answers but I largely struggle with similar issues. The fact that work has become a social event rather than a professional environment drives me nuts. I switched to working from home around two years ago and am incomparably happier.
If I could approach the whole "office" thing again, and I might well have to in the future, I'd probably either i) come across as Mr. Normal-and-Happy to the greatest degree possible. Drive a boring car, have boring hobbies, feign a love of football, etc. or ii) just put a bit more effort into fostering one or two good friendships that make my work life tolerable.
>>33841 You were able to do it before; you just need to fake it for a day or two till the instincts come back. I assume you've spoken to your bosses and people at any job interviews you had for this job, and they obviously didn't think you had a bad aura or they wouldn't have hired you. When you show up, speak to them and anyone else who speaks to you first, and that's all anyone expects. It won't be that different from speaking to shop workers or hairdressers.
You're probably just nervous because it's a massive change to your routine. Everyone hates that, so if you're as massive an autist as you say, you'll hate it even more. But after a day or two, it'll be fine. If you want a really basic conversation-starter, ask your colleagues if they enjoy their jobs.
>It won't be that different from speaking to shop workers or hairdressers.
Not that lad, but I think a fair amount of the low level workplace anxiety when you have some degree of autistic/ADHD/general spergitis tendencies comes from the fact that it is different, because unlike shop workers, you are going to have to see them again tomorrow. And the next day. And the day after that. So it makes the stakes higher not to say some dreadful embarrassing shit, to keep your mask up for longer, to continuously keep the act consistent, and so on.
But this is the main reason I like having a job where I am by myself and left alone a majority of the time. I took a long time to acknowledge and admit it but it's probably the most important part of my job and allows me to function better outside of work, because I have more energy for it.
To that end, the advice I would give to otherlad is to just not worry about over-exerting yourself to "fit in", you'll no doubt have some wank introductory couple of days where you can introduce ourself and so on, perhaps best of to start as you mean to go on and introduce yourself as being a quiet and reserved type and prefer to keep your head down and get on with things, so that way people don't get the wrong idea that you're being rude or aloof if you don't join in The Bantz all the time. Just be as polite and curteous as you would to anyone else, smile and look people in the eye when you do speak to them, and then when you have created that first impression as a nice but introverted fellow you should have an easier time of it going forwards.
>>33842 >>33843 >>33844 My biggest anxiety is the training period. In my last job, a very corporate organisation, there were ice breakers and games played in training that made me want to die. Once I was doing the job it was fine. It was everything surrounding the actual job I'm paid to do that fucked me off. Also mandatory office fun like egg and spoon race around the filing cabinets.
Not saying "no fun allowed", but sometimes people really need to fuck off with """fun""".
The office job I had before my last one was during COVID so lovely social distancing. Working environments make you wish for an eternal pandemic.
I'm not miserable I just hate having to socialise beyond the bare minimum. Sorry.
>>33841 >I'm not aiming to be the office cool guy.
Without any relevant work experience I'd say be agreeable.
Imagine yourself nodding in agreement with your colleges. Laugh at simple jokes, excuse poor taste and give eye contact to people you interact with (they will notice if you don't but it shouldn't be a massive problem if you can glance to the eyes every so often).
Mild topics about the weather, no matter how trite or cliche, are perfect brief introductions to anyone you're not known by name.
>>33844 >unlike shop workers, you are going to have to see them again tomorrow.
This is pretty much why I left work The same cycle of horrible bullying people every day, drilling my head. I went on robotic autopilot, broke down and have been in maintainance since.
I now cycle shops for the same handful of items just to avoid the possibility of meeting certain floorstaff - people I don't actually know, just recognise and vaguely interact with.
That's the worst part for me - maintaining even trivial relations. Especially when on particular days I just don't fucking care.
I think there is something in forcing yourself to interact though - capacity to engage certainly flexes.
>That's the worst part for me - maintaining even trivial relations. Especially when on particular days I just don't fucking care.
>I think there is something in forcing yourself to interact though -capacity to engage certainly flexes.
I definitely get what you mean.
It's one thing to make up some bullshit smalltalk with a random stranger, that doesn't take a lot of effort. I'm a lot better at that than I used to be certainly, at some point it just srot of clicked that it's of no consequence so why worry about it? Then I started treating it like a little bit of a game, like I am playing a character, and it felt less painful to deal with. With work people I quite literally don't care, I don't even know the name of more than a handful of my colleagues. I sometimes worry that I might seem like an autist but again it really doesn't matter- I don't need to interact with them at all most of the time. So even if I am vaguely concerned about it in the back of my mind, it's a non-issue, essentially, and I can dismiss it.
But actual friendships are what stresses me out nowadays. Remarkably, I do have friends, it's just a fucking pain to keep on top of being friends; but if I don't, I am unquestionably lonely and very rapidly become depressed. With friends, you have to worry about how long it's been since you last text them, or if it was you who replied last is it needy or rude to send another one, if you want to hang out you typically have to think of some kind of more substantial pretext than just "come sit in my house", you have to remember to take an interest in what they are up to, and on and on and on... It's exhausting.
>>33848 >like I am playing a character
I'm enjoying this an awful lot but I'm finding it difficult to track who I am on any given day. It's not as bad as that sounds, but it has been a necessary consideration.
>With friends.. you typically have to think of some kind of more substantial pretext than just "come sit in my house", you have to remember .. It's exhausting.
I'm getting to the point where I might like to try that as a game, alongside comments to random strangers.
Lads, I need some help with a volunteer placement. I've passed an initial interview, now I'm hesitant in confirming induction by email. By tomorrow it'll be mid week, that's 3 days of inactivity.
So what would I put;
hello, this is [name] who attended a volunteer meeting last week.
I can confirm my availability for induction from [date].
I hope all is well at [location] and look forward to meeting your team.
Signed
?
There's one person there who's the most intelligent I've ever met. She will see through me, completely. How do you manage a relationship like that? I can do sincerity, but it requires trust. She's already seen how after about an hour my social battery starts to strain.
It doesn't help that I'm clearly the lowest class person in the building, have already expressed surprise at their level of security and enquired about costs of functioning.
I should explain I have an interest in economics.
I suppose I'll learn if I'm an acceptable candidate by their return email, but I'm shitting it either way.
>>33873 You don't sound any worse than most people, from your post. Maybe she will see through you, in whatever way you mean, but if she can do that, she probably sees through everyone and is used to it now. So I doubt you have anything to worry about.
>>33874 >Maybe she will see through you, in whatever way you mean
I would have no way of managing her perception of me. According to what you've said, she'd percieve many people quickly and come to become a regular judge of character.
My best option must be to play roar and hope that I can be charming enough for her to excuse me.
>I would have no way of managing her perception of me.
The healthiest lesson you need to learn if you are the kind of person who feels the need to do this, is that you are causing yourself far more headaches than it is worth.
For one thing, you really can't manage other people's perception of you. People make up their own minds, and unless you're Derren Brown, you quite literally have no influence over it. Some people will clock you straight away for exactly what you are, some people will judge solely based on the evidence of your abilities, whereas other people will make rash and unfair snap conclusions about you based solely on your appearance or your voice. There isn't a thing you can do about it.
You can act like you are something other than who you really are, but really, it doesn't get you anywhere in the long run. When you create a mask that mask has to be worn every day, and the white lies or truths you bend or omit in order to maintain the façade have to be mentally catalogued and tracked. It becomes far too stressful, far too quickly. And after all that effort, people are still going to judge that mask differently to how you actually intended for it to be judged anyway; so what's the point?
You don't have to reveal everything about yourself to people you don't quite know or trust well enough. But it is quite futile to try disguise yourself, in the long run. Took me a long time to learn this lesson, but it was valuable. Godspeed to you lad.
>>33873 I've known a few people with that hyperperception thing you get when one of your parents is the right sort of unpredictable, just don't try to trick them. They can't actually see into your soul, anyway. It's all just surface cues most people ignore. They can see which way the waves are blowing but they can only guess at which way the deep currents are going and why.
>>33876>>33877 Brtfa.gs ate my reply, I can't bear typing that again it was so precise T_T
Something about persona literally meaning mask and how I'm clearly reverting to a younger one indicated by my emoji use. I can't identify them easily, yet, but I'll probably get there with introspection.
I didn't send the email again, today. Is the above example okay? Look forward to meeting your team?
I'm aiming for 10 tomorrow morning. Office morning is 9 too fresh, while 11:30 would be lazy.
The email is absolutely grand mate, send it. You are at more risk of losing out through hesitance than by wording your email slightly wrong. Honestly you are overthinking.
Besides e-mail is no more formal than a text in most places now. Don't go putting emojis in it quite yet, but people do. I use :3 to assert dominance.
From Monday to Friday of this last week, there was a Facebook group for new starters in the department throughout the country. Was mostly just for the workplace to give us bits of helpful info.
I looked at the other new starters in my location, and they all seem like giganormies. Attractive women, generic men. Intimidating. I know referring to people as "giganormies" is probably a tell that I'm a terminally online retard (which I am). Maybe if I play into my autism I can be a lovable Sheldon Cooper comic relief type person. Bazinga!!!
>>33884 I'm not a mod, so I might be wrong, but so long as you're not a complete arsehole, the mods don't really mind how you express yourself in /emo/.
>>33884 Did you notice the missquote and filename?
I think things are going to be okay, so long as I mangage to forget the briefly mistaken features of dust and dirt for bruises on a childs face.
We did a good job of reassuring and distracting the kid, and even my dad who has his own anger issues managed to calm down remarkably fast. He didn't cry either, this time.
I can't imagine how social workers disconnect from this.
The frog was chosen for its emotional and emotive value, I hope you appreciate. I did make the effort to convert it to transparent .png, did it work in your browser? It doesn't in mine.
My volunteer email was sent too late, by the way. But it's okay, they returned a thankyou note that seemed sincere. I have a community cafe/hub in mind for the next try, and think a creative from the first place may help with a public project of my own.
I'm sorry lad, I wasn't criticising you, and who honestly cares when you're sharing something quite serious like you. It was just meant as a heads up, as .gs likes to distance itself a bit from most imageboard clichés.
My nan was a social worker for the council in her working life, and she dealt with loads of problems like yours, and the most difficult part of her job, as I remember her saying, was that she had authority to have children taken out of families and placed in care, or at least to make such recommendations before a family court. In some cases, I guess the choice was an easy one to make, but there were also parents who wanted the best for their kids but simply couldn't provide it.
>>33882 I blew it. I forgot how I handle groups. My body language is offputting, I speak in a slow monotone, I stutter. We were logging into the system and it wasn't working for me, and the manager told me to try a different station. I ended up working out how to fix the error, and as she had the same error with someone else, I told her. But instead of talking loud enough for her to hear me from two chairs away, I stood up and took a step toward her and said my advice like a total mongoloid. She looked at me like I was the most pathetic individual in human history. I can talk to managers normally one to one in past jobs, I can talk over the phone to a faceless person. But if there's 10 of us in a room I sound very low IQ and creepy if I try talk. There was no bazinga.
Also one of the managers was on a bus with her boyfriend about 6 years ago, and when I was getting off I accidentally stood on her boyfriend's foot, and I apologised, but it made shopping in the supermarket they both worked in difficult because I knew they hated me for stepping on his foot so I'd have to use stealth to avoid them. I won't tell her this obviously, she doesn't know me but I remember her face. 3 years prior to that she served me a different shop multiple times. I even know what uni she probably went to, because I saw her in a hoodie of that uni. My autism's curse is that it allows me to remember inconsequential events from my life for unreasonably long periods of time.
Blew it as in, they binned you? Or just blew it as in, the first day was a bit awkward? Because if the latter then you are definitely overthinking.
These are everyday normal awkwardnesses. They're things I am hypersensitive to just like you, and that's why I can't for the life of me watch Peep Show. It's too real. But I can guarantee you nobody else will have thought nearly as much of those incidents as you did yourself.
Or, at least, if they did, they're autistically overthinking it too, and it'll just become an ourouboro... Orros of autism.
>>33888 >There was no bazinga.
Oh shit dude, but I like the way you type it. In truth I don't think anyone liked Sheldon, they tollerated him for his work - perhaps he shone from time to time.
You're going to get on well if you let youself relax and not beat yourself up for saying weird things. You probably didn't tell a Frankie Boyle joke, did you? People might think you're weird, you know you're probably a bit weird, just be weird and comfortable with it. A natural charisma will play through, everybody has something going for them.
Which colour would you prefer to a rose-tint, anyway? Some say transarency doesn't exist, least not in the human mind.
Thinking about it, it's probably poor rhetoric to tell you people don't like a character you indentify with. But I think it can be owned, right?
>>33889 >>33890 It's okay now. I spoke to a nice manager about getting a noise cancelling headset due to my autism, she was very understanding about my neurodivergence and mental illness, and accomodations are going to be made, and my noise cancelling headset is on its way. I can apparently have a 10 minute paid break every hour which I probably won't need but it's nice to have.
I had a 1 to 1 with my specific team's manager, he was a nice guy. The impression I got from him was that he expected me to have a sperg rage at any time, so I had to reassure him I'm really quite a together person despite my diagnoses.
Revealing my issues is very relieving, and I was silly for trying to pass as a normie when it didn't benefit me in any way.
Lads I need to talk about somthing but each time I try it becomes a lengthy rambling post I can't tie into a narrative nor can I keep from revealing which ugly user I happen to be.
>>33898 You can start a new thread, you know. You don't have to feel like you're "butting in", or whatever, in this one if you've got your own thread to post in. Ramble away!
>>33899 >>33900 Mate this is exactly why I checked out of live action socials in the first place, it's difficult to track an I simply can't keep up with the politics. Learning communication via anonymous imageboards, forums and chatrooms has clearly had an effect on my brain.
I don't want the attention I'm getting. I want the attention of other people. I want to achieve something notable and be loved for it.
None of this I am actively persuing. My home is uncomfortable, as though ready to move house. Members of family are moving long and far, those who aren't are becoming increasingly hostile.
And I've taken a liking to walking barefoot, stalking animals though the quietest hours of the night. Saw a huge fish last night and was almost ambushed by a fox. The swans have begun to recognise my by sight.
I really enjoy doing this but I think it's keeping me from making friends and improving my life during social hours.
It might actually be an option to start sleeping rough, locally, while keeping my home as weathershelter and storage. I think I could enjoy that - atleast I'd be outside with the animals. But I'd be sleeping all day, like current, and not actually engage with people socially.
I'm being abandoned again for like the 3rd notable time, and they're pretty much going away to fucking die. They haven't even sorted our[i] stuff from storage, all of my childhood memories [i]fucked off for fucking what, AGAIN?
I can understand why my brother blew his shit the other week, his abandonment issues are far worse than mine, with his only recourse being to hurt others before they hurt him.
I guess abandonment is the problem. I accept that they want to go, 'they're a gypsie after all' or some bollocks, but I can't keep myself from feeling the frustration of being left agaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaain. They say it's because of historical abuse - I don't know if I believe that anymore. My reason being that my entire life I've seen how they tell themselves thier history as a narative, regularly remindin themselves of their past as an identity claim, even repeating their sob story to some people because it didn't get the response the expected and presumed it wasn't correctly heard.
They're as confused as I am, if not more so. They're repeating the same behaviours they have for years, seemingly not getting themselves anywhere but the next month, next year.
I don't know what the fuck this is, I don't know why I'm typing it. Much love and cheers </3
Same, hence I won't go on the discord here even if I could really do with somebody to game and talk shit with. It would become too much weight if you always knew it's me.
Have you thought about getting a light one man bivvy tent or something? Sleeping rough does a number on you, but if you want to go for a nice long walk and wild camp for the night whenever you end up too tired to keep on, it's a different matter. It's very refreshing and positive even. If you don't go mental with loneliness.
I do sense loneliness and I sympathise. I don't know who it is you are referring to abandoning you but I know how you feel. I feel like it's always me who has to promise I'll always be there and never leave and it's always me who gets left in the dirt to heal another gaping wound. It's happened enough times now that I think I'm just unable to make new connections. I always thought that's a horrible emo cliche but here I am. Just too jaded and bitter to make friends with anyone despite how achingly lonely I am.
I think sometimes you've just to accept. Some people really never developed that part of their emotional and mental maturity where they understand that their actions have meaningful consequences on those around them. Like, not just that they are selfish but that they are genuinely unable to accept that you will suffer in the same way they would suffer were the tables turned. They think you have plot armour essentially.
Anyway I promise we won't break in and raid your flat while you're camping. Go on. It'll be fine. Treat yourself.
>>33902 >It would become too much weight if you always knew it's me.
I don't know that that's true. We should hook up some time if you could suffer a morally questionable mong. I have a good heart when it's not dripping tar.
You know, there's this not-homeless woman who sits in town hopelessly begging. A few people have been warned away from her as ingenuine. Thinking about it she's probably driven by loneliness too. Last summer I occasionally bummed fags from strangers and figured I could resell them for some direct, concentrated social interaction. It's not much of a stretch to see how I could potentially sit on a street corner commenting to passers by like that woman. My behaviour is heading that way, so it seems.
Next time I see her I'll probably sit down with this not-homeless woman, give her a couple of quid and hear what she has to say.
There have been a couple of other homeless, time-rich looking people about this summer. I've noticed them notice me but have never initiated contact. Maybe I should do? I'd potentially be inviting pricks into my life again, but they might be good people? Is that delusional? It's probably true that many people in those situations have some instability in their minds. Do I want to invite that? I wouldn't be bored, but it will colour other peoples perception of me.
I think what I'll try to do is spend next week as away from the house as possible. Come back to eat, rest in obscured spots around town. Maybe chat or comment to atleast 1 person in any six hour period. Feed the birds ..
I appreciate your time, friend.
As a passing note is it okay to want your friends and assosiates to be attractive? I was interacting with someone recently and found myself thinking "I'm not attracted to this person". I'm not sure if I meant sexually or generally. Attractive can mean many different things, right?
I properly hate how unattractive I am. I don't deserve teeth this wretched up or a head this fat, and even if I do? Fuck you, I'm still not happy about it.
>>33905 I once fell in love with a woman who had black teeth. Her smile was the most beautiful thing I'd seen. Fat heads, too - a double chin can look lovely on some people :)
Get comfortable seeing yourself in the mirror, mate. Treat it like a meditation - clear mind before your reflection. Experience and train your brian to think nothing inparticular at the sight of yourself.
This is sort of /job/, but the inner turmoil I feel means I'm posting it here.
I started a new job in September. I was assigned a work coach to shadow, who was very good, but his working pattern didn't match mine so I requested to change.
This new work coach had already had another group in my intake complain about her for being shit at coaching. I actually sat next to one of the people she was coaching and he kept telling me how shit she was. The way she handles lots of things contravenes the training we received, really sloppy stuff. I'm not learning much from her.
Today I met her in person for the first time, and she's a lovely old lady. She was upset that the other group complained about her, and she said the constant pain she feels from long COVID is lessened by the distractions of coaching and helping people. She said helping people was the best medicine.
Basically I want to request a competent work coach, because shadowing her is a waste of time. But she's lovely. And as coaching is so important to her, I would feel bad kind of showing I think she's shit.
I don't know if I need to go to a superior and say I want to change, but I don't want to reveal the reason is my coach is objectively bad at her job.
If I stick with her I will have no development.
If I request a change I might break her long COVID riddled heart.
>>33908 Could you ask her how other people do the same things? Could you find out some other way, and ask her how she feels about doing things that way?
>>33909 With the stuff she's doing wrong, it's not something like not following a procedure to the letter but still getting results. It's stuff that is incredibly important in our procedures, and she's avoiding doing it properly so she has less work to deal with.
>>33908 Coaching is important to her but she's not doing the work to keep the job. Work is a social club second to, well, work. It's going to feel bad but if you want to keep your job, too, you know what you have to do.
"I need to learn how to do [this thing you're avoiding] so I can perform well in my role" Thier response will inform further action.
I'm pretty sure you can get UC on longcovid anyway, so it's not like she'll be on the street.
Good luck :\
