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>> No. 23560 Anonymous
16th November 2016
Wednesday 6:49 pm
23560 Minor angst and existential dread, Mk. I
We tend to have a lot of repeated threads here, but I also get the feeling people don't tend to post in /emo/ unless it's a big issue.

With this in mind I suggest that we have a thread for stuff that's got you down a bit and you need to get off your chest, without it being major enough to make an entire thread devoted to it. We can also use it as a go-to for minor relationship advice, work problems, social drama, and things like that.

Everyone gets down from time to time, let's put some Sisters of Mercy on and wallow together for a while.
3279 posts omitted. Last 50 posts shown. Expand all images.
>> No. 32956 Anonymous
29th February 2024
Thursday 12:45 pm
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>>32953
>>32955

It's very cathartic when they go like this, and you get to do the look down and whisper "No." bit. That said, you are right to be careful because I would bet good money that the real drama is only just about to begin when she realises this won't work. Brace yourself.

Godspeed lad.
>> No. 32957 Anonymous
29th February 2024
Thursday 10:33 pm
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I have my first civil service workplace disciplinary coming up where I may leave with an official written warning for my performance. I'm due to speak to my trade union rep and have started to build some evidence. I'm a bit lost, I don't know what to do and I feel miserable. I'm too old to lose my career.

It's pretty small peanuts in comparison but I've also just started seeing a woman I have all of this going on and still need to be an okay guy with her which can be challenging.
>> No. 32958 Anonymous
1st March 2024
Friday 5:01 am
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>>32957
Sorry to hear that lad, horrible situation to be in. What's the disciplinary for? I've gone through the process from informal warning to being sacked from the civil service. Mine was excess sickness, so if that's your situation I may be able to give some top tips.
>> No. 32959 Anonymous
1st March 2024
Friday 5:04 am
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>>32958
I will add that if the trade union rep is worth his salt, he'll spend a lot of time talking with you to know the case inside out, and so he can utilise Yu-Gi-Oh trap card legalese shit.
>> No. 32960 Anonymous
2nd March 2024
Saturday 11:50 am
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Bit of a vent. To make a long story short. I may have already posted about this some time.
I was the victim of fraud back in 2020 where I stupidly gave some details over the phone (I was desperate for a job and they coaxed me into thinking I applied for a job with them) and they were able to set up some contract phones. I had dealt with it all and got it removed from my name etc apart from account which i did notify Virgin Media about but for whatever reason their customer service/fraud team are useless cunts.

This one "debt" of around £140 has been on my name ever since and it's been bounced between debt collection agencies which i contacted, made them aware of the nature of it then thought it was done only to then get reminded of it by another agency 6 months / 1 year later. My credit rating of 999 has been down then up, every time this happened.

Today I got a letter for it again from a new agency/legal company and this time they had a discount on it so apparently they only wanted £50 so I said fuck it, paid it off and hopefully I'll hear nothing else from them.

If they come back and for more or say by paying I admit to it I'm getting a solicitor involved since it's making me sick now. Maybe I should have done this to begin with but covid happened when it occurred and I wasn't in the best point in my life at the time.
>> No. 32961 Anonymous
2nd March 2024
Saturday 12:06 pm
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>>32960

I got stung by something similar a few years back, I had "upgraded" my phone with a seemingly legit company, who were apparently actually contracted through my provider; but they sent me the wrong phone. So naturally I sent it back, and they agreed to cancel the contract, but never did. I was being hounded for it for years despite providing all the evidence that they were in error and I had the right to cancel the contract under the circumstances.

That's one of the things that really took the scales off my eyes that actually, a lot of things in society are just there to con you and rip you off 100%. You have to be on your guard and sort these things swiftly and firmly at the very outset, because the civilised idea of there being consumer protection laws and regulators and such to prevent this, in an upstanding and decent country like hours, is nothing more than a comforting lie.

The whole system is set up to chance it and see what they can squeeze out of people who are too uninformed about their rights and fearful of consequences to stand up against it.
>> No. 32966 Anonymous
7th March 2024
Thursday 10:38 pm
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I'm hearing voices tell me to attack people and rape people and kill myself and shout slurs at people of other races I've had them years but I'm not finding them as troublesome as normal as it's sort of a break from the drudgery of work/life. Maybe I should embrace the fucked up entity that lives in my head?
>> No. 32967 Anonymous
8th March 2024
Friday 11:11 am
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>>32966
I'll be honest, the fucked up entity in your head sounds like kind of a nihilistic tosser. I'm being a touch hypocritical here because I am too, but apart from this one time, I'd recommend no listening to people like that. What I would recommend is talking to a GP or some other kind of mental health service before you irrevocably fuck your whole life up in a way that makes the "drudgery of work/life" look like a free buffet.
>> No. 32968 Anonymous
8th March 2024
Friday 7:11 pm
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Saw the personality disorder team person and the psychiatrist today. Psych referred me to PD team, but PD team think my emotional disregulation is due to autism not PD.

Psychiatrist asked why I hear voices telling me to attack people of colour, a hard thing to explain, but they're giving me more antipsychotics. I've never hurt anyone not me but it feeks bad telling someone the things that happen in my head.
>> No. 32969 Anonymous
13th March 2024
Wednesday 8:25 pm
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>>32957
I got a one-month review now with 3 big pieces of work. Then if I keep fucking up I'll get a warning. I don't know, I walked into the meeting with a prepared document for development and changes to work but my boss just listed off various hurtful accusations that I had to defend. It wasn't a productive conversation at all but I was able to be the adult and share a pre-prepared list of changes as well read off a separate appeal document I'd prepared to bat away accusations.

The problem is that now I keep making mistakes. Mostly typos and broken sentences in documents that destroy my work and now people are looking for them along with the general structure of my writing which makes even simple tasks extremely stressful and suddenly I'm spending an hour crafting a paragraph. I think part of the problem is I keep getting distracted by everyone approaching me for help and general side quests that fucks over my focus but gives me amazing feedback from the people around me.

>>32958
It's performance for me. The kind that makes me wonder what the hell I'm going to do with my life and if my career is over and I've got to find something else to do.
>> No. 32970 Anonymous
14th March 2024
Thursday 5:40 pm
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I was talking to someone today whose child had recently died. I was being very sympathetic, but inside I was screaming "HA HA, DEAD KID CUNT, DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD, SHIT ON HER GRAVE, FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOUR DEAD KID".

Not psychosis by the way, just OCD.
>> No. 32971 Anonymous
14th March 2024
Thursday 6:25 pm
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>>32970
So you were thinking that compulsively, not because you actually felt it or believed it? You actually did feel sympathetic?
>> No. 32972 Anonymous
14th March 2024
Thursday 6:37 pm
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>>32971

We're all naturally ambivalent about most things. It's natural to sympathise with someone else's grief, but it's also natural to wonder why you're supposed to give a toss about other people's problems. I'd never actually scream "DEAD KID CUNT" at a grieving father, but some small part of me wants to do that. Like anyone, there are selfish and cruel impulses within my psyche.

My OCD traits magnify any thought I have that I know is unacceptable to express, but that's OK because I know that they're unacceptable. I can't control my thoughts, but I can control my actions. Every time I see a pram I think about knocking it over, but I've never actually done it, because the little part of me that is a sadistic prick isn't in charge.
>> No. 32973 Anonymous
14th March 2024
Thursday 8:50 pm
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>>32971
It's a known symptom of obsessive-compulsive disorder that when you're waiting on a train platform and there's a train pulling in, you get a weird urge to push someone in front of the train. I don't have OCD as far as I know, but I do get that feeling and I can happily accept that it's probably the same as what this poster is describing.
>> No. 32974 Anonymous
15th March 2024
Friday 1:26 am
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>>32970
I was at the hospital laughing at cripples
Then I heard your kid just died
Suddenly, that was funnier than the cripples
So I tracked you down and made fun of you

[Chorus:]
Your kid died, and you cried
And I thought it was funny
[x2]

It was an open casket wake
I spilled my beer in your kid’s coffin
Your mascara ran because you were crying
So I kicked your husband in the balls

[Chorus]
>> No. 32975 Anonymous
15th March 2024
Friday 4:04 pm
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>>32972
>>32973
Perhaps we're not really understanding each other; what I'm asking is did you feel sympathy for this woman? Like, perhaps I could be in the same situation as you and internally scream "ha ha dead kid cunt" in my head, and I'd do it not because of OCD but because my edgy teenlad side finds it funny. But I could never do that and also feel glad the kid is dead. I don't have a sadistic side that would express itself in that moment. So I'm asking is it a symptom of your OCD that it can blunt your empathy and make you sociopathic, or is it just intrusive thoughts that don't interfere with the way you actually feel?
>> No. 32976 Anonymous
15th March 2024
Friday 6:37 pm
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Saw the personality disorder team today for my second session of PD assessment. I told her I had a bad day and the only joy I got was the thought of going postal and gunning down my enemies. It's a bad thought an evil thought I know that. But those thoughts I increasingly get pleasure from them. She told me to imagine the people on a conveyor belt, and moving away from me, and dropping off the end. And she asked if that would help. But I told her it wouldn't because the people would still exist in reality. I told her I have thoughts to sexually assault and kill those who wrong me especially in the workplace and she said just put those thoughts on an imaginary leaf and watch it drift away down a stream. WHat I'm trying to say is fucking pointless.
>> No. 32977 Anonymous
15th March 2024
Friday 7:27 pm
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>>32976
>I told her it wouldn't [help] because the people would still exist in reality
As do they after your fantasies, right?
I think the point is that by imagining killing these people you're holding onto your frustration and ruminating over it, essentially winding yourself up. If you practised letting go, it would eventually lead to a lasting difference in your attitude and experience.

I put it to you that you like the fantasies, if only because they offer some brief relief from tension. That relief can come in much greater proportion with fewer distressing side effects than by your current coping mechanism.

Give it a go, mate. For a week, each time you catch yourself ruminating on violent or otherwise vengeful thoughts, just notice that you're doing it.
The next week take a mental note of the immediate effects after these thoughts, then the slightly longer effects throughout the day. How does it compound? Could it be feeding back on itself?
On the third week start to practice letting go by any mental image that is favourable to you - these people and their problems floating away on a leaf, by raft on a river, etc. Before long you'll beable to do without the mental image, and you're well on your way addressing your attitude and impulsive thoughts.
>> No. 32978 Anonymous
15th March 2024
Friday 7:27 pm
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>>32975
I guess it's intrusive thoughts for me. I don't want to harm people; it's just a really strong curiosity - "what if I did?"
>> No. 32979 Anonymous
15th March 2024
Friday 7:45 pm
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>>32975

>what I'm asking is did you feel sympathy for this woman?

Yes, but also no. On the one hand, I can imagine that it's an unbearably painful tragedy. On the other hand, there are countless people in the world experiencing horrendous tragedies on a daily basis and I'd go mad if I really thought about all of it. One part of me wants to do whatever I can to alleviate this poor person's suffering, but another part wants to diminish that suffering and distance myself from it to protect my own sanity. Both thoughts are equally true and equally valid.

>I don't have a sadistic side that would express itself in that moment.

Either you're genuinely a saint, or you're kidding yourself because your morality has never been really tested. Half my family are German, so they had some seriously fucking dark war stories. The German people didn't suddenly become awful bastards in the 1930s and go back to normal in 1945, they just revealed the fact that perfectly ordinary people are willing to be complicit in the worst crimes imaginable if society pushes them in that direction.

Most of the worst criminals of the Nazi regime saw themselves as good people, they just happened to live through a time when the meaning of "good" was perverted beyond all reason. We all like to imagine that in the same circumstances we'd bravely stand up for what's right even if it risks our own life, but very few people have any concrete experience of being tested to that level; we know from history that most people just go with the flow, look after their own interests and find justifications for their actions.

Have you ever hated anyone? Have you ever been so angry at someone that you wished them dead? Have you ever experienced schadenfreude when they got their comeuppance? Have you ever seen a tragedy in some far-off country on the news and felt nothing because it's too remote from your experience? Do you turn a blind eye to how the meat on your plate or the rare earth minerals in your smartphone got there? What's really going on in your head when you laugh at an edgy joke?

Everyone has a dark side, it's just that some people have the luxury of pretending that it isn't there.
>> No. 32980 Anonymous
15th March 2024
Friday 11:59 pm
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God, I hate having to be happy for people when I'm having a shit time. Why don't you have a shit time too, you selfish in love/new job/lost weight arseholes.
>> No. 32981 Anonymous
16th March 2024
Saturday 1:53 pm
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Very much in a downward spiral tbh. I was holding on to have of pulling myself out slowly but things aren't improving and I'm just running out of the effort to keep gritting my teeth through it.

Spending money on drinking and drugs and bailing on plans the rare occasions I make them because I just wake up and can't be bothered. I tell myself I'll spend my time on creative and productive hobbies when I have the time off work but then end up sacking it all off and doing pointless time wasting shit, then regret wasting the time when I have to go back to work. I just have very poor impulse control and I don't know what happened, I used to be very good at cracking on with things.

I suppose I have it better than lots of people, but I spent so much time and effort working hard to get my own place and then thought I'd feel secure and stable and it'd help me get a grip on everything else. But it just feels fruitless. A treadmill that just keeps moving faster and I sacrificed so much to get here. Nothing gives me the joy it used to.

Usually this is a temporary feeling but it's really becoming hard to ignore now.
>> No. 32982 Anonymous
16th March 2024
Saturday 3:56 pm
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I am day drinking. This is a new one.
>> No. 32983 Anonymous
17th March 2024
Sunday 5:10 pm
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I've got my return to work tomorrow. I was off on Friday due to sickness (mental health). I got my final written warning about 3 weeks ago, where I am allowed one absence of up to three days every quarter for the next year. So I've got to not be unwell for three months. I'm very unwell mentally maybe the worst I've been in 12 years of mental illness. I don't really know how to answer the questions. They gave me shit last time for not using the counselling service they hire a third party company to do over the phone, even though I am certain that would be ineffective considering I'm under a mental health team who provide actual accredited talking and medical therapies.
>> No. 32984 Anonymous
17th March 2024
Sunday 8:15 pm
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>>32983
You probably have to use those services anyway, just so they don't have that excuse next time they yell at you.
>> No. 32985 Anonymous
17th March 2024
Sunday 9:28 pm
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Is it true they reduce the proportion of helium in commercially available cannisters nowadays? I'm at the end point now, and I think an exit bag is my best bet.
>> No. 32986 Anonymous
18th March 2024
Monday 1:13 am
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>>32985
Probably. But also, I am pretty sure that helium is a horrible way to die. What's up?
>> No. 32987 Anonymous
18th March 2024
Monday 6:59 am
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>>32986
I just fail at everything, I have no friends, my job makes me want to die, I've tried life for three decades but it's simply not for me. It's approaching 12 years since I was diagnosed with a mental illness, and I feel I have just deteriorated significantly over that period. I want to be a normal person. I want to live a life where I don't have a constant sense of dread in the pit of my stomach. Sorry for being all self pitying but I really don't want to exist.
>> No. 32988 Anonymous
18th March 2024
Monday 8:52 am
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>>32987

>I just fail at everything

I'm sure it feels like that, but I'm equally sure that it isn't true. Surely you've achieved something, even if it's just a bronze swimming certificate. You can rebuild your sense of self-confidence and self-efficacy, although it's not an overnight process. It sounds naff, but tackling small problems and achieving small goals will retrain the rigidly pessimistic bits of your brain to recognise the possibility of success.

>I have no friends, my job makes me want to die

These are practical problems that can be fixed. Are you really fundamentally unlikeable, or do you just not put yourself out there? Are you regularly doing something like a club or class that'll put you in contact with the same people every week? Are you inviting people to things and accepting invitations that you're offered? Have you lost contact with people who might welcome a call from you?

If your job is that bad, just get signed off sick and go on the dole for a bit. Give yourself some breathing room to see things in context. There are other jobs in the world and some of them probably won't make you feel suicidal. I know what it's like to be so depressed that you can't imagine any kind of future - in those circumstances, the only effective strategy is to do different things until your brain recognises that change is possible. Do a bit of volunteering, try something part-time, apply for an apprenticeship, go on a course, whatever. If you don't try new things, there's no possibility of discovering something that you enjoy or that you're good at.

You're stuck in a rut and it feels like there's no way out. There might be no way out, I don't know, but at least try something. If you honestly feel ready to die, then you've got nothing to lose by taking a punt on something else.
>> No. 32989 Anonymous
18th March 2024
Monday 9:12 am
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>>32987

I sympathise, but if I were taking a very pragmatic perspective I think the thing to start with would be:

>my job makes me want to die

If the very thing you rely on for your survival and livelihood makes you miserable, it will be very hard to make friends and succeed at other things in life.

I have also worked terrible jobs and finding ones with better conditions was a huge step forward for me, mainly because I had more energy and willpower to tackle other problems.
>> No. 32990 Anonymous
18th March 2024
Monday 10:28 pm
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>>32987

This will piss everyone off but you're probably not eating enough. You need energy to feel good and to fix problems, particularly in a stressful environment. Adding a pint or two of milk a day and much fruit is a good idea. Generally most people are both starving and overweight.

Another reason I say this is because it's something you can do now. Better jobs can take time — it also probably isn't that bad. Eating well and enough compounds pretty quickly too.
>> No. 32991 Anonymous
19th March 2024
Tuesday 4:10 pm
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>>32990

No actually straightforward advice like this can be really helpful. I honestly wonder how much of my lowest moods and highest stress moments have just been the result of a lack of sleep.
>> No. 32992 Anonymous
19th March 2024
Tuesday 4:33 pm
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>>32991
Not sleeping or eating properly will absolutely fuck you over. Otherlad is right.
>> No. 32993 Anonymous
19th March 2024
Tuesday 7:40 pm
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Do workplace occupational health services deal with mental health? My manager has refused to refer me to mine for months, saying he thinks it's just physical health. But I'd be pretty surprised if the occupational health service of a massive corporation in a building with probably 600 staff wouldn't deal with mental health as it's the biggest issue of the now.
>> No. 32999 Anonymous
22nd March 2024
Friday 6:50 am
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I'm feeling really torn and confused right now, I'd appreciate a bit of insight. Get ready for a wall of text.

Since confessing to the affair my ex's mental state has completely fallen off a cliff, to the point she's suicidal and self-harming. One day she came home work three hours late because she'd been talking to a couple of colleagues about this and they'd been on the phone with the NHS; I was expecting her to get sectioned, but mental health services in this country are piss-poor. She should be starting counselling or some other form of treatment next week.

I think the largest reason it happened is because she hasn't mentally been in a good place for well over a year, she's got a lot of unresolved trauma from her childhood, and he took advantage of her being in a vulnerable position. If what she has told me is true then they met up at a hotel for sex on three occasions and in his car for kissing and whatever else somewhere between a dozen and twenty times, for the latter usually after work but at least once on a weekend after she'd dropped our daughter off to go shopping with her friends.

The first time it happened they'd been sending innuendo jokes about something at work on the Wednesday evening. On the Thursday he kept touching her arm and things like that at work, testing the waters; she didn't stop him, followed by flirty texts that evening. On the Friday he asked if she wanted to go for a drive after work under the pretence to talk because he could tell she was stressed out by work. He kissed her, she kissed him back, he put her hand on his knob through his jeans before getting it out, he asked if she was okay with this, she said yes, he guided her head to her knob and she sucked it for a couple of seconds before freaking out, which I don't know if that was because of regret or because they were in his car and were worried about being seen. They were managers of different teams so I think he was the only person she could vent to about certain work issues.

Apparently nothing happened after that for a month. It was the last week of school holidays and we'd had a few really nice days as a family as we'd both taken time off but he messaged her saying to book a hotel for the Friday and she went ahead with it. She said she was off to meet up with people from a hobby she's in so I was at home baking with our youngest, pleased that she was making friends, while she was actually off doing that.

It sounds like everything was on his terms and he was only using her. He was always the one to initiate. Apparently the sex was shit (although she would say that anyway) because he had no interest in foreplay or doing what she wanted; he was entirely selfish and only cared about getting himself off. He started being really disrespectful to her once it started. Yet she kept going back for more. According to her she wasn't attracted to him (I can believe that as he is an ugly person inside and out) she was flattered by the attention (until then I'd been the only person she'd kissed) and the excitement of it all stopped the negative thoughts in her head for a while.

I realise I've made it sound like I'm excusing what happened, but I'm not. I'm really not. Just because she was in a low mental place doesn't justify what she did whatsoever. She's still responsible for that. I did have my suspicions in September something was going on, not once did I suspect with him because of how manky he is, but when I asked her about it she denied it at the time; I've confronted her on this and she said she didn't admit to it then because it was still fun and enjoyable. The whole thing only stopped because someone sent a message on Facebook to his partner in January. A month later someone sent me a message about it, apparently it was an open secret at work, but I don't use Facebook much so she went on my account and deleted it. I've only got her word that she told me out of guilt (once it was over and no longer 'fun') rather than because she was worried I'd find out from elsewhere.

Anyway, this brings us to now. I started being nice to her for reasons I can't entirely get my head around. I think it was a combination of showing her how good we could have been, wanting her to realise what she was going to lose, knowing I needed to learn to be civil for the sake of our kids, to keep her on side while I buy her out and realising we're going to be stuck together for months while this happens so I might as well try and make this as tolerable as possible. We've been getting on better than we have in a very long time and, well, we've ended up sleeping together. It's been the most intense sex we've had in years, although half the time I either don't finish or take a very long time getting there because I'll get thoughts like "is this what she did with him?" in my head and I'll feel like absolute shite afterwards.

I really do not know what the fuck I am doing. Maybe if it was a one-time thing where she kissed him, instantly regretted it and told me I could have forgiven her and moved past it, but it wasn't. This went on for almost half a year, during which she lied to me and only told me after the event. How can I ever trust her again when she clearly can't say no to someone giving her attention, with the bar being clearly very low if she'd get with someone as disgusting as him? How could I ever be in a relationship with someone where I hate myself every time we sleep together? All of my friends say we should still split up, although the one I've talked to the most about it has said she'd understand if we tried again.

I found myself just staring at her last night and grinning, getting an intense feeling of love when I stared at her. We'd been in a rut and maybe this means we now realise how much we mean to each other. Maybe this is Stockholm Syndrome. Maybe I'm being love-bombed. Maybe I am being manipulated and she'll stay and do anything to stay together amd keep the fairly cosy life we had because she doesn't want to be alone. She keeps hinting she's worried she'd kill herself if she's on her own and a few weeks ago when she was desperate she was coming out with some truly vile things, threatening false rape claims, trying to weaponise the kids, threatening to use the fact I was sexually abused as a child against me, etc., so she can and will use manipulative tactics and what she's done means I can't believe her actions, nor is she the person I thought she was. Maybe things will be different if we try again. Maybe they won't once these intense feelings wear off and it's back to whatever normal is.

It's been a very intense month. Fortunately she's going away with her mum and the girls for one of the weeks over Easter because I think one of the big issues is that I'm not really having much time on my own to reflect, so some space would do us good. That said, last Saturday I had the day to myself so I spent it home alone drinking before self-harming and ordering shit off Amazon. I'm still working on the basis that I buy her out, she leaves and maybe I leave the door open for her if I can see she's putting the effort in to work on her problems, but I'm really stating to doubt myself. She is taking steps to work on herself, but I still feel like she's not taking full accountability for what happened because she always has an excuse to minimise what happened.

Thanks to anyone who has read all of this rambling. It's not making much sense in my head because I can't think straight and dont trust my judgment right now, so I'm not expecting it to make much sense to you lads.
>> No. 33000 Anonymous
22nd March 2024
Friday 8:42 am
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>>32999

It sounds like you're just working through the emotions of potentially not being with her. Ultimately she is the mother to your kids and you shared a deep bond. As I said in a previous post, you've had this put upon you, no time to prepare, so of course you're going through a tumultuous period as you mentally sort things out.

That said,
>I realise I've made it sound like I'm excusing what happened, but I'm not. I'm really not.

With respect, you are. This is no longer about the course of events leading to or during her affair. In fact, I don't think it's useful for you to go over all that in forensic detail. This is now about whether you can trust your wife as a credible source for the truth, to the point where you think she'd be a reliable partner in a relationship.

I'm being a bit blunt because there are very few other circumstances where you'd accept this nonsense from anyone else.

>She keeps hinting she's worried she'd kill herself if she's on her own and a few weeks ago when she was desperate she was coming out with some truly vile things, threatening false rape claims, trying to weaponise the kids, threatening to use the fact I was sexually abused as a child against me, etc., so she can and will use manipulative tactics

It sounds like she is in full damage-control mode, because as I said before, the situation has been taken out of her hands. She's probably terrified she will come off looking like the "bad one", and that she will have to accept others knowing some pretty unflattering things about her.

>A month later someone sent me a message about it, apparently it was an open secret at work, but I don't use Facebook much so she went on my account and deleted it

This wasn't just omitting the truth, then, but actively covering it up when others tried to tell you. That's not just a massive invasion of your privacy, but shows that she's willing to undermine others who are trying to help you, as well. That's an extremely dangerous precedent to set in a relationship.

>We've been getting on better than we have in a very long time and, well, we've ended up sleeping together.

I do not think it is a coincidence that you have "the most intense sex you've had in years". She is not a passive actor during sex. She is deciding to have sex, whether it is with you or other people, and it's seems likely to me that she thinks of it as a tool to get things that she wants. Whether it's excitement, or self-affirmation, or to keep a "normal" home life.

How much are you willing to excuse (and you are excusing it) because you genuinely believe she's "working on herself"? What sort of actions would you even want to see from her to show that she can be a reliable partner?

>I can't think straight and dont trust my judgment right now

Didn't you say your mum had your back a little while ago? I mentioned before, I strongly recommend that you keep people around you who have your best interests at heart. Find as many of them as you can and keep consulting them, if possible, just like you're doing here.

You are in serious danger of being open to manipulation in a very vulnerable state, and your wife has shown herself to be capable of completely disregarding your wellbeing.

>I spent it home alone drinking before self-harming and ordering shit off Amazon

It hurts me to read this because you haven't done anything wrong in this scenario. Don't be a martyr for her, your life is valuable regardless of her actions. If not for that reason, then because you have kids that will still want a healthy and happy dad.

I think the biggest caution I can give here is about how your daughters will come around to seeing this. If your wife is willing to do all of the above, then it is very possible she'll try to alienate you from them, or spin these events in a way that makes you appear at fault. I don't know specifically what she threatened, but you really should be maintaining your relationship with your kids.
>> No. 33001 Anonymous
22nd March 2024
Friday 10:40 am
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>>32999

She were happy enough when she was getting her own way weren't she, eh?

I'm sure she's having a very rough time now that she's realised she's thrown it all away, but that's nit your problem. She gave up the right to be your problem when she shagged another bloke. Multiple times.

She has consistently behaved in a selfish manner and you are a nice bloke so naturally you empathise and you want to help but you have to draw a line. An affair is definitely that line.
>> No. 33002 Anonymous
22nd March 2024
Friday 12:15 pm
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>>33000
It sounds like a real shame that she has ruined her relationship with you. But she has. It’s gone. Right now, it seems like you are doing everything right (apart from having sex with her, which I would advise you to stop doing), but you need to not change your mind about this. On some level, I think the best thing for her as well is certainty. So make sure you are both certain that you aren’t getting back together. It will feel tough at times, but that’s inevitable; a bad thing has happened and it’s going to feel tough whatever you do. So make sure it feels tough because you’re doing what’s right.
>> No. 33003 Anonymous
22nd March 2024
Friday 12:48 pm
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>>32999

This woman knows how to emotionally manipulate you, that's exactly what she's doing, and you're falling for it like a complete mug.

I'm sorry, I don't want to be a cunt about it, but I knew this is how it'd go and that's why I told you to get shut of her as soon as possible. Get rid mate. You can't have her in your life because you are incapable of resisting her manipulation, and it will not end well for you.
>> No. 33004 Anonymous
22nd March 2024
Friday 1:30 pm
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Thanks lads, think I needed a bit of a wake-up call.

>>33003
>that's why I told you to get shut of her as soon as possible. Get rid mate.

Unfortunately it's not that straightforward. She legally has the right to live here so it's a case of waiting however many weeks/months it takes to buy her out and even then she could refuse to sign the paperwork.
>> No. 33005 Anonymous
22nd March 2024
Friday 9:09 pm
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Being on benefits longterm is bad for my self esteem. I feel worthless. My day to day life is okay and I don't mind the idea of not really being anything when I grow up (I'm 35) but the idea that I might never share intimate connection with other people is upsetting.
I saw an attractive woman on the bus today, she seemed open and inviting of interaction, yet myself being a spotty mess who's not changed their bedsheets for months, nor showered, or who's wipeing their arse with a wet rag because for one reason or another 'can't' buy toilet paper .. it just doesn't fit that I'd be talking to someone beautiful.
Okay so buy some better clothes, wash regularly .. but it's still me. It's still this man-child who sits at a computer for 12 hours a day, waiting for death.
So go to work, start making myself more valuable - I don't know if it's actually true or just become true through repeated belief that I can't work due to overwhelming stimulus. The idea of finding work that I can cope with is terrifying because it'd mean I actually have to do something.
A recent finacial experiment has shown that I can live on a reletively small amount of cash per month, excusing council tax for the time being. That could possibly mean I can work minimal hours per week to maintain most my lifestyle. From there I could practice better working and coping habits to improve my value as a person so I might one day feel worthy enough to talk to attractive people.
>> No. 33006 Anonymous
22nd March 2024
Friday 10:06 pm
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>>32999
Yeah what the otherlads said but also it's not good to self-harm, I don't say this lightly but I think you need to get therapy and to start spending more nights in the week at friend's houses. Maybe even see if you can get some rebound shags in with someone else - get over someone by getting under someone etc.

>>33005
Why are you gauging your self-worth through gawping at people at the bus stop? Yeah I get it though, I'm 34 and still feel lost in life. Even if I have a job that a lot of people might envy and a bit of money in the bank I still feel like a fucking loser.

I don't like my job but it does at least distract me and give me a sense of self-worth, but so does having a little hobby - in fact I've had some incredibly tough times at work lately but going to language classes in the evening has been an essential escape for me. I'm not sure if minimum hours is the right way to look at it, it's more like you need to actually create a life you enjoy living.
>> No. 33007 Anonymous
23rd March 2024
Saturday 5:25 am
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>>33005

I've been in your situation (worse, in fact) and I've got out of it. I'm going to give you a practical plan for becoming a more-or-less normal and functioning member of society by Christmas. You're going to have to do the work, there will be scary moments where you have to take a bit of a leap, but I don't think any of it will be properly overwhelming. Most of it will seem fairly obvious, which is sort of the point - it's all quite straightforward common-sense stuff, you just need to start chipping away at it bit-by-bit rather than being overwhelmed by the whole process.

First, start with the basics of self-care. Have a wash, do some laundry, clean up around the house. Make a to-do list if you need to, put a reminder in your calendar, whatever it takes to actually get it done. I know it might seem demoralising to have to work at something so basic, but you've got into bad habits and it takes time and effort to build new habits. With any luck, you should start to feel a tiny bit more confident.

Next, sign up to do some voluntary work. There are loads of opportunities available, it won't affect your benefits and most charities will cover your travel expenses and give you a few quid for lunch. Don't take on too much to start with, you just want a couple of afternoons a week to ease yourself in. It doesn't particularly matter what you do, pick anything you think you'd like (or at least tolerate), you're just looking to get used to a routine of getting out of the house and interacting with people. Think of it like an exercise regime - if you try to go from nothing to a marathon you'll collapse, so you need to start gently. Again, gradually building up good habits and self-confidence.

https://getvolunteering.co.uk/

Once you've been volunteering regularly for a couple of months and you've got comfortable with doing two or three days a week, start thinking about training. One option is a government a scheme to get people back into work post-pandemic called the Skills Bootcamp. There are a range of work-focused courses available. They're all free, they're all less than 16 weeks and there's a guaranteed job interview at the end.

https://www.gov.uk/guidance/find-a-skills-bootcamp

You could also consider an apprenticeship. They're open to anyone, regardless of age or experience. You'll get paid to do a mix of work and learning. The money is rubbish - £6.40 an hour from April - but that's precisely why employers are willing to take people on as apprentices even if they've got no work experience or big gaps on their CV. If you're willing and able to subsist on that amount of money, there are some really good opportunities to get some experience, get a qualification and move onto something better.

https://www.gov.uk/apply-apprenticeship

I'd also suggest trying to be honest with people about your situation. I imagine you're feeling a certain amount of shame or perhaps even self-loathing, I expect that's part of the barrier that's stopping you from making positive changes, but I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at how supportive most people are if you tell them "I've got into a real rut, my self-confidence is really low, but I'm trying to build myself up and get into work". In my own experience, I had a real turning point when I "came out" as a loser so to speak, when I stopped hiding away from the world and started admitting to people that I needed help to rebuild my life.

You can do this. It won't be easy, it won't happen overnight, but it'll also be easier and quicker than you probably think. It isn't rocket science, you just need to focus on chipping away at the things you can do immediately to avoid being overwhelmed by the scale of the task as a whole. Wash your bedsheets, have a shower, buy some bog roll and think about what you can do tomorrow.
>> No. 33008 Anonymous
23rd March 2024
Saturday 1:11 pm
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>>33006>>33007
Thanks for your time, both.
The getvolunteering link is especially helpful - there are numerous positions available where I'm at, some of them even in skillsets I'm interested to develop.
>> No. 33009 Anonymous
23rd March 2024
Saturday 3:54 pm
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>>33005
I would advise to be picky with jobs unless you're absolutely, 100%, desperate for money. It's better to be on benefits and be discerning with what you go for, than going for the first thing that comes up. Going through the interview, the induction, a couple of months work before you're sacked/resign due to stress.
>> No. 33010 Anonymous
23rd March 2024
Saturday 5:23 pm
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>>33009

I've got mixed thoughts on this. If you've been long-term unemployed, then I'd certainly recommend starting off with some voluntary work or something part-time to get you back into the habit of working without becoming overwhelmed. If you want to return to education or do an apprenticeship, then that's certainly a good option. If you just want to get a job, you might not be in a position to be too picky, because employers aren't keen on hiring someone with no recent work experience. On the flip side of that coin, it means that getting any job will make it easier to get the next thing you apply for.

It's a personal thing and obviously a lot will depend on your mindset, your motivation and your level of resilience. There's a subtle but very important difference between being depressed and being demoralised; having a job and earning a wage won't cure depression, but it can radically change your outlook if you aren't clinically depressed but just have low self-esteem. I wouldn't advise anyone to take a genuinely horrible job, but a bad job is a lot more bearable if you see it as a stepping stone rather than a dead end.

Speaking personally, I got out of long-term unemployment by just going into an agency and saying "I've got no qualifications, I haven't worked in years, but I'll do literally anything". I ended up on night shifts in a factory, which was bloody grim but it was also a turning point for me. The work was hard and boring, the hours were knackering, but it made me feel like a proper person again. Minimum wage felt like a king's ransom after years on benefits. I was still living in a poxy bedsit, but I could save up, I could treat myself to little things, I could start to make plans for the future. There's no way I could have stuck it out there for more than a few months, but I didn't have to, because getting that job on my CV gave me the confidence and the opportunity to find something better. I had proved to myself and to an employer that I was a useful human being.
>> No. 33011 Anonymous
23rd March 2024
Saturday 8:53 pm
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Been off sick for over a week. Checked my work emails this evening (bad idea). Someone has gone above my head and done something which has pissed off an already pissed off customer, now some cunt is emailing me and copying in my manager saying I need to sort it.

Boils down to customer wanting a refund. I'm told by senior team that I can only refund to the original payment method, not another bank account. But a dumb bitch has refunded to that other bank account, which has fucked up the customer's finances, now they're mad their account is in debit. Boring shit. But annoying. Why do I get bollocked if I don't note up every single element of a complaint but then some numskull comes along and disregards it all.

I burned myself a few times as that's the only way I can deal with work stress it helps me retain control of myself. This is why I say be picky with jobs, the wrong job can drive you doolally.
>> No. 33012 Anonymous
23rd March 2024
Saturday 11:10 pm
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>>33011

You the lad who was on about applying for uni etc to get out of the job? Stay off sick. Call your doctor and get a sick note, tell them you are self harming, that's one big sign it's serious and you're not skiving.

Ride it out as long as you can. They'll eventually weasel out some way to sack you but fuck them. Just stay off sick for as long as possible while they still have to pay you some form of sick pay. Once you've milked that go on bennies until your uni course.

Look after yourself mate. It's really not worth putting your own health on the line for the capitalist overlords. Fuck them, take what you can.
>> No. 33013 Anonymous
27th March 2024
Wednesday 8:22 pm
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I feel with total clarity that I will take my own life this weekend. My partner is away for a few days so it's the perfect time to do it. I might not go through with it, I don't know. But I feel like life just isn't for me. I've tried for over 30 years. Enough's enough. I just want peace.
>> No. 33014 Anonymous
28th March 2024
Thursday 8:03 am
33014 The Dead Can't Enjoy my Terrible Writing
>>33013
Look, as someone who has suicidal thoughts basically every day of the week, I'm entirely the wrong person to be giving you any advice. Having said that, we've got plenty of time to be dead later, yeah? There are a million better ways to embrace oblivion than topping yourself anyway. You could hobo around Cumbria or join an "alternative community", become a v-tuber or see if the military will take you. None of it's ideal, but it beats the shite out of Nothing, and that's all you're getting with the being dead. And while it's just my opinion I don't think you'd suit being dead in the first place, because while it might seem like "life isn't for you", is that because life's pretty shit? I won't presume, but if you'd only ever eaten burnt-to-carbon pizza, you wouldn't have a fair opinion pizza, would you? It's also worth noting that your grasp of English puts you a cut above at least half the country in the brain-stakes, meaning in addition to your personal feelings on the matter, your life is not one society can afford to lose. Despite my glib tone I am absolutely serious in everything I'm saying, and as a final word of advice, almost every single person who attemps suicide and fails says it was a terrible mistake (to attempt, not fail, just so we're clear).

You can see why I don't volunteer with the Samaritans. Speaking of which, the Scottish bloke I spoke to there back in January made much more sense than I do, so it might be worth giving them a call.

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