>>9430
That's almost as interesting as that time nobody was hurt in a fire. Almost.

>>9430
I try to stick to local news to get out of the depressing torrent of international news being spewed out every nano-second, but I'm hit with nauseatingly mundane shite that isn't worth the megabits it's hosted on.

I wonder if there are any lads who don't read a jot of any news - none at all.

>>9432
I read what's linked to here and elsewhere if it looks interesting but I never actively browse or watch news media and I don't read any papers either.

>>9430
I love that.

>>9432
I gave up on the website for my local paper because it was too clunky to navigate and they went overboard with ads (I usually check the news at work so adblockers aren't an option) but I check their Facebook page daily, mainly for the smart arse puns and comments or when the family members of some scrote turn up to defend him "YA DONT KNO HIM. HE'D DO OWT FOR ANYBODY" after they've been sent down for glassing someone in the face.

>Huddersfield charity shop finally says goodbye to a shutter which lasted 26 years

B-but that shutter was important to keep that shop safe at night!

>>9432

I gave up keeping up with the news for the sake of my mental health. I find that paying too much attention to the news (and in particular, newspaper opinion pieces about said news), gives you an awfully bleak view of the world and the people who inhabit it.

>>9430
Now that's not fair, the article makes it clear it's notable for being one of the longest-lasting in the country. Hardly front-page material yes but whenever something is the Xest in the country I for one am interested to hear about it.

>>9440
>it's notable for being one of the longest-lasting in the country.

I doubt this is something which can be easily verified. It's been a while since I read the Guinness World Records, but I can't recall there being a section on shop roller shutters. I find it hard to believe there is a comprehensive list of the age all shop roller shutters up and down the country in order to make such extravagant


claims and I can't imagine the journalist covering this at the Huddersfield Examiner went to such lengths to verify the facts.

>>9441

I'm willing to believe if I walked down my high street I could find shutters from 1990. I might even find one or two buildings older then that too.

>>9442

The ones on old department stores look like they've been there as long as the shop, which is often fifty or more years.

http://www.oxfordmail.co.uk/news/14230847.Pupils_live_like_kings_for_a_day_for_visit_to_medieval_manor/

From what I can ascertain, this is a news article about a school trip. To a manor house 15 miles up the road.

The local news business is in a shit state. eBay and Gumtree killed off their golden goose, the small ads section. The announcements section has been mortally wounded by Facebook. Display advertising rates have been in freefall for years.

The result has been massive consolidation and rationalisation. Most local and regional newspapers are now owned by three massive groups - Newsquest, Local World and Johnston Press. Local papers are run on a skeleton staff; it's now common for three people to run half a dozen local papers from a single office.

Given these constraints, most local newspapers don't have the manpower to do real reporting. They're reliant on press releases and stories brought to them by members of the public. They'll publish any old shit that turns up on their desk and I don't blame them.

I was curious about my local news, I thought it would be too easy to use the town's paper directly, so I went regionwide - and front page news for an entire county is -

http://www.yorkshirepost.co.uk/news/education/the-school-run-pyjama-game-we-never-used-to-wear-them-in-huddersfield-says-mum-1-7697738

End of an era lads!

>>9447
Its probably more work than you would want but does anyone else find the idea of running a local paper with a couple of the lads interesting?

I can already picture myself putting together a valentines fluff edition asking couples how they met. Some pictures of an adorable elderly couple who met during the war, a couple who got together when their plane crashed in the Andes, "when he kept calling me a racist and correcting my grammar on .gs I knew he wanted to piss in my arse". Hit me up Journo lad, I could do with a career.

>>9444
Everyone has been on a school trip where they made you dress up like you were from them days. Most worthless school trip I went on was a Year 10 business studies trip to a Morrisons about 10 minutes walk away. That was a massive waste of everyone's time.

>>9448
>“We are trying to raise standards and get better outcomes for the children and we noticed a lot of the parents are turning up to school as well as meetings and assemblies wearing pyjamas, if we’re to raise standards it’s not too much to ask parents to have a wash and get dressed,” she said.

Mirth. Audible.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/wales/12126594/Grieving-familys-horror-as-pornographic-video-played-at-funeral-for-father-and-baby-son.html

>>9450

If we really wanted to raise standards (and raise self-reliant kids in the process), we would ban school runs to begin with and let those little bundles of joy walk to school or take the bus. Like other countries do. I've seen it in Germany, France, and Poland... from about age 8, give or take, children are expected to find their own way to school every morning, and their way back home, on their own, in the afternoon. What makes us so vastly different as a country that we have to have traffic jams in front of schools every morning, and parents practically walking their kids into the classroom?

>>9452

Like the US, we are heavily invested in oil/petrol. As a result of this, it's drummed into us from a very early age that cars are a necessity, and that it is impossible to live without one. I'd also be willing to bet that we spend less, relatively speaking, on providing reliable public transport in the UK compared to, say, Germany.

Services that are somewhat reliable tend to charge a lot more. It's not uncommon where I live to hear people say they 'could have hired a car' for the amount that they would spend on bus tickets.

>>9453

>Like the US, we are heavily invested in oil/petrol. As a result of this, it's drummed into us from a very early age that cars are a necessity, and that it is impossible to live without one.

Maybe. But you are forgetting that school runs are only a recent phenomenon of the last 20 to 25 years or so. Our "heavy investment" in oil and cars didn't really look all that different in the 90s or even the 80s.

I think that it's really helicopter parents who are to blame, and the old folk myths of child-snatching nonces that have resurfaced in recent years. Our culture has an unhealthy obsession with our kids. Add to that a pervasive and ever-present climate of fear in the post-9/11 world and parents' omnipresent fears of losing their jobs and status, in times when everybody is fully replaceable.

But still, we are fucked up, and we are raising fucked-up children.

>>9452
As a lad who had to walk for bastard miles everyday to get to school and back I can assure you that it didn't do me any good. Do you think I jumped out of bed in the morning and got to school in good order on those cold winter mornings? Did I fuck and in honesty my parents could've done a better job dropping me off on their drive to work.

Stop being a conformity-nonce just because the narrative sounds popular.

>>9455

I lived 1.5 miles from school when I was a younglad. There was a bus going from the bus stop 300 metres away, but it required you to get up 45 minutes earlier than you would have had to to catch a lift with Daddy who was going into work, or to ride your bicycle to school.

Which meant that usually, I would ride my bike to school, because it allowed me to leave from home just 10-15 minutes before school started (our neighbourhood was on a hilltop and the school was down in a valley, so it was pretty much just one big stretch downhill).

Except for grim winter mornings when our dad did give my brother and me a lift on his way to work, our parents would always tell us that getting to school was our responsibility, not theirs. And they felt that, within reason, you were never too young to learn responsibility for yourself.

All the competitive parenting mums will probably spit out their homemade organic gluten-free cupcakes with disgust at such a statement, but in truth, it did teach us independence and self-reliance, even as ten-year-old boys.

Would it have been nice to catch a lift with Dad every morning, who was more or less going in that same direction anyway? Yes. But in the end, I still think it was the right thing to do to let us fend for ourselves. I never thought my dad was an arsehole for only giving us a lift in the worst of weathers. That was how it was done in our family, and that was that.

When I have kids, I will do the same. Here's hoping my future wife won't be some helicopter mum who will think that that's all a no-go.

>>9452
>What makes us so vastly different as a country that we have to have traffic jams in front of schools every morning, and parents practically walking their kids into the classroom?

Paedo hysteria.

>>9457

Is it hysteria though? As a country we do seem to have more than other countries ranging from the Saville mega paedos down to toy shop operatives.

>>9459

Hm. I seem to recall that national crime statistics have shown a very robust decrease in sexual crimes against children in recent years.

It's easy to fall into mean world syndrome... but reality often isn't quite as grim as you make it out to be.

>>9460

Nonce enabler detected!

>>9461

Oh do fuck off.

>>9461

You're going to have to explain this picture.

>>9461
Adrian Chiles?

>>9460

I recall based on another thread digging through the NSPCC website and finding the definition of child sexual abuse being absurdly broad (children kissing other (all be it unwilling) children in normal play, and teenagers showing other teenagers porno being 'child abuse'). To try justify their existence by painting some sort of epidemic in number of 'victims'.

>>9466

I clicked on the image because that bird's left arm looks like an overly realistic dildo. I cannot un-see it.

>>9470

Well done, you. That was the point of that picture.

>>9470
I can't even make it look like her arm.

>>9466
That's some impressive cock-in-a-glass.

The latest from Hudds.

>She has been working hard capturing both mice and commuter’s hearts for the past five years. Now Huddersfield’s resident station cat Felix has received a purr-motion and a posh uniform to be envied by many a moggy. Felix has been named the railway station’s Senior Pest Controller, and is living proof in furry form that purr-severing with hard work can pay off.

http://www.examiner.co.uk/news/west-yorkshire-news/felix-huddersfield-station-cat-gets-10822899

>>9453

In the US we send our kids to school largely in the same way the continental Europeans apparently do.

>>9532

Armed?

>>9533

I giggled internally.

>>9526

This is the kind of sheep that the wool is spun from which is being pulled over our eyes.

And people are content sucking up fuzzy warm non-news like this, firmly barricaded inside their own bubble, ingoring all the world's problems that need solving while they prefer to watch Jeremy Kyle or Big Brother.

THIS is why the global elites succeed at subduing the common people.

I can hear Immanuel Kant rotating in his grave.

"Enlightenment is man’s leaving his self-caused immaturity. Immaturity is the incapacity to use one's intelligence without the guidance of another. Such immaturity is self-caused if it is not caused by lack of intelligence, but by lack of determination and courage to use one's intelligence without being guided by another."

>>9536

Has anyone ever suggested you might have schizophrenia? I only ask because you have paranoid delusions. One puff piece in a local paper where they struggle to find real news on their over stretched budget, does not mean that the new world order has taken over.

>>9538

>One puff piece in a local paper where they struggle to find real news on their over stretched budget, does not mean that the new world order has taken over

That's what THEY want you to believe, m8.

>>9538
>>9539

Not him,but I do find it quite hard to ignore the subtext of the piece in the context of Tory government cuts and the benefit scrounger narrative.

Look at this cat. This cat works harder than you. And he's more cost effective. The is no living wage in the currency of Whiskers. He even lives at work.

>>9540

With an ability like that to bend all information to have a hidden meaning demonstrating you are discriminated against you'd make an excellent feminist academic.

>>9540
In fairness Felix is adorable and I'm glad to read about his antics whereas the poor are generally unlikeable and reading about their hardships is depressing stuff that already know and cannot be helped.

Just being honest. This how how Cameron remains in power.

>>9543

both pigs AND dogs now!

>>9542

To be honest I think Felix the Station Cat as a tool of burgeoisie propaganda makes a hell of a lot more sense than anything involving the patriarchy.

>>9540
It's a wank article about a cat.

You people really need a cockslap.

>>9554
>wank article

How can an article using the puns purr-motion and paw-sition be wank? You people, honestly.

>>9555

Hm... I normally only wank to pictures or videos... not articles...

>>9555
Now we're just getting catty.

>>9559

Fat chance.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p03j3dwc

I live in Cornwall, land of the mundane news stories, although yours does take the piss a bit.

http://www.cornishguardian.co.uk/Anger-Newquay-irresponsible-dog-owners-leave-bags/story-28699634-detail/story.html

>>9561

I keep seeing round Birmingham, people who have gone to all the effort of bagging their dogs shit up, tied up the bag, and then just dropped it on the floor. It's just baffling, if you're not going to throw it in the bin, save your time and just leave it.

>>9561

>Nor is it a rare bird, or an offering to the pagan gods of spring.

You know your four years at liberal arts college weren't wasted if you get to pen lines like this for a local news piece.

>>9561

Same. Here's a personal favourite

http://www.falmouthpacket.co.uk/news/11513725.No_point_crying_over_spilt_milk__say_passengers/

>>9569
Wait a second, is there actually someone else on this board who's been in Falmouth all this time?

>>9569
Haha big up Falmouth. One of my favourite places to partake in drug abuse

>>9448
>>9450
>PARENTS have been spotted smoking cannabis on the school run, it has been revealed. Worried mums and dads saw individuals smoking spliffs as they dropped their children off at St John’s Primary in Radcliffe.

>The school has reported the issue to police and has warned that parents that they need to 'set a good example' for their children. The school deputy headteacher Deborah Binns sent a letter to parents on February 11 explaining the situation.

http://www.theboltonnews.co.uk/news/14279119.Parents_spotted_smoking_cannabis_while_dropping_their_children_off_for_school/

>>9597
Fantastic story. Doesn't every parent start the day with a bit of Wake & Bake?

>>9597
The loonies have taken over the asylum it seems.

>>9599
>loonies

It's all that WACKY backy.

>>9600
Well obviously. To be clear, I'm no subscriber to 'reefer madness' ideas but everything has a time and a place. You wouldn't be drinking a pint on the school run, I don't see weed as that much different in that respect.

>>9601

>You wouldn't be drinking a pint on the school run

Obviously, you didn't grow up in North London.

>>9438

More importantly, the attention of which media and news is given detracts from a sensible world; those who can only see the world in linear temporal events are more likely to be less perceptual. Past and future domimate the mind where the present is often unseen, unfelt and unheard. It's all Maya.

>>9602
No, but my entire family is from north London. They all still managed to avoid becoming degenerates.

http://www.thepoke.co.uk/2016/03/08/449-brilliantly-underwhelming-local-news-headlines-from-across-the-uk/

>>9785
I grew up in a rural area and our local newspaper was a constant source of amusement. Someone's wing mirror got dinged? Page two, police are asking for anyone who saw the incident to call in. Young lads shouting something homophobic at someone's house on a Friday night, police called to calm the situation? Front page gold, right there.

I went to visit a mate in my late teens who lived in some south London shithole and the local newspaper there was full of single mums injecting their babies with heroin and OD'ing, gangs of youths battering grannies and nicking their shopping, horrible shit like this.

It was a bit of an eye-opener.

>>9789

My ex girlfriend's parents lived in a rural village in Devon. And what qualified as news there was equally bewildering. One time, a mobile cement mixer was stolen in the night from a small local builder's business and was then the next day found again in a nearby creek. Clearly, it was some bored disaffected teenlads who for some reason thought it was fun to nick that cement mixer in the middle of the night, drag it across 200 metres of meadow, and then push it down a 30-foot embankment into that creek.

Anyway, that story became a two-column news item in the local paper the following Monday, and two days later, the fact that there was "still no lead on the cement mixer thieves" was worth another in-depth article to them.

Man 'left looking like Adolf Hitler' in his passport picture

http://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/greater-manchester-news/man-left-looking-like-adolf-11412791

>>9785
>49 brilliantly underwhelming local news headlines from across the UK
I'm not sure which was more underwhelming, finding out that my old town council was living dangerously with both getting a colour copier and stacking their tables in a different way, or that they somehow couldn't find a 50th "brilliantly underwhelming local news headline".

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oswFDlcQaSQ

>A police officer wore a woolly hat with the words "I love weed" while on duty and defaced a suspect's CV with the words "kiddie fiddler" and "paedo" during an investigation into allegations of child abuse, a disciplinary hearing has been told.

http://www.chardandilminsternews.co.uk/news/national/14552733.Misconduct_hearing_for_policeman_accused_over_woolly_hat__weed__slogan/

Cat saves woman from heart attack.

http://www.lichfieldmercury.co.uk/lichfield-cat-saved-owner-from-heart-attack/story-29410284-detail/story.html

Restaurant sends nasty tweet about job candidate.
http://www.walesonline.co.uk/news/wales-news/restaurant-tweeted-the-worst-candidate-11488650#rlabs=1%20rt$category%20p$2

>>10906

> “I asked about the salary and they said it was £18,500 for a chef de partie role,”

Are chefs really paid such a measly salary? I thought they could make mad dosh since they were paid hourly and worked lots of overtime.

>>10908

My understanding, from chefs and those who know them, is that it's generally quite a shite wage.

>>10909

This. Chefs don't make loads of money.

But - a friend of mine was training as a chef ten years ago, and he told me back then that it really greatly depends on where you work.

An ordinary restaurant will not pay well, but if you're good at what you do and manage to get a job at some fancy expensive place, then you can work your way up to a decent salary. When we last spoke, he was making a little over £25,000 as one of the head chefs at a country house hotel. I think that's not too bad.

>>10910
You'd have to pay me a hell of a lot more than £25k to work my arse off in a sweaty windowless kitchen on my feet for stupid hours every week.

Though they must be able to shag some decent waitresses, which is a bonus I suppose.

>>10908

I'd be surprised if that really meant salary. Normally they advertise £18k, but what they mean is £7.20 an hour at fifty hours a week, or whatever.

>>10910

£25k is pretty dismal for a head chef, unless the place is tiny. I was on £25k basic as a sous chef, not counting OTE bonuses.

>>10911

It's one of those daft careers you don't really do for money. If you're good enough, you'll be comfortable on a head chef's wage, but anything below that and you're definitely being underpaid for your skilled work.

I currently get £38k a year as a head chef, plus a potential extra £8k a year in bonuses based on profit, wage margins, and feedback scores. Its not too difficult to hit them. But it's taken me a long, long time of making a pittance to get to this point.

And yeah, banging waitresses is a pretty decent perk.

>>10910
> he was making a little over £25,000 as one of the head chefs at a country house hotel. I think that's not too bad
I get that much entering data into a database. How has he not killed himself yet? I'm pretty sure I will kill myself in this year.

>>10911

Everything has its pros and cons.

Some people will take that over being a pencil pusher in a dull office desk job, even if that desk job pays 10 grand more.

I've always been a fan of the idea that (within reason!), doing a job that you enjoy but doesn't pay stellar salaries is better than a self-loathing-inducing job that's great money.

>>10912

>£25k is pretty dismal for a head chef, unless the place is tiny.

I think he said something that it's a three-star country house hotel in the East Midlands somewhere. They've got two head chefs, it might be that my friend is some sort of junior head chef. I don't know, I don't really know the industry besides going to restaurants to eat.

>>10913

>I get that much entering data into a database.

I know somebody who worked his way up from exactly that, with a degree in geology, at an oil and gas exploration company. The pay was rotten in the beginning, about £20K. But then again, with a geology degree, you are lucky to be working in your field of study. Or working at all.

Anyway, he is now a team lead at their offices in Aberdeen and makes a healthy £60,000 a year and still has room to climb on the career ladder.

>A WOMAN who exposed herself and defecated in a busy supermarket car park has made a 'sincere apology', police say.

>The 44-year-old woman was seen by shoppers pulling her trousers down and staggering around before defecating in the Asda Bilton car park on Sunday afternoon.

http://www.hulldailymail.co.uk/woman-who-defecated-in-asda-bilton-car-park-says-sorry-after-police-warning/story-29425770-detail/story.html

>>10921

I could half understand urinating in a car park, or rather on the side of it near a hedge, where this woman seems to have been.

But to take a shit there is just uncalled for.

>>10930

Women are monsters.

https://www.vice.com/en_uk/read/why-do-women-keep-shitting-in-supermarkets

>>10932

> Karl Marx predicted that the proletariat will revolt if there is enough class-consciousness. The brilliance of this theory is that it cannot be falsified: that the revolution hasn't occurred yet doesn't mean it will never happen, it only means that here is not enough class-consciousness yet. So this could well be the start of the revolution.


Not having read Das Kapital, I may be wrong, but Karl Marx probably didn't write anything about people purposely shitting in public places to incite revolution.

That said, Henry Ford offered a slightly similar observation:

"It is well enough that people of the nation do not understand our banking and monetary system, for if they did, I believe there would be a revolution before tomorrow morning."

>>10932
https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/1vf6xo/i_do_your_bikini_waxes_and_we_need_to_talk/

>>10935

I don't know... our mum always made sure we would shower right before going to a doctor's appointment, or brush our teeth before going to the dentist.

I still do this today. I try to put doctor's appointments either in the morning or in the evening, so that either I've just showered after getting out of bed, or so that I will have had time to go home and have a quick shower after work before going to see a doc. Dentist appointments are an exception in that I just brush my teeth at the office right before leaving for the appointment.

Women really are worse about personal hygiene at times. Yes, they will shower, slap on their best perfume and put on their most seductive lingerie if they know they will have sex with you that evening. They will routinely wrinkle their nose at what they perceive as men's lack of interest in preventing body odours, and they will chide you for not washing your clothes the right way, for leaving dirty socks and empty pizza boxes in the livingroom, and for leaving microscopic piss droplets on the toilet seat.

But talk to any toilet attendant at a public restroom, for example at a club or even at a train station, and they will tell you that women are pigs with their toilet hygiene. There will be piss and water on the floor, more so than in the men's room, there will be toilet paper scattered all around, and sanitary pads will plug up the toilet bowl.

Women are simply better at covering their tracks and having the rest of the world believe they're uber cleanly beings.

>>10936
My friend at uni house shared with a bunch of girls and there were constant skidmarks in the toilet, sometimes pubes on the seat too, and shaved hair left unrinsed in the bathtub.

>>10937
I did too, women are fucking filthy. They were so squeamish about basic work like cleaning up that they paid me £5 to take the bins out.

>>10936
>>10937
>>10938
Women never lift the toilet seat up, so they go their whole life not realising the amount of splashback they leave on the underside of it, right near the front. Disgusting creatures, the lot of 'em.

>>10937
>>10938
>>10939

Another misconception is that woman tenants take better care of a flat they have leased. They may light scented candles and vacuum the floor, wipe down the cabinets and clean the windows regularly, but one of my parents' friends owns a few properties for rent, and according to him, it is usually electrical appliances and technical fixtures in a flat that deteriorate over time with woman tenants. Men are more prone to trying to fix something when it starts breaking down, or at least have it fixed. Whereas women will tend to just keep using an appliance until it breaks down entirely.

For example, my washing machine is starting to make grinding noises. I know that that's a sign that the bearings are starting to seize up, and I have started looking online for replacement parts which I intend to install myself. I've fixed my own cars since I was a teenlad, so hopefully, with a bit of information gathered from the Internet, this should be a piece of piss. The alternative would be to just wait for the bearings to start locking up, in which case the washing machine motor will eventually burn through. Which will be a lot more expensive than buying new bearings in time.

>>10940
I've lived in 2 houses now as the only man and I can corroborate what everyone is saying. Its sad how they are genuinely afraid of simple jobs considering men stepped up long ago to learn how to iron and sow.

Deport them all to Venus I say. Those that survive will at least have learnt what you need to do when a fuse trips.

>>10940
I hope this is a troll.

>>10942
No, it's the bearings wearing out, can't you even bloody read?

>>10943
If you've not yet looked inside, how would you know the difference between the bearings wearing out and a troll living in your washing machine imitating the sound of the bearings wearing out?

>>10944
How do you know that's not just how trolls speak? That's like saying all Chinkies sound like "ching chong nip nong nong". Racist.

>>10940
Are you a tenant? If so, your landlord is supposed to fix that for you at no cost to you.

>>10947

Yes, I rent. But I bought my own washing machine, as the flat came without one.

"Early-morning milk snatcher doing the rounds in Derbyshire!"

Read more: http://www.derbyshiretimes.co.uk/news/early-morning-milk-snatcher-doing-the-rounds-in-derbyshire-1-7994398#ixzz4DLKSWMG0

Coachloads of Chinese tourists flocking to Kidlington to pose for selfies splits opinion among baffled locals

http://www.banburycake.co.uk/news/14599799.Coachloads_of_tourists_flock_to_suburbs_to_pose_for_selfies_leaving_locals_bemused/

Also, no, it appears that it's a genuine paper and it really is called that.

The Facebook page "Angry People in Local Newspapers" is full of non-articles like this.

https://www.facebook.com/angrypeopleinlocalnewspapers/

>>11024
Having encountered the hordes of rude Chinese tourists in multiple countries, I knew it was only a matter of time before they got here. It's happening.

>>11121

Rude Chinese? They're probably from Hong Kong.

>>11122

Hong Kongers are a delight compared to mainlanders. Mainlanders who can afford to travel internationally are dreadful nouveau-riche types.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U8Kum8OUTuk

>>11120

http://www.kentlive.news/lover-not-convicted-of-sex-romp-with-girlfriend-whose-clothing-kept-falling-down/story-29624427-detail/story.html

>A man '110 per cent did not have sex with jailed mum-of-five Maxine Cocks in a park'

Some of my favourite bits from the report:

>They had just come from Ramsgate station and Cocks had a strawberry coloured onesie on that barely covered her breasts.

>He said: "We were messing about in the park. Maxine fell over a couple of times. Maxine's breasts fell out. She seemed to think it was funny. It was annoying. It got to a point where she didn't care.

>"I was pinned down and Maxine was on top of me. I did not pull my trousers down. Maxine was under the influence of drugs - having sex with her would be like taking advantage of somebody who was p*ssed, 110 per cent I never had sex with Maxine in the park. She was still on top of me when the police turned up."

Fuck I love living in Thanet. We haz proper slags here!

A bride whose brother died weeks before her wedding has made him a part of the day with a "miracle" photo.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-wiltshire-37119884

I can't cope with this. It's hilarious and freaking me out in equal measure.

>>9526

Felix the cat is doing a 5K run for charity.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-leeds-37050891

>>11121
Did you get that impression of rudeness from
>They are always very courteous

Or perhaps
>They do get very excited about it and really enjoy taking pictures in front of the gardens and flowers.
THOSE BLOODY SAVAGES. Take pictures of our flowers, will they? I suppose next they'll be capturing our dogs and barbequing them in the streets.

>>11394
>David Nelson, defending, said police had only one witness who claimed he saw Mr Sharp with his trousers down. He said to make the conviction stick the prosecution needed two witnesses to the act.
Christ is that all the burden of proof requires? 'Not one witness but two'?

>>11394

So... erm... if he had reciprocated her sexual advances... could you say that he would have been pleasuring Cocks?

http://www.gazettelive.co.uk/news/teesside-news/staffie-stolen-brazen-thieves-who-11807023

>A Staffie has been stolen by brazen thieves who bundled the dog into a car just yards away from her owner’s home.

>The dog’s owner and police are appealing for information following the theft of the brindle-coloured Staffordshire bull terrier which answers to the name Meg.

>Three-year-old Meg was stolen from the area around Kings Road and Henry Street in North Ormesby after she wandered off sometime between 7.10pm and 7.20pm on Monday evening.


If that doesn't warrant a full U.N. emergency assembly, I don't know what does.

>>11400
>A Staffie has been stolen by brazen thieves who bundled the dog into a car just yards away from her owner’s home.
The bastards. Why couldn't they pick it up and carry it half a mile down the road before bundling it into a car?

>>11397

They love black people in china and SE asia. Well, they find them ridiculous and they mock them. A friend who worked in Laos said the locals would just laugh in the faces of anyone of African descent doing the some job as him.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qxqzD29gBF8


Recently I've come to think of the culture of celebrity and the fandom that comes with it as something like Pokemon. People see a celebrity and go, "Shit, there goes a rare one! Take its picture!". Some people will ask for photos or autographs, but some people really do make a hobby out of it, like collecting stamps. I really do not understand why anyone would do this, especially not D-List UK celebrities that attend club nights to boost attendance. So I'm starting to think that it's either: people see someone that they've only seen in the media before, and get that Pokemon Go feeling that they've gotta catch 'em all/the moment, or that the people who are into that whole thing really do actually believe that being on TV = you're better than everyone else (otherwise, like, why would they put you on TV in the first place, I mean, duuuh).

Bit of a tangent. But that video of the Chinamen photographing the black guy makes me think it's more the former, with a sprinkle of the latter on top, because of this:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UfDXAA2MCD8

>>11402

You wouldn't think that non-white minorities would be racist against each other, but it does happen. Black people are indeed looked down on by some Southeast Asians.

I used to go to an Asian supermarket in East London regularly to get my ingredients for Asian dishes, and one time, the owner was shooing away two young black guys who were just hanging around in front of his shop. And then he turned to me and said in his Chinese accent, "They're bad for business, and I don't want them here".

>>11403
>Black people are indeed looked down on by some Southeast Asians.
I actually witnessed the opposite of this once. A black woman shouting at an elderly Chinese man at a bus stop, about how Chinese people are scum and should be wiped off the face of the earth (her actual words).

My instictive reaction was "how could a black person possibly have an issue with Chinese people?", then I quickly realised that very thought process is a reflection of my own subconcious prejudices.

>>11404

>My instictive reaction was "how could a black person possibly have an issue with Chinese people?", then I quickly realised that very thought process is a reflection of my own subconcious prejudices.

Yeah, prejudice is a strange thing. I'm sure at that moment, it kind of blew your mind that a member of one ethnic minority would go against the member of another ethnic minority.

But even that already shows what kind of an ignorant world we live in as white people. People of minorities not behaving like a minority member, and putting themselves at the giving end of racism for once?? Pah, preposterous!!

>how could a black person possibly have an issue with Chinese people?

I'm curious too, the Chinese have been one of of the great civilisations of human history, blacks have a few sticks in the mud as their history.

>>11402

Most Chinese people have never met a black person, even in big cities. There isn't much malice, they're just a curious novelty. Attitudes are starting to change, mainly through sport. The Chinese are mad about basketball, so some retired or failed NBA players are playing in the Chinese leagues.

The really weird thing is that Chinese companies will hire white people to stand around at business events. They're used as a sort of prestigious window dressing.

http://www.vice.com/en_uk/read/chinas-rent-a-foreigner-industry-is-still-a-real-thing

>>11408
I was in Evian last year and several groups of Chinese tourists started photographing and posing with a black girl, probably about 9 or 10 years old, just minding her own business in a playground. It was quite surreal.

>>11409

My great-granddad took part in the allied invasion of Germany at the end of WWII. When I was little, he told me once that when they entered Germany together with the Americans, there were a lot of Germans who were quite bewildered at the sight of a black person (the Americans in particular apparently had quite a few black people among their troops). Because there had really not been many black people living in Germany, so for many of the locals, those black soldiers were the first people of colour that they had ever seen with their own eyes.

>>11408
>will hire white people to stand around at business events
I think I'm qualified for this role. Where do I apply?

>>11407

Yes. I'm curious as to why god decided to visit backwards tribal illiterate people in the Middle East region a few thousand years ago and get them to write books based upon his (made up nonsense) will. Surely it would have been better to go to China where they had literature, science and a society far far more advanced.

An uncle out with his five-year-old nephew has spoken of his disgust at seeing a man having a poo in a carrier bag on a main road into Skegness.

http://www.skegnessstandard.co.uk/news/local/man-caught-on-camera-having-poo-in-bag-in-skegness-1-7554241

>>11414

>The image was shared by more than 100 people with many agreeing it wasn’t something people wanted to see

And yet, over a hundred people shared it with somebody.

Have a word with yourselves.

BREAKING NEWS

Woman sent to hospital for tests.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-north-east-orkney-shetland-37317238

>>11488

The woman is 12th in line of succession, right behind Lady Louise Windsor, daughter of the Earl of Wessex, what if a tornado picked up buckingham palace with everyone important in it? Suddenly doesn't look so stupid reporting she had a test does it!

This is old news, from 2008, but it's stayed in my head as it's so bizarre:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/hampshire/7505443.stm

"Hmm... he was the last tenant in this tower block, which had been bought by property developers and was due to be destroyed, but he refused to move on. And now here he is with his head cut off with a chainsaw. Sound suspicious to you, constable?"

"Well, I-"

"Shut the fuck up, I'm the detective. This case is a dead-end, obviously he did it himself. Everyone else had moved out, he was the only person left in the whole building. That was due to be redeveloped."

"Yes but that's what I'm saying, how could-"

"You little fucking toe-rag, shut your mouth before I shut it for you, you walking cadaver."


SOUND SUSPICIOUS TO YOU GUYS?!

>>11490

"There's nothing suspicious about the death"
Spokesman for coroner

'Cause it sure wasn't suspicious to them.

>>11490

I just dug around for info on this, apparently when they went the flat they found he had set up a weird death machine using a chainsaw, snooker table, one of those plug timers you use for lights, some string and a cardboard box.

>>11492
> he had set up a weird death machine using a chainsaw, snooker table, one of those plug timers you use for lights, some string and a cardboard box.

Picture of the man has been released.

>>11490
I think I remember that one. The first draft of the story didn't have much information other than there was a saw injury and repeatedly stressing that the authorities were saying it wasn't suspicious.

Just tripped over this facebook group, thought .gs might be interested;

https://www.facebook.com/angrypeopleinlocalnewspapers/?hc_ref=NEWSFEED

http://www.shropshirestar.com/news/emergency-services/2016/09/13/pictures-bus-carrying-children-and-concrete-lorry-crash-on-narrow-shropshire-road/

>A bus believed to be carrying children and a cement mixer lorry crashed in Shropshire today.

>The crash happened just after 7.30am and involved an Arriva 511 bus and a ready mix concrete lorry.

>It happened on Sherwood Bank between Preston Brockhurst on the A49 and the village of Clive.

>Nearby resident Dave Cartman witnessed the incident.

>He said: "This road is very narrow in places.

>"No one was hurt, there were three children on the bus but were sitting on the opposite side.


The horror... the sheer unspeakable horror!!

>>11501
Why was the bus carrying a cement mixer?

>>11501

>He said: "This road is very narrow in places.

You don't say, Sherlock.

>>11503

>Why was the bus carrying a cement mixer?

Learn to read, lad. It says the bus was carrying a cement mixer lorry.

>>11506

The bus was carrying a cement mixer lorry winch was, in turn, carrying a cement mixer. Ergo, the bus was carrying, a priori, a cement mixer. QED, Father Fucker.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ztvr4s3HUaY

>A woman turned up on the doorstep of a total stranger, urinated, made a bonfire, then put a brick through the window.

>Bethany Mewse, 23, was clutching a bottle of Lambrini as she turned up at the man’s Southwick home at 9am on July 31, Sunderland magistrates heard.

http://www.sunderlandecho.com/our-region/sunderland/sunderland-woman-turned-up-on-stranger-s-doorstep-urinated-made-bonfire-and-put-brick-through-window-1-8135363

>>11506
Learn to read yourself, the question was why?

>>11510

The north east is a nightmare scape.

>>11512
I think it's the fact this happened at 9am is what really finishes it off for me.

>>11513
What better way to start the day.

http://www.theargus.co.uk/news/14762284.Boy__11___punched_in_stomach_after_refusing_to_get_in_van_/

> AN 11-YEAR-OLD boy was allegedly punched in the stomach after refusing to get in a white van.

>Police said he was walking alone on the road when a white Transit van pulled up next to him and the driver asked him to get in.

>The boy refused then another man approached and punched the boy in the stomach, a Sussex Police spokesman said.


How rude. When I was that age, you were at least offered sweets before being asked to climb into a van.

>A student teacher has spoken about how she got a vibrator stuck up her backside during sex.

>Emma Phillips, a mother of one from Wallasey, Merseyside, first thought boyfriend Lee had hidden the vibrator under a pillow as a prank. But then when she pressed down on her stomach she felt a buzzing inside her. They tried to remove it using a fork handle and barbecue prongs but all efforts failed.

http://metro.co.uk/2016/10/06/student-got-vibrator-stuck-up-her-backside-during-sex-with-boyfriend-6174685/

How wide must her arsehole have been to fit barbecue tongs up there? Like a yawning hippo.

>>11560
She doesn't seem the type at all.

(blondes with dark eyebrows, tell it a mile away)

>>11560>>11561
Moral of the story:

Never stick anything up your bum unless it has a flange.

>>11562
She's a student teacher, it's not as if she'll be especially bright.

>>11560

There are so many layers of poor judgement here, it's surreal. Firstly, sticking an unflanged dildo up your bum. Secondly, trying to remove it with barbecue tongs. Thirdly, going to the papers. Fourthly, letting them take your picture with said object, when you're a student teacher. She is going to be Miss Bumdildo for the remainder of her (presumably brief) career in teaching.

This is international news. Jesus wept.

http://www.berliner-kurier.de/news/panorama/not-op-statt-heisser-sex-nacht-autsch--vibrator-steckt-in-darm-von-studentin-fest--24860708
http://www.ayoye.com/nouvelles/elle-se-retrouve-avec-un-vibrateur-coince-dans-le-derriere-suite-a-une-partie-de-jambes-en-l-air-tres-intense
http://nyheter24.se/nyheter/utrikes/863546-dildon-fastnade-nar-emma-24-hade-sex-forsokte-fa-ut-den-med-en-gaffel
http://www.mundiario.com/articulo/sociedad/juguete-sexual-trajo-consecuencias-luego-tener-noche-copas/20161007192224069499.html

>>11564

>Thirdly, going to the papers.

Yes, that's the bit which I also understand the least. How chav do you have to be to think that's actually a story that you should a) go to a paper with, and b) which should be in a paper at all.

Also, the second picture with her in a pose of fake amazement is just daft. That's about as big a no-no in any photo ever as the notorious "thumbs up".

>>11566
I've always wondered this too - there are stories every day in the papers which make you think "why did you agree to this?" - I've always assumed that somehow the papers found out about the story, investigated and threaten to write the story anyway unless you co-operate.

>>11567
> I've always assumed that somehow the papers found out about the story, investigated and threaten to write the story anyway unless you co-operate.

They'd be on thin ice with that though, because then you can still sue them for privacy infringement. Or just plain blackmail.

>>11566>>11567
I'd imagine that, in this scenario, the pictures of her in the hospital bed were probably posted on Facebook by her boyfriend whilst they were still drunk, so if it's going to spread you might as well pose for pictures of you holding the vibrator and make the most of it.

>>11570

Another reason why social media is rubbish then.

If I have a choice between my anonymity and being known worldwide for accidentally ending up with a dildo up my arse that was difficult to get back out, I don't think that's a difficult choice to sort out.

A dead deer which was discovered with a tree branch shoved into its rear and a McDonald’s bag wrapped around its head has been branded a ‘sadistic’ killing.

http://www.sloughexpress.co.uk/news/datchet/105625/mutilated-animals-found-in-datchet-and-colnbrook.html

>>11647

Broken Britain.

>>11647
Oh dear.

>>11647
Why did they blur it? Are deer meant to be properly dressed? Are they not allowed to walk around with their bollocks free?

It was probably sexual misadventure anyway, like when Kristian off of To Buy or Not To Buy died whilst having a stranglewank.

I bet the deer deliberately lowered itself onto a branch, before shoving its head in a McDonald's bag so it could huff Big Mac fumes for a proper hard stonk on, but then the branch snapped and punctured all its innards.

>>11651

Oh yeah, that actually happened didn't it.

Is it a bit morbid if being reminded of something like that really brightens up my day?

Tesco apologises over 'Jimmy Savile' marmalade

http://www.sunderlandecho.com/our-region/county-durham/tesco-apologises-over-jimmy-savile-marmalade-1-8186706

>>11653
Personally I would have laughed it off rather than contacting the local press about it. Some people have no sense of humour. Still she got a free voucher out of it.

>>11654
You're a bit slow, aren't you? Presumably she made a noise in the hope that she'd get the voucher.

>>11654
'Laughed it off'? Are you totally fucking oblivious?

>>11656

Which is worse - being admittedly oblivious, or having no sense of humour?

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-merseyside-37734883

>>11658

Who knew.

http://www.gazettelive.co.uk/news/teesside-news/swan-found-decapitated-stockton-nature-12070647

Swan found decapitated at Stockton nature reserve

A swan was found decapitated at a Teesside nature reserve.

The animal was discovered by a member of the public at Bowesfield Nature Reserve yesterday.

Officers say it appears that a sharp implement was used to remove the bird’s head.

It is believed to be the third incident of this kind at the reserve and it comes after a number of separate unconnected attacks on wildlife this month.

Two sheep suffered fatal head injuries in a “brutal” attack near Redcar overnight on Tuesday October 18.

A ram and a lamb were both attacked with a blunt instrument, which may have been a piece of wood, leaving them with head injuries which killed them both.

>>11660

I was watching a group of young teenagers trying to kill squirrels with big sticks in the park yesterday. The squirrels were far too fast and I was too craven to try to stop them otherwise.

What would happen if a nuclear bomb hit Hull?

http://www.hulldailymail.co.uk/what-would-happen-if-a-nuclear-bomb-hit-hull/story-29828814-detail/story.html

The question on everyone's lips.

>>11662

Is that the council's new redevelopment project? (Haha! Thanks, I'll see you in the next season of Live At The Apollo.)

I recently found out that Larkin and I share the same childhood suburb. Hull was far more desirable to him, which says it all really.

>>11662

Anywhere else they would call it gentrification.

>>11661

Almost reminds me of the time I was riding in my mate's car and he ran over a cat. No shock, no look back, nothing. He only said one word with a completely emotionless look on his face after five seconds or so. "Dead." That's all he said. "Dead". So I said, we have to go back!... and he said, "to do what... pick up pieces of mashed cat?"

I could never put my finger on it, but there was just something wrong about him sometimes.

>>11671

That was your fault. As co-driver, you were meant to exclaim "Oooff, ten points!" the black humour of which defuses the initial shock and allows him to process it properly, i.e "We should go back... Nah, it was only a fucking cat".

>>11672

Life isn't one big game of Super Mario.

>>11673
Are you sure? Maybe try one of these mushrooms ...

>>11674

well if you consume those mushrooms, then life can indeed start to seem like a game of Mario to you, no doubt.

Asda's card machines break, nation in panic.

http://www.walesonline.co.uk/news/local-news/chaos-asda-stores-across-wales-12099830#rlabs=8%20rt$sitewide%20p$5

Carnforth Civic Hall gets new vacuum cleaner

http://www.thewestmorlandgazette.co.uk/news/14833308.Carnforth_Civic_Hall_gets_new_vacuum_cleaner/

>>11690

This reminds me how we had one a while back on the hospital's intranet page during a particularly slow month, with photos, about one ward "finally" getting a toaster. The true face of Tory NHS cuts.

>MORE than 100 mourners gathered to say goodbye to much-loved and popular teenager Jack Gudge yesterday.

>Eight of Jack’s friends carried the blue coffin, which had an Adidas logo printed on the side, into the church while the Liverpool anthem You’ll Never Walk Alone, by Gerry and The Pacemakers, was playing.

>Seventeen-year-old Jack died following an incident outside Tesco Express in Wimborne Road, Winton, at around 12.55am on Saturday, July 16 this year.

>Flowers spelling the words ‘grandson’, ‘brother’, ‘Jack’, ‘cousin’ and ‘chav’ were placed around the coffin. There was also flower versions of the Frozen character Olaf and a red and white football.

http://www.bournemouthecho.co.uk/news/14839913.Standing_room_only_as_community_gathers_to_pay_respects_to_Jack_Gudge/

Oh no.

>>11692

I thought /iq/ had been a bit on the quiet side lately.

RIP in piece, ladm8.

>>11694
It seems almost too /iq/ for even /iq/. Getting killed after a scrap outside Tesco Express and then not being buried until almost four months later because it's taken your family that long to save up for a coffin that looks like an Adidas shoebox.

Woman has owned inflated balloon for 21 years.

http://www.fifetoday.co.uk/news/offbeat/mary-s-get-well-balloon-21-years-old-and-counting-1-4281661

A community is in outrage after a pub boss responded to a customer complaint by calling them a 'beggar' and 'belittling the work of food-banks'.

David, a sales manager aged 27, attended the pub on Saturday, November 5 and with family and upon ordering food he asked for a bowl to give his one-year-old daughter some mashed potato and gravy.

An employee refused, some say quite rightly. But when the pub responded to his complaint they resorted to name-calling and belittling language, which has prompted outrage from hundreds of people who have been responding to the story on social media.

David messaged them on Facebook to say: "Great customer service at the Rufford pub. All i wanted was a bowl of mash and gravy for my one year old girl."

Dee, an employee of the pub, responded to the dad over Facebook: "I don't want beggars in my pub. Thanks your comments. This is rufford not mansfield food bank. Find somewhere else. I'm Dee. Complaint what ever you want" (sic).

David spoke to the Chad after his ordeal and told the full story. He said: "Me, my girlfriend, mother-in-law, brother-in-law and my daughter went in and ordered our meals. The guy behind the bar had a bit of a strop on him. After I ordered my meals I said is there any chance I could have a bowl with a bit of mashed potato for my little girl. He said: ' No. If you want that you can pay for it'.

http://www.derbyshiretimes.co.uk/news/pub-brands-shirebrook-dad-a-beggar-in-mash-fiasco-1-8228872

Outrage after pub doesn't give man food for free.

http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news/north-east-news/caught-camera-pervert-who-turned-12164476

>Caught on camera: Pervert who turned up to meet underage girl with pornography

>Jonathan Haswell thought he was meeting a 15-year-old for sex but was instead confronted in Newcastle by paedophile hunters Dark Justice

>Carrying pornography and hoping to meet an underage girl for sex, this is the moment Jonathan Haswell was caught on camera by paedophile hunters.

>The 44-year-old thought he was meeting a 15-year-old in Newcastle city centre but he had fallen into a trap set by Dark Justice.

>Haswell had told the fictional girl they could watch pornographic movies together and copy what they saw, after being told she had never had a boyfriend.


Nonces in Newcastle. Who knew.

>>11698
>Dark Justice

>>11699

For a split second, I thought that was a picture of Samuel L. Jackson.

Luckily, I realised my mistake.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OdxMkQhq58g

>>11696

The idiocy.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mL3cKY1ptlw

>>11697
>Outrage after pub doesn't give man food for free.
Did you even read the article you posted?

>>11703
Yeah, he asked for mash and gravy for his daughter and was told he'd have to pay for it. He had a hissy fit because when he's tried it before they've given him it as a freebie.

>I've been into the Rufford so many times and not once have they asked me to pay for it.

If you want to feed your infant daughter either bring food yourself, give her food off your plate or pay for it. They're a business and margins in the pub trade are tight enough as it is without having to placate those wanting to scrounge food.

>>11704
But that's half the story.

>>11705
They're the pertinent points. The rest are his embellishments to make it sound worse for the papers. They wouldn't have asked for a full carvery cost for a bit of mash for a baby, take his exaggerations with a pinch of salt.

Restaurant/Pub customers often seem to assume anything not printed on the menu is free. Asking for a side of veg with their steak and chips is a common one, then moaning when it shows up on the bill.

I've seen someone ask for extra scallops (for nowt) at a two Michelin restaurant before. Wankers

>>11706
The pertinent point is that's not what has caused 'outrage' as you seem to keep failing to read the rest of the article. A free bowl of baby mash, while by no means an obligation as the article itself says, is not the most unreasonable request anyone has ever made in a pub, so to respond to his complaint by calling him a food bank beggar is incredibly offensive and distasteful.

>>11708
But not unfair given that he was expecting free food handouts from a private business.

>>11708
Businesses should be free to be blunt and honest with customers, especially difficult ones. This isn't America with their fake nice "the customer is always right" bollocks. Sometimes the customer is a right knob.

It's getting out of hand now. First the pie and mash outrage, now this.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2016/11/11/tesco-criticised-after-refusing-to-allow-young-mother-free-parki/

A woman claims Tesco have shamed and demonised her for not being able to breastfeed her son because they would not validate her parking for only purchasing formula milk, despite there being clear signage this would be the case. Should have treated herself to a KitKat Chunky and circumnavigated it instead of running crying to the papers.

>>11711

>TESCO CRITICISED FOR OBEYING THE LAW.

You've got it fucking backwards. You're supposed to stick it to the Man, not stick up for him.

>>11713
(Condescending post about your attendance of a university)

>>11712

But the person affected was a special snowflake who the law shouldn't apply to, Tescos shouldn't be shaming and abusing women by following the law.